So hi.... its been awhile.
So in my previous blog I was surprised of how quick Kayleigh was changing... ha! I had no idea... XP She's 9 months today. (Yay! ^^) and she can sit up, crawl, stand, walk with support, and truly interact with eveything and everyone. Plus her personality is starting to really shine through. Shes a nut... but an adorable nut so it all good. Its amazing... almost like she's a little person. Oh wait... XP Lol. Anway... enough of the bad jokes.
Things have been crazy since I last wrote. William and I ended up going to court at the beginning of July about custody. He was awarded with dual legal custody... ugh... so for now he's still in our lives. I could go on ranting here, but I'm going to spare that boring story.
I started school in August. I have never been this exhuasted in my life... lol. But Im getting through it and finals are in two weeks. ^^ and yeah... that's it. A lot has changed, but not a lot has changed at the same time... if that makes any sense. Oh yeah! I'm 19 now. ^^ Not that 19's really important.... but still.
So yeah... just catching up on things for now. I hope to start writing more often again. Its a great stress relief.
Chibisukie signing out!
P.S. Happy Thanksgiving!
Wednesday, November 23, 2011
Monday, April 18, 2011
Blog 35: Babies Are A Lot Of Work!
Surprise, surprise. =P
Kayleigh Elizabeth Jordan
Born February 23rd 2011
20.5 Inches 8 Pounds 12.4 Ounces
So... To recap real quick. I ended up being a week late and went to the hospital to be induced on the 21st of February. They didn't start me out with oxytocin (usual inducing drug) though. They instead started giving me this stuff (can't remember the name for the life of me) that would prepare my body more for labor and hopefully make me start labor naturally. Well... it didn't. So early on the 23rd they gave me the oxytocin and broke my water a couple hours after that and I finally went into real hard-core labor. At about 3 1/2 centimeters dilated I wimped out and got an epidural. -_-' Boy, was I grateful for it though and I will always recommend it if anyone should ask. Anywho... After it was all set up and I was comfortable I was at 4 centimeters. Then I fell asleep. ^_^ 2 hours later I woke up feeling really un-comfortable again. My nurse was out on lunch, but I did let the nurse taking over for her know. She said it wasn't a problem and that she would call the anesthesiologist back in to give me a boost of pain meds. She should have checked me beforehand for how dilated I was though, but she wouldn't for some reason. Then my nurse came back from lunch and wanted to check how far along I was. Right before she did though Mom (who was there with me through all of this) jokingly said, "Watch, she's going to check you and you'll be 10 centimeters dilated." I'm paraphrasing of course. Anyway, we laughed and the nurse checked me... 10 centimeters... it was time to push. =/ So the nurse got me ready, but my doctor on call was across town. It wasn't a big deal though because she was supposedly 30 or less minutes away and I was probably going to be pushing for at the very least an hour before crowning. So anyway... The nurse got me ready. Right before I started though Mom was trying to make me less stressed out and joked saying, "It will be ok. Watch, you'll push once and she'll probably already start crowning." We laughed, then the nurse told me to start pushing.... One contraction and she was crowning... 0_o I told Mom to shut up after that. Lol. So then I had to wait for the doctor to get there to finish pushing... which wasn't fun. The doctor was about 20 minutes out then but she hit traffic... Before we knew it it had been almost an hour and she still wasn't there... The nurse was about to call in the emergency doctor to do the delivery, because at that point my patience was real thin. Then the doctor showed up. Within a couple more minutes I was ready to push again... Two more contractions and out came baby! By the way... creepy as heck! Lol. Everyone was really surprised though... as was I. Happily though. ^^ Mom jokes that she's mad because I didn't pay my dues because I had such an easy delivery... though sometimes I think she's serious... Lol. I did have it incredibly easy though... and for some reason I feel really bad for it. Like I somehow betrayed all the woman in the world or something... -_-' I don't know... it's hard to explain. All I can say though is that God was smiling upon me that day. So my cone headed (at the time) little girl was born safely and we went home two days later.
Kayleigh is the most precious thing ever!!! I love her to bits! ^^ She was kind of a blob there for awhile though... Lol. She's going to be 2 months Wednesday and she's now baby talking and smiling, playing, and all around starting to interact with the outside world. Soon she'll be sitting up by herself and then crawling... It's kind of scary how quickly she's growing... but it's also exciting! =] I could go on and on about what she does and how much I love her... but I'll be merciful for now to whoever reads this. Haha... What can I say? I'm one of those dotting show-offy Moms. XP
Speaking of which though... I'm not sure how much more I can write because baby's been really fussy today and she'll probably wake up soon... She has tummy troubles. =[ Real quick though there is something I want to touch bases with...
*WARNING: RANTING AHEAD*
So yeah... If you don't want to hear drama I would stop reading and call it good for the day.
So William *sigh* I swear this will be the last time I bring him up like this for a really long time... if ever. So I wasn't going to tell him that I was going into labor... but Mom said on the way down that I should. I wasn't sure of her reasoning's behind it, but I took my mom's advice and talked to him before going into the hospital. I was just going to do it over e-mail, but he insisted I call him because he had something important to say. So I called him using *67 since I didn't want him having my number. He was out at a bar or restaurant or something when I called with friends... Out late on a school night... smart... anywho. All he said to me was good luck. Good luck... oh... and giving me gripe because I wasn't going to give her his last name. He couldn't even say he loved her or anything... It really ticked me off... and that whole night I was becoming more and more angry as I thought about it. Then I just stopped thinking about it later the next day. I was done. I was over him. As I was told, I missed the memory. I missed having someone supposedly there. I sure as heck at that point didn't miss him. I am so thankful that Mom advised me to talk to him before I went into the hospital. Because I was going in with confused lingering feelings and it would have been really bad to go through labor with those... especially since a guy like that doesn't deserve it. I was just able to focus on the fact that my baby girl was coming which was really nice.
I get e-mails from him occasionally... at first they were about how Kayleigh was... but then he started talking about himself and his issues... Why? I have no clue... He still hasn't done anything for her nor has he even said anything to show he truly cares... so I'm not sure why he bothers period. I haven't heard from him in awhile though which I'm glad about. Maybe he'll finally do what he wants and stop putting up an act and leave us alone... At least that's what I believe he's doing. He's just feeling guilty sometimes about being a big jerk. That's all.
I still think about when we were together from time to time... but things are definitely better. I'm a little lonely, but I'll live. =P Hopefully my thoughts of him will continue to lessen and soon stop completely. I'm moving on with my life with high hopes. And I have no doubt in my mind that this was the right choice for Kayleigh. This is the right choice for me too, but I was more concerned for her when deciding things. So yeah... Life goes on. End of drama rant.
Well... it's 12am and Kayleigh is still happily asleep. So I'm going to take this oppotunity to get some myself.
Chibisukie signing out.
Kayleigh Elizabeth Jordan
Born February 23rd 2011
20.5 Inches 8 Pounds 12.4 Ounces
So... To recap real quick. I ended up being a week late and went to the hospital to be induced on the 21st of February. They didn't start me out with oxytocin (usual inducing drug) though. They instead started giving me this stuff (can't remember the name for the life of me) that would prepare my body more for labor and hopefully make me start labor naturally. Well... it didn't. So early on the 23rd they gave me the oxytocin and broke my water a couple hours after that and I finally went into real hard-core labor. At about 3 1/2 centimeters dilated I wimped out and got an epidural. -_-' Boy, was I grateful for it though and I will always recommend it if anyone should ask. Anywho... After it was all set up and I was comfortable I was at 4 centimeters. Then I fell asleep. ^_^ 2 hours later I woke up feeling really un-comfortable again. My nurse was out on lunch, but I did let the nurse taking over for her know. She said it wasn't a problem and that she would call the anesthesiologist back in to give me a boost of pain meds. She should have checked me beforehand for how dilated I was though, but she wouldn't for some reason. Then my nurse came back from lunch and wanted to check how far along I was. Right before she did though Mom (who was there with me through all of this) jokingly said, "Watch, she's going to check you and you'll be 10 centimeters dilated." I'm paraphrasing of course. Anyway, we laughed and the nurse checked me... 10 centimeters... it was time to push. =/ So the nurse got me ready, but my doctor on call was across town. It wasn't a big deal though because she was supposedly 30 or less minutes away and I was probably going to be pushing for at the very least an hour before crowning. So anyway... The nurse got me ready. Right before I started though Mom was trying to make me less stressed out and joked saying, "It will be ok. Watch, you'll push once and she'll probably already start crowning." We laughed, then the nurse told me to start pushing.... One contraction and she was crowning... 0_o I told Mom to shut up after that. Lol. So then I had to wait for the doctor to get there to finish pushing... which wasn't fun. The doctor was about 20 minutes out then but she hit traffic... Before we knew it it had been almost an hour and she still wasn't there... The nurse was about to call in the emergency doctor to do the delivery, because at that point my patience was real thin. Then the doctor showed up. Within a couple more minutes I was ready to push again... Two more contractions and out came baby! By the way... creepy as heck! Lol. Everyone was really surprised though... as was I. Happily though. ^^ Mom jokes that she's mad because I didn't pay my dues because I had such an easy delivery... though sometimes I think she's serious... Lol. I did have it incredibly easy though... and for some reason I feel really bad for it. Like I somehow betrayed all the woman in the world or something... -_-' I don't know... it's hard to explain. All I can say though is that God was smiling upon me that day. So my cone headed (at the time) little girl was born safely and we went home two days later.
Kayleigh is the most precious thing ever!!! I love her to bits! ^^ She was kind of a blob there for awhile though... Lol. She's going to be 2 months Wednesday and she's now baby talking and smiling, playing, and all around starting to interact with the outside world. Soon she'll be sitting up by herself and then crawling... It's kind of scary how quickly she's growing... but it's also exciting! =] I could go on and on about what she does and how much I love her... but I'll be merciful for now to whoever reads this. Haha... What can I say? I'm one of those dotting show-offy Moms. XP
Speaking of which though... I'm not sure how much more I can write because baby's been really fussy today and she'll probably wake up soon... She has tummy troubles. =[ Real quick though there is something I want to touch bases with...
*WARNING: RANTING AHEAD*
So yeah... If you don't want to hear drama I would stop reading and call it good for the day.
So William *sigh* I swear this will be the last time I bring him up like this for a really long time... if ever. So I wasn't going to tell him that I was going into labor... but Mom said on the way down that I should. I wasn't sure of her reasoning's behind it, but I took my mom's advice and talked to him before going into the hospital. I was just going to do it over e-mail, but he insisted I call him because he had something important to say. So I called him using *67 since I didn't want him having my number. He was out at a bar or restaurant or something when I called with friends... Out late on a school night... smart... anywho. All he said to me was good luck. Good luck... oh... and giving me gripe because I wasn't going to give her his last name. He couldn't even say he loved her or anything... It really ticked me off... and that whole night I was becoming more and more angry as I thought about it. Then I just stopped thinking about it later the next day. I was done. I was over him. As I was told, I missed the memory. I missed having someone supposedly there. I sure as heck at that point didn't miss him. I am so thankful that Mom advised me to talk to him before I went into the hospital. Because I was going in with confused lingering feelings and it would have been really bad to go through labor with those... especially since a guy like that doesn't deserve it. I was just able to focus on the fact that my baby girl was coming which was really nice.
I get e-mails from him occasionally... at first they were about how Kayleigh was... but then he started talking about himself and his issues... Why? I have no clue... He still hasn't done anything for her nor has he even said anything to show he truly cares... so I'm not sure why he bothers period. I haven't heard from him in awhile though which I'm glad about. Maybe he'll finally do what he wants and stop putting up an act and leave us alone... At least that's what I believe he's doing. He's just feeling guilty sometimes about being a big jerk. That's all.
I still think about when we were together from time to time... but things are definitely better. I'm a little lonely, but I'll live. =P Hopefully my thoughts of him will continue to lessen and soon stop completely. I'm moving on with my life with high hopes. And I have no doubt in my mind that this was the right choice for Kayleigh. This is the right choice for me too, but I was more concerned for her when deciding things. So yeah... Life goes on. End of drama rant.
Well... it's 12am and Kayleigh is still happily asleep. So I'm going to take this oppotunity to get some myself.
Chibisukie signing out.
Friday, February 11, 2011
Blog 34: Doom Day Approaches...
... Dun dun dun!!! ~
Lol XP
So my due date is days away now. I'm incredibly excited! Nervous... but excited ^^ Hopefully everything will go well once I go into labor ><... and hopefully it will be on my due date... and not later... or not happen at all and then have to be induced... which my doctor earlier this week said could possibly happen ><' We shall see I guess.
So the past two weeks my brother and I have been switching rooms. Before, I had my room and my brother had his which was attached to what we called the school room. Well.... now he's in my old room, I'm in the old school room, and his old room was turned into Kayleigh's nursery. It's put together really nice in there ^^ Her crib is all set up with a changing table, all her cute little clothes and blankies are washed and organized nicely, Mom painted parts of the room pink, Dad's putting up a chandelier, and frankly it's just too adorable. There's more that needs to be done, but things should be good for her for the first month or so at least. My new room... is much smaller and you have to walk threw it to get to Kayleigh's, but that's ok. She'll be protected. >=]From what? I have no idea... but I'll feel better about having her room close to mine. I had to get a new bed... smaller bed... and things are a little disorganized, but it's all coming together and is feeling real cozy. =] My brother's... is a complete and total mess still. Lol. Doesn't surprise me though. XP Hopefully he'll get things at least semi-organized soon. I have to say though... for all that had to be done and still needs to be done I'm glad about my nesting instincts kicking in. Granted... a lot of the work fell and still falls into over people's hands... but I would have given up on the whole thing if it wasn't for the fact that I must have order. Especially in Kayleigh's room. Lol. It's complicated to explain...
.... I was hoping writing about other things in this blog would keep some things off my mind, but it isn't working... *sigh* so I guess maybe I should write about what's bugging me instead and that will help... hopefully....
*WARNING: COMPLAINING WILL BEGIN FROM THIS POINT ON*
I had a bad dream last night. Well... technically it was fairly good... until the very end and when I woke up and came back to reality... It was about the whole William situation... and it's been on my mind all day. I honestly feel like I'm doing the right thing by not getting back together and not wanting him apart of her life after his actions and our discussions for the past 2+ months... He's truly brought out an ugly side of himself... but I also can't help feel lingering feelings for the way he used to be. For the guy I originally fell for. Part of me still wants to think that if we got back together things would change and he would go back to being the way he was. The more I think about it though... the more I think about how he's behaved and treated me, not just recently, but after the first 6 months or so of us dating... I know the guy I thought he was is never coming back. I'm also absolutely admitting that I was blinded by love and really should have seen this coming... As sad as that is... Anywho... In the dream I saw him again in person. For some reason we were spending time together like we used to. He was confessing his un-dieing love and how he wished to have me back yadda yadda etc. In the dream I said yes to getting back together finally and then things were happy again. He was holding me and I felt everything was right. After a little while longer and time together he went somewhere... I think it was to go get food or something for his family... I can't remember exactly though... and I thought about how happy I was to be in a relationship with him again and how I was happy that Kayleigh, him, and I could be a real family. And then reality hit me in the dream. Not once, out of the hours... days! (I'm not 100% sure to be honest) that we were together did he ask how his own daughter was. Not once did he ask if she needed something or bought her something (we went shopping at some point before) Not once had he honestly seemed to care about her or said he wanted to see her (she was already born and was like 3 or 4 I think in the dream). I began to realize how stupid I was for not seeing that before and being selfishly blinded into making a very wrong decision when I woke up. Then Wenry came and licked my face, but that's not important. Lol. I think about that dream though and how realistic it was... How much I really miss being told I'm loved, being held, and knowing someone is there... Of course even in the dream he wasn't 100% that... but what really hit me was that the things he didn't do in the dream... is close to what he hasn't done in real life for her. His daughter's almost here and he hasn't bought her one thing. He hasn't even asked if he could help or if we needed anything... and this is also talking about the time when we were still together. He's spent almost every dime he's made on himself. New clothing, shoes, a tattoo (yes... instead of thinking 'Gee... maybe I should be saving a little back just in case' he went and got himself a $500 tattoo...) Granted... this is one of the things I wanted to talk to him about before the breakup... Because he kept telling me that he was going into the Navy to support Kayleigh and I... and granted I know not everything important is about money... but I mean... if you had a baby on the way would you honestly be spending every last cent you made every other week on yourself? Is that being a good father? *sigh* Grr... sorry. Ranting. The point is though is sure, he'll e-mail me occasionally asking how she is and saying how he wished he could be there at the hospital... and kind of making it sound like it's all my fault and not that the Navy will obviously not let him take leave for it... but yeah. That's it. He said he wanted to be a father for her... that I should let him do that and that I'll be hurting her if I don't... but honestly... does he even know what it implies to be a dad? Because at this point I'm highly doubting it. You can't just say I care and pop in and out of her life once in awhile and say that's being a good father... that's more destructive to her then anything. And granted... this isn't exactly the life that I wanted her to have... but I will keep her from harms way no matter what.
.... I think I lost track a little of where I was going with the dream thing... Lol. So basically... I still have strong lingering feelings... because I loved... and possibly still love that jerk... but I feel more confident that I won't make a wrong decision again because even in my fantasy dream world I chose... or at least was willing to change my mind back... for my daughter's best interest. No matter how happy and secure I felt. I'm a little sad that the fantasy will never come true I have to say... but I'm hoping I'll get over it someday and move on... or at least stop dwelling in the drama subconsciously and consciously...
Well... I'm beginning to fall asleep at my computer.... so I think that's my cue to end this blog. Lol.
Chibisukie signing out!
Lol XP
So my due date is days away now. I'm incredibly excited! Nervous... but excited ^^ Hopefully everything will go well once I go into labor ><... and hopefully it will be on my due date... and not later... or not happen at all and then have to be induced... which my doctor earlier this week said could possibly happen ><' We shall see I guess.
So the past two weeks my brother and I have been switching rooms. Before, I had my room and my brother had his which was attached to what we called the school room. Well.... now he's in my old room, I'm in the old school room, and his old room was turned into Kayleigh's nursery. It's put together really nice in there ^^ Her crib is all set up with a changing table, all her cute little clothes and blankies are washed and organized nicely, Mom painted parts of the room pink, Dad's putting up a chandelier, and frankly it's just too adorable. There's more that needs to be done, but things should be good for her for the first month or so at least. My new room... is much smaller and you have to walk threw it to get to Kayleigh's, but that's ok. She'll be protected. >=]From what? I have no idea... but I'll feel better about having her room close to mine. I had to get a new bed... smaller bed... and things are a little disorganized, but it's all coming together and is feeling real cozy. =] My brother's... is a complete and total mess still. Lol. Doesn't surprise me though. XP Hopefully he'll get things at least semi-organized soon. I have to say though... for all that had to be done and still needs to be done I'm glad about my nesting instincts kicking in. Granted... a lot of the work fell and still falls into over people's hands... but I would have given up on the whole thing if it wasn't for the fact that I must have order. Especially in Kayleigh's room. Lol. It's complicated to explain...
.... I was hoping writing about other things in this blog would keep some things off my mind, but it isn't working... *sigh* so I guess maybe I should write about what's bugging me instead and that will help... hopefully....
*WARNING: COMPLAINING WILL BEGIN FROM THIS POINT ON*
I had a bad dream last night. Well... technically it was fairly good... until the very end and when I woke up and came back to reality... It was about the whole William situation... and it's been on my mind all day. I honestly feel like I'm doing the right thing by not getting back together and not wanting him apart of her life after his actions and our discussions for the past 2+ months... He's truly brought out an ugly side of himself... but I also can't help feel lingering feelings for the way he used to be. For the guy I originally fell for. Part of me still wants to think that if we got back together things would change and he would go back to being the way he was. The more I think about it though... the more I think about how he's behaved and treated me, not just recently, but after the first 6 months or so of us dating... I know the guy I thought he was is never coming back. I'm also absolutely admitting that I was blinded by love and really should have seen this coming... As sad as that is... Anywho... In the dream I saw him again in person. For some reason we were spending time together like we used to. He was confessing his un-dieing love and how he wished to have me back yadda yadda etc. In the dream I said yes to getting back together finally and then things were happy again. He was holding me and I felt everything was right. After a little while longer and time together he went somewhere... I think it was to go get food or something for his family... I can't remember exactly though... and I thought about how happy I was to be in a relationship with him again and how I was happy that Kayleigh, him, and I could be a real family. And then reality hit me in the dream. Not once, out of the hours... days! (I'm not 100% sure to be honest) that we were together did he ask how his own daughter was. Not once did he ask if she needed something or bought her something (we went shopping at some point before) Not once had he honestly seemed to care about her or said he wanted to see her (she was already born and was like 3 or 4 I think in the dream). I began to realize how stupid I was for not seeing that before and being selfishly blinded into making a very wrong decision when I woke up. Then Wenry came and licked my face, but that's not important. Lol. I think about that dream though and how realistic it was... How much I really miss being told I'm loved, being held, and knowing someone is there... Of course even in the dream he wasn't 100% that... but what really hit me was that the things he didn't do in the dream... is close to what he hasn't done in real life for her. His daughter's almost here and he hasn't bought her one thing. He hasn't even asked if he could help or if we needed anything... and this is also talking about the time when we were still together. He's spent almost every dime he's made on himself. New clothing, shoes, a tattoo (yes... instead of thinking 'Gee... maybe I should be saving a little back just in case' he went and got himself a $500 tattoo...) Granted... this is one of the things I wanted to talk to him about before the breakup... Because he kept telling me that he was going into the Navy to support Kayleigh and I... and granted I know not everything important is about money... but I mean... if you had a baby on the way would you honestly be spending every last cent you made every other week on yourself? Is that being a good father? *sigh* Grr... sorry. Ranting. The point is though is sure, he'll e-mail me occasionally asking how she is and saying how he wished he could be there at the hospital... and kind of making it sound like it's all my fault and not that the Navy will obviously not let him take leave for it... but yeah. That's it. He said he wanted to be a father for her... that I should let him do that and that I'll be hurting her if I don't... but honestly... does he even know what it implies to be a dad? Because at this point I'm highly doubting it. You can't just say I care and pop in and out of her life once in awhile and say that's being a good father... that's more destructive to her then anything. And granted... this isn't exactly the life that I wanted her to have... but I will keep her from harms way no matter what.
.... I think I lost track a little of where I was going with the dream thing... Lol. So basically... I still have strong lingering feelings... because I loved... and possibly still love that jerk... but I feel more confident that I won't make a wrong decision again because even in my fantasy dream world I chose... or at least was willing to change my mind back... for my daughter's best interest. No matter how happy and secure I felt. I'm a little sad that the fantasy will never come true I have to say... but I'm hoping I'll get over it someday and move on... or at least stop dwelling in the drama subconsciously and consciously...
Well... I'm beginning to fall asleep at my computer.... so I think that's my cue to end this blog. Lol.
Chibisukie signing out!
Sunday, January 9, 2011
Blog 33: The End and A New Beginning
Hi
So I haven't written a blog since July... Wow that's a long time... My urge to write about life right now though is beyond great... So write I shall.
So in my last blog I wrote about a new situation in life... I wish I had talked about it sooner... I wish I got the "big secret" out there sooner. It's something I want people who are important to me to know... but instead I've more shut myself off from a good portion of these people as of late because of worry. =/ Before I tell what it is though I'm going to get into the most recent change.
So as you know from previous blogs William went to the Navy in September. We held together through boot camp and after, though there were some important things about our future we had to discuss that we didn't always 100% agree on... Also he was very busy with training so we didn't talk much period. I didn't stress too much about it though, because we both agreed that we would fully discuss and work out everything during Christmas Break. When we could talk things over in person. Well... instead... he dumped me. I tried one failed attempt to talk about something we needed to discuss and he got pissed at me. Then instead of trying to patch things up with me he told me that things wouldn't work between us... that we could try, but we'd most likely fail anyway. That we should just stay friends and maybe explore our "options". Frankly at the time... I was so beyond stunned. After a lot of crying, begging (pathetically...), and finally excepting reality I went home. Half way there though I was finally able to think with a clear head... and then more than anything I was thoroughly pissed off. I mean... basically he said his reasons to break things off were 1)We weren't communicating well and he didn't want to put any effort in to fixing it 2) He now only loved me as a "friend" 3) He thought we should see more of the world and maybe see other people before settling down............................
.......................................................................................................................................................................... Seriously... I fell in love with the king of ass-holes apparently. (excuse my language... but it's seriously the only word I could find that perfectly fits...) So... after all that was said and done I stopped talking to him completely. I also tried to make sure he couldn't contact me including changing my phone number, e-mail, etc. I was so outraged by everything... I needed space to think about where my next steps in life would be. However... I had forgotten about my poor old myspace account... and a little over a week ago I started getting messages there. I read, but did not reply for the first few days... but sadly he finally baited me and I started talking to him again. Now he's saying he wants to get back together. That he really does love me and never meant to hurt me the way he did. That he did it only because he thought we wouldn't have a chance together if we didn't (...?) and a whole bunch of other stuff like that... Now... you can call me unforgiving and crazy, but I told him no. I told him I could no longer trust him after this and past hurts... especially since he not only broke up with me but he willingly in a way gave up something very important. Very precious... all for his own selfish feelings. Yes... to add insult to injury to this entire situation (if that's possible)he broke things off while I was 8 months pregnant with his child. Yes... that is the "big secret". I'm pregnant with the most beautiful baby girl the world will ever know. 35 weeks along today. I was afraid to tell at first because I didn't want to lose the people I cared about, because they thought I was a slut, whore, etc. Again... I know. I played with fire... and with totally the wrong person I've come to find out... but I will never regret it. Because in the end I'll have my baby girl and that's all that really matters. Especially now. She's my world. I love her very much and can't wait for the day that I'll finally be able to hold her in my arms... Which will be pretty soon actually. ^^ Again I was afraid because I didn't want to lose anyone... then by the time I felt ready to tell it was kind of awkward because I was already so far along... it doesn't matter to me anymore though. I've already lost who I thought was the love of my life. The guy I was happy to have a child with... the guy I happily agreed to marry, not because of baby, but because I actually loved him. How quickly he changed... and how quickly I lost half of my future... but there's nothing that can be done now and I'm still going to live my life to the fullest. I don't want to lose anyone else, but I'm not so afraid anymore if they chose to leave. Because in the end I'll still have my baby to love and I'll at least be hated for who I really am... and not feel like I'm hiding my daughter out of shame... because I'm not ashamed of her.
The one thing that still kind of gets me about this breakup is that he's saying he... just... realized that he won't be a big part of baby's life. He will only be able to see her once or twice a year (... depending...) and won't really get a chance to be a daddy. That hits a soft spot for me I must say... but again... he said not 3 weeks ago that he had no problem with that. He basically gave her up. He didn't care whether she was a big part in his life or not. I sometimes feel like a great big jerk when I think about it... because the only way for him to see her more would be for us to be back together... but at the same time I don't trust him not to hurt me again... how can I trust him not to hurt her? Because thinking about it... if my little one was conscious of the outside world and able to understand what was being said she would have been hurt by this as well. So it's the decision I'm sticking with and hopefully it's the best one for her and I.
So that's the big drama of my life. Hahaha... ha... I'm trying not to complain... seriously. I know in a way I brought this onto myself... and I'm just glad it happened before I actually married the dude... I can't deny it's hard though... very hard. When people ask if I'm ok I always say yes... but really I'm not... Frankly the only thing that is keeping me together is my daughter. If it wasn't for her I would probably be in the nut house XP Lol. I tease. but still... I wouldn't be able to handle any of this without her. Funny... how a tiny little person you've never actually met could mean so much to you. Still though... My life may suck right now... and this was definitely a ranting blog, but I know what the best cure for all of this is. Don't dwell on the past or what could have been, keep a positive attitude, and look forward to the exiting and ever changing future. I don't know what will happen... but I do know I'll have my family and I will live my life as happily and fully as it can be. No matter what.
So with this blog I say goodbye to a 1 year 11 month relationship... and say hello to a new me, a new life, and soon my little Kayleigh.
Chibisukie signing out!
So I haven't written a blog since July... Wow that's a long time... My urge to write about life right now though is beyond great... So write I shall.
So in my last blog I wrote about a new situation in life... I wish I had talked about it sooner... I wish I got the "big secret" out there sooner. It's something I want people who are important to me to know... but instead I've more shut myself off from a good portion of these people as of late because of worry. =/ Before I tell what it is though I'm going to get into the most recent change.
So as you know from previous blogs William went to the Navy in September. We held together through boot camp and after, though there were some important things about our future we had to discuss that we didn't always 100% agree on... Also he was very busy with training so we didn't talk much period. I didn't stress too much about it though, because we both agreed that we would fully discuss and work out everything during Christmas Break. When we could talk things over in person. Well... instead... he dumped me. I tried one failed attempt to talk about something we needed to discuss and he got pissed at me. Then instead of trying to patch things up with me he told me that things wouldn't work between us... that we could try, but we'd most likely fail anyway. That we should just stay friends and maybe explore our "options". Frankly at the time... I was so beyond stunned. After a lot of crying, begging (pathetically...), and finally excepting reality I went home. Half way there though I was finally able to think with a clear head... and then more than anything I was thoroughly pissed off. I mean... basically he said his reasons to break things off were 1)We weren't communicating well and he didn't want to put any effort in to fixing it 2) He now only loved me as a "friend" 3) He thought we should see more of the world and maybe see other people before settling down............................
.......................................................................................................................................................................... Seriously... I fell in love with the king of ass-holes apparently. (excuse my language... but it's seriously the only word I could find that perfectly fits...) So... after all that was said and done I stopped talking to him completely. I also tried to make sure he couldn't contact me including changing my phone number, e-mail, etc. I was so outraged by everything... I needed space to think about where my next steps in life would be. However... I had forgotten about my poor old myspace account... and a little over a week ago I started getting messages there. I read, but did not reply for the first few days... but sadly he finally baited me and I started talking to him again. Now he's saying he wants to get back together. That he really does love me and never meant to hurt me the way he did. That he did it only because he thought we wouldn't have a chance together if we didn't (...?) and a whole bunch of other stuff like that... Now... you can call me unforgiving and crazy, but I told him no. I told him I could no longer trust him after this and past hurts... especially since he not only broke up with me but he willingly in a way gave up something very important. Very precious... all for his own selfish feelings. Yes... to add insult to injury to this entire situation (if that's possible)he broke things off while I was 8 months pregnant with his child. Yes... that is the "big secret". I'm pregnant with the most beautiful baby girl the world will ever know. 35 weeks along today. I was afraid to tell at first because I didn't want to lose the people I cared about, because they thought I was a slut, whore, etc. Again... I know. I played with fire... and with totally the wrong person I've come to find out... but I will never regret it. Because in the end I'll have my baby girl and that's all that really matters. Especially now. She's my world. I love her very much and can't wait for the day that I'll finally be able to hold her in my arms... Which will be pretty soon actually. ^^ Again I was afraid because I didn't want to lose anyone... then by the time I felt ready to tell it was kind of awkward because I was already so far along... it doesn't matter to me anymore though. I've already lost who I thought was the love of my life. The guy I was happy to have a child with... the guy I happily agreed to marry, not because of baby, but because I actually loved him. How quickly he changed... and how quickly I lost half of my future... but there's nothing that can be done now and I'm still going to live my life to the fullest. I don't want to lose anyone else, but I'm not so afraid anymore if they chose to leave. Because in the end I'll still have my baby to love and I'll at least be hated for who I really am... and not feel like I'm hiding my daughter out of shame... because I'm not ashamed of her.
The one thing that still kind of gets me about this breakup is that he's saying he... just... realized that he won't be a big part of baby's life. He will only be able to see her once or twice a year (... depending...) and won't really get a chance to be a daddy. That hits a soft spot for me I must say... but again... he said not 3 weeks ago that he had no problem with that. He basically gave her up. He didn't care whether she was a big part in his life or not. I sometimes feel like a great big jerk when I think about it... because the only way for him to see her more would be for us to be back together... but at the same time I don't trust him not to hurt me again... how can I trust him not to hurt her? Because thinking about it... if my little one was conscious of the outside world and able to understand what was being said she would have been hurt by this as well. So it's the decision I'm sticking with and hopefully it's the best one for her and I.
So that's the big drama of my life. Hahaha... ha... I'm trying not to complain... seriously. I know in a way I brought this onto myself... and I'm just glad it happened before I actually married the dude... I can't deny it's hard though... very hard. When people ask if I'm ok I always say yes... but really I'm not... Frankly the only thing that is keeping me together is my daughter. If it wasn't for her I would probably be in the nut house XP Lol. I tease. but still... I wouldn't be able to handle any of this without her. Funny... how a tiny little person you've never actually met could mean so much to you. Still though... My life may suck right now... and this was definitely a ranting blog, but I know what the best cure for all of this is. Don't dwell on the past or what could have been, keep a positive attitude, and look forward to the exiting and ever changing future. I don't know what will happen... but I do know I'll have my family and I will live my life as happily and fully as it can be. No matter what.
So with this blog I say goodbye to a 1 year 11 month relationship... and say hello to a new me, a new life, and soon my little Kayleigh.
Chibisukie signing out!
Thursday, July 15, 2010
Blog 32: Why Must Life Keep Getting MORE Complicated -_-
Tittle explains all....
So the day I hung out with Matt, which btw was a good visit ^^, my brain started functioning again and I realized I may of had a certain predicament on my hands... turns out... I do! Joy... -_- Which actually... my sarcasm bugs me with this topic. Cause my problem is really a wonderful thing. It makes me very happy =] but the situation and timing scares/stresses me out beyond belief. Especially with certain friends and family members. In a way though... I most likely deserve the treatment I may receive from it, though I really don't want it. I was playing with fire and I got burnt. That's that. Again... I'm actually excited, however most people would call it a HUGE mistake. I for one don't see it as one. Playing with fire as I said before, yes, but I will never regret it or call it a mistake. EVER. My life will never be what I fore saw it... kind of sort of... and there are things I may have to give up because of it, but still... in my mind it's all worth it. Only a couple people know about it right now... I want to tell everyone. Hell... broadcast it to the world. ^^ I'm scared too though... plus I can't. Things would go to crap if I did. -_- I do want to at least tell my friends though... but I'm worried they won't want to be there anymore. And forever will my name be mud. lol. To be honest... most the people I know if I told them and decided never to talk to me again I would be ok with it. I would also not care what they thought of me. There are a couple of people that concern me though. Also... I can't have rumors going around... that's also why I've been so secretive and not telling everyone and their Aunt Berta about it. I guess I shouldn't worry to much. Even if I wait they will decide to be friends with me or not. Their answer won't change. Might as well get it over with. lol. Man... I wish I didn't feel so insecure about myself right now. I hate it. I truly do. I haven't been like this since I was 13... and I vowed never to be again... and now here I am again. Ha... I guess people really don't change. *sigh*
I pray that things will be ok within the next year especially... but for the rest of my life too. lol.
Chibisukie signing out!
So the day I hung out with Matt, which btw was a good visit ^^, my brain started functioning again and I realized I may of had a certain predicament on my hands... turns out... I do! Joy... -_- Which actually... my sarcasm bugs me with this topic. Cause my problem is really a wonderful thing. It makes me very happy =] but the situation and timing scares/stresses me out beyond belief. Especially with certain friends and family members. In a way though... I most likely deserve the treatment I may receive from it, though I really don't want it. I was playing with fire and I got burnt. That's that. Again... I'm actually excited, however most people would call it a HUGE mistake. I for one don't see it as one. Playing with fire as I said before, yes, but I will never regret it or call it a mistake. EVER. My life will never be what I fore saw it... kind of sort of... and there are things I may have to give up because of it, but still... in my mind it's all worth it. Only a couple people know about it right now... I want to tell everyone. Hell... broadcast it to the world. ^^ I'm scared too though... plus I can't. Things would go to crap if I did. -_- I do want to at least tell my friends though... but I'm worried they won't want to be there anymore. And forever will my name be mud. lol. To be honest... most the people I know if I told them and decided never to talk to me again I would be ok with it. I would also not care what they thought of me. There are a couple of people that concern me though. Also... I can't have rumors going around... that's also why I've been so secretive and not telling everyone and their Aunt Berta about it. I guess I shouldn't worry to much. Even if I wait they will decide to be friends with me or not. Their answer won't change. Might as well get it over with. lol. Man... I wish I didn't feel so insecure about myself right now. I hate it. I truly do. I haven't been like this since I was 13... and I vowed never to be again... and now here I am again. Ha... I guess people really don't change. *sigh*
I pray that things will be ok within the next year especially... but for the rest of my life too. lol.
Chibisukie signing out!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
