Blog 34: Doom Day Approaches...

... Dun dun dun!!! ~

Lol XP

So my due date is days away now. I'm incredibly excited! Nervous... but excited ^^ Hopefully everything will go well once I go into labor ><... and hopefully it will be on my due date... and not later... or not happen at all and then have to be induced... which my doctor earlier this week said could possibly happen ><' We shall see I guess.
So the past two weeks my brother and I have been switching rooms. Before, I had my room and my brother had his which was attached to what we called the school room. Well.... now he's in my old room, I'm in the old school room, and his old room was turned into Kayleigh's nursery. It's put together really nice in there ^^ Her crib is all set up with a changing table, all her cute little clothes and blankies are washed and organized nicely, Mom painted parts of the room pink, Dad's putting up a chandelier, and frankly it's just too adorable. There's more that needs to be done, but things should be good for her for the first month or so at least. My new room... is much smaller and you have to walk threw it to get to Kayleigh's, but that's ok. She'll be protected. >=]From what? I have no idea... but I'll feel better about having her room close to mine. I had to get a new bed... smaller bed... and things are a little disorganized, but it's all coming together and is feeling real cozy. =] My brother's... is a complete and total mess still. Lol. Doesn't surprise me though. XP Hopefully he'll get things at least semi-organized soon. I have to say though... for all that had to be done and still needs to be done I'm glad about my nesting instincts kicking in. Granted... a lot of the work fell and still falls into over people's hands... but I would have given up on the whole thing if it wasn't for the fact that I must have order. Especially in Kayleigh's room. Lol. It's complicated to explain...
.... I was hoping writing about other things in this blog would keep some things off my mind, but it isn't working... *sigh* so I guess maybe I should write about what's bugging me instead and that will help... hopefully....
*WARNING: COMPLAINING WILL BEGIN FROM THIS POINT ON*
I had a bad dream last night. Well... technically it was fairly good... until the very end and when I woke up and came back to reality... It was about the whole William situation... and it's been on my mind all day. I honestly feel like I'm doing the right thing by not getting back together and not wanting him apart of her life after his actions and our discussions for the past 2+ months... He's truly brought out an ugly side of himself... but I also can't help feel lingering feelings for the way he used to be. For the guy I originally fell for. Part of me still wants to think that if we got back together things would change and he would go back to being the way he was. The more I think about it though... the more I think about how he's behaved and treated me, not just recently, but after the first 6 months or so of us dating... I know the guy I thought he was is never coming back. I'm also absolutely admitting that I was blinded by love and really should have seen this coming... As sad as that is... Anywho... In the dream I saw him again in person. For some reason we were spending time together like we used to. He was confessing his un-dieing love and how he wished to have me back yadda yadda etc. In the dream I said yes to getting back together finally and then things were happy again. He was holding me and I felt everything was right. After a little while longer and time together he went somewhere... I think it was to go get food or something for his family... I can't remember exactly though... and I thought about how happy I was to be in a relationship with him again and how I was happy that Kayleigh, him, and I could be a real family. And then reality hit me in the dream. Not once, out of the hours... days! (I'm not 100% sure to be honest) that we were together did he ask how his own daughter was. Not once did he ask if she needed something or bought her something (we went shopping at some point before) Not once had he honestly seemed to care about her or said he wanted to see her (she was already born and was like 3 or 4 I think in the dream). I began to realize how stupid I was for not seeing that before and being selfishly blinded into making a very wrong decision when I woke up. Then Wenry came and licked my face, but that's not important. Lol. I think about that dream though and how realistic it was... How much I really miss being told I'm loved, being held, and knowing someone is there... Of course even in the dream he wasn't 100% that... but what really hit me was that the things he didn't do in the dream... is close to what he hasn't done in real life for her. His daughter's almost here and he hasn't bought her one thing. He hasn't even asked if he could help or if we needed anything... and this is also talking about the time when we were still together. He's spent almost every dime he's made on himself. New clothing, shoes, a tattoo (yes... instead of thinking 'Gee... maybe I should be saving a little back just in case' he went and got himself a $500 tattoo...) Granted... this is one of the things I wanted to talk to him about before the breakup... Because he kept telling me that he was going into the Navy to support Kayleigh and I... and granted I know not everything important is about money... but I mean... if you had a baby on the way would you honestly be spending every last cent you made every other week on yourself? Is that being a good father? *sigh* Grr... sorry. Ranting. The point is though is sure, he'll e-mail me occasionally asking how she is and saying how he wished he could be there at the hospital... and kind of making it sound like it's all my fault and not that the Navy will obviously not let him take leave for it... but yeah. That's it. He said he wanted to be a father for her... that I should let him do that and that I'll be hurting her if I don't... but honestly... does he even know what it implies to be a dad? Because at this point I'm highly doubting it. You can't just say I care and pop in and out of her life once in awhile and say that's being a good father... that's more destructive to her then anything. And granted... this isn't exactly the life that I wanted her to have... but I will keep her from harms way no matter what.
.... I think I lost track a little of where I was going with the dream thing... Lol. So basically... I still have strong lingering feelings... because I loved... and possibly still love that jerk... but I feel more confident that I won't make a wrong decision again because even in my fantasy dream world I chose... or at least was willing to change my mind back... for my daughter's best interest. No matter how happy and secure I felt. I'm a little sad that the fantasy will never come true I have to say... but I'm hoping I'll get over it someday and move on... or at least stop dwelling in the drama subconsciously and consciously...
Well... I'm beginning to fall asleep at my computer.... so I think that's my cue to end this blog. Lol.
Chibisukie signing out!