Blog 33: The End and A New Beginning

Hi

So I haven't written a blog since July... Wow that's a long time... My urge to write about life right now though is beyond great... So write I shall.
So in my last blog I wrote about a new situation in life... I wish I had talked about it sooner... I wish I got the "big secret" out there sooner. It's something I want people who are important to me to know... but instead I've more shut myself off from a good portion of these people as of late because of worry. =/ Before I tell what it is though I'm going to get into the most recent change.
So as you know from previous blogs William went to the Navy in September. We held together through boot camp and after, though there were some important things about our future we had to discuss that we didn't always 100% agree on... Also he was very busy with training so we didn't talk much period. I didn't stress too much about it though, because we both agreed that we would fully discuss and work out everything during Christmas Break. When we could talk things over in person. Well... instead... he dumped me. I tried one failed attempt to talk about something we needed to discuss and he got pissed at me. Then instead of trying to patch things up with me he told me that things wouldn't work between us... that we could try, but we'd most likely fail anyway. That we should just stay friends and maybe explore our "options". Frankly at the time... I was so beyond stunned. After a lot of crying, begging (pathetically...), and finally excepting reality I went home. Half way there though I was finally able to think with a clear head... and then more than anything I was thoroughly pissed off. I mean... basically he said his reasons to break things off were 1)We weren't communicating well and he didn't want to put any effort in to fixing it 2) He now only loved me as a "friend" 3) He thought we should see more of the world and maybe see other people before settling down............................
.......................................................................................................................................................................... Seriously... I fell in love with the king of ass-holes apparently. (excuse my language... but it's seriously the only word I could find that perfectly fits...) So... after all that was said and done I stopped talking to him completely. I also tried to make sure he couldn't contact me including changing my phone number, e-mail, etc. I was so outraged by everything... I needed space to think about where my next steps in life would be. However... I had forgotten about my poor old myspace account... and a little over a week ago I started getting messages there. I read, but did not reply for the first few days... but sadly he finally baited me and I started talking to him again. Now he's saying he wants to get back together. That he really does love me and never meant to hurt me the way he did. That he did it only because he thought we wouldn't have a chance together if we didn't (...?) and a whole bunch of other stuff like that... Now... you can call me unforgiving and crazy, but I told him no. I told him I could no longer trust him after this and past hurts... especially since he not only broke up with me but he willingly in a way gave up something very important. Very precious... all for his own selfish feelings. Yes... to add insult to injury to this entire situation (if that's possible)he broke things off while I was 8 months pregnant with his child. Yes... that is the "big secret". I'm pregnant with the most beautiful baby girl the world will ever know. 35 weeks along today. I was afraid to tell at first because I didn't want to lose the people I cared about, because they thought I was a slut, whore, etc. Again... I know. I played with fire... and with totally the wrong person I've come to find out... but I will never regret it. Because in the end I'll have my baby girl and that's all that really matters. Especially now. She's my world. I love her very much and can't wait for the day that I'll finally be able to hold her in my arms... Which will be pretty soon actually. ^^ Again I was afraid because I didn't want to lose anyone... then by the time I felt ready to tell it was kind of awkward because I was already so far along... it doesn't matter to me anymore though. I've already lost who I thought was the love of my life. The guy I was happy to have a child with... the guy I happily agreed to marry, not because of baby, but because I actually loved him. How quickly he changed... and how quickly I lost half of my future... but there's nothing that can be done now and I'm still going to live my life to the fullest. I don't want to lose anyone else, but I'm not so afraid anymore if they chose to leave. Because in the end I'll still have my baby to love and I'll at least be hated for who I really am... and not feel like I'm hiding my daughter out of shame... because I'm not ashamed of her.
The one thing that still kind of gets me about this breakup is that he's saying he... just... realized that he won't be a big part of baby's life. He will only be able to see her once or twice a year (... depending...) and won't really get a chance to be a daddy. That hits a soft spot for me I must say... but again... he said not 3 weeks ago that he had no problem with that. He basically gave her up. He didn't care whether she was a big part in his life or not. I sometimes feel like a great big jerk when I think about it... because the only way for him to see her more would be for us to be back together... but at the same time I don't trust him not to hurt me again... how can I trust him not to hurt her? Because thinking about it... if my little one was conscious of the outside world and able to understand what was being said she would have been hurt by this as well. So it's the decision I'm sticking with and hopefully it's the best one for her and I.
So that's the big drama of my life. Hahaha... ha... I'm trying not to complain... seriously. I know in a way I brought this onto myself... and I'm just glad it happened before I actually married the dude... I can't deny it's hard though... very hard. When people ask if I'm ok I always say yes... but really I'm not... Frankly the only thing that is keeping me together is my daughter. If it wasn't for her I would probably be in the nut house XP Lol. I tease. but still... I wouldn't be able to handle any of this without her. Funny... how a tiny little person you've never actually met could mean so much to you. Still though... My life may suck right now... and this was definitely a ranting blog, but I know what the best cure for all of this is. Don't dwell on the past or what could have been, keep a positive attitude, and look forward to the exiting and ever changing future. I don't know what will happen... but I do know I'll have my family and I will live my life as happily and fully as it can be. No matter what.
So with this blog I say goodbye to a 1 year 11 month relationship... and say hello to a new me, a new life, and soon my little Kayleigh.
Chibisukie signing out!