Blog 22: I can't anymore...

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I just don't know what to do anymore. I can't... I just can't pretend that everything is 100% okie dokie all the time. I can only do so much. What I said yesterday in my last post is true. What happened doesn't bother me really anymore. It's just the currant problem bothers me greatly. To be completely honest... I'm scared. I mean like one mistake and I could end up breathing something really bad in or ripping my vocal cord or choking or something and that's a scary thing. I feel like I have to keep a 24/7 on the dial watch and be observant of everything I do and what my neck is doing at that moment or I'll die. Makes it a little hard not to think about... -_-' I mean I can't even sleep at night well cause I feel I have to get in the most perfect position before I fall asleep or I'll kill myself in my sleep. I don't like that. I just want to relax. I'm home now and the surgery is over. I should have less worries rather then more... Then also today reality hit me on the head with a hammer. No vocal cords means no voice. No voice definitely means no singing... =[ Which absolutely sucks big time. Thinking about it though I mean they'll come back over time and everything will be ok... but then I started thinking more and realized that what if my voice doesn't come back the same? What if I accidentally damage them during the healing processes and my singing will suck? Will I still have the same tone and range? Will I be able to sing any of my songs again? Will I be able to sing any of them to Will? And that's when I started crying. I've never sung any of the songs I've written to Will before... even the one I wrote for us! I wanted him to hear me in person... I'm an idiot... If I would have known that what happened was going to happen I would have sung them to him. I would have sung all my songs until I didn't have a voice. I miss singing so much! T-T That is the hardest part about this for me right now. I always sang... humming while doing chores to belting out my favorite piece I would pretty much sing all day everyday. Now that's gone... and I'm not sure of when I'll get it back... if at all. The doctors said that they have really high hopes of my voice coming back and everything being fine, but they didn't say IT WILL!! I feel like a part of me is gone! I just don't know what to do anymore and I thought ranting about it might help, but actually now I just feel much, much, worse. T-T Maybe I should talk to Mom or Dad... They may be able to at least reassure me that I can sleep semi-flat on my bed without feeling like my necks going to collapse or something. I don't want them to worry though... I don't want anyone to worry about me anymore. I hate making people worry. I also hate being weak... I hate the fact that I may not be strong enough to deal with my fears and pains by myself. I don't want to become dependent on someone. I don't want to become someones wet sack of potato's that just hangs there getting in there way. I want to be the one to hold that bag. Mine and the ones I care about most... but mines slipped so far down now and I don't know how to get it back. I need to talk to Will... but it's to late to call his house phone, he doesn't have his phone, and we haven't mastered the whole telekinesis thing yet so I have no way of getting a hold of him. =[ This sucks... I need to do something though... and sense writing nonsense here hasn't helped I think I should just stop wasting space and find something different to help me relax... Well... I'll write tomorrow. ChibiSukie signing out.