Hello
So this year to me has gone by really fast, but a lot of things have happened. So many that it would take all night to explain them, but I'm not going to be doing that. I would rather pig out on food and play video games all of tonight. XD So... First off I'm going to start off with what my new year's resolutions were for this year and talk about if I have achieved them............... I don't remember them.....................
So I'm going to move on to what my new year's resolutions are for this next year.
2009 New Year's Resolutions~
1. Actually remember them this year
2. Work on having a better temper
3. Get back into shape and stay a healthy weight
4. Do more for school
5. Stay on top of cleaning
6. Be good to my family and friends
7. Find a totally awesome costume for Halloween and go to a party
8. Buy better cloths
9. Save money
10. Start taking karate or dancing lessons
11. Stay on top of keeping in touch with my friends
12. Make my phone bill a lot cheaper
13. To write on my blog everyday
14. To finish writing one of my stories
15. At least have 12 songs written
I know that there are a lot, but I have a year to complete them so it should be ok. Plus there pretty simple ones. So ya... This year I have learned a lot about myself and I have changed from what I was like this time last year. I feel kind of accomplished by it. Anyways, in 2009 I really want to work on my flaws and hopefully succeed into becoming a better person with less of them. Alrighty. Thats it..... enough with the sappy stuff. Today was ok. I got to go to the store and I bought candy, a pair of really cute jeans, and an awesome pair of skater shoes! :) The only problem with today was that Joseph is in a horrible mood and is kind of being a jerk and that my parents (mostly Mom) have been nagging me non-stop! It's really starting to bug me, a lot. I almost just want to punch Mom every time she does it. She keeps asking my opinion about something then goes on to talk about it on and on and on. THEN she asks me the same question over and over and over again!!!!! I am soooooo sick of it! I'm fine helping her and giving my input or giving her my advice, but when she keeps asking over and over and over because she thinks I'm wrong or she doesn't believe me I get really fed up with it! It's so bad that I spend my whole day talking about what's on her mind and at this point I couldn't give a care and I don't want to talk to her anymore. Every single time she goes on and on and on about the same thing over and over and over again!! Do you think I've used enough "on"'s and "over"'s yet? Lol. I'll stop. My point is that Mom is really ticking me off and driving me nuts. Dad has just been his usual nagging self.... So I don't really need to rant about that. Well I'm going to get going and see if my family is actually planning on possibly doing something fun, but knowing how incredibly boring we are were probably going to do squat. Anywho.... ChibiSukie signing out!
Wednesday, December 31, 2008
Tuesday, December 30, 2008
Blog 8: Bored to Death
Hi
So yeah... Just as the tittle says I'm bored out of mind right now. There's nothing to do in this freaking house!!! T-T Sense Christmas break started I haven't had to really go anywhere. Sense I don't have to go anywhere I usually don't... I need to get out of this house though. I am getting so stir crazy it's not even funny. That's partially why I'm looking forward to this Saturday. A lot. I'm going to be going to my bff's house, which is totally awesome. Then I'm going to work an event with Explorers, then I'm going to spend the night at her house. After that my parents will probably pick me up after church on Sunday.... Oh shoot!!! Darn it! I just realized that if I go to my friend's house then I'm not going to be able to go to church up here. That's where the guy I want to talk to is going to be. >:< I'm still going to her house though... I just have to go threw an extra hellish week... lol. I'm already putting this week in the category of a hellish week and it's only Tuesday. XD I'm doomed.... I guess if I am really desperate to talk to him I can e-mail him.... but first off that would be really awkward sense I haven't talked to him for a year or so and secondly I never actually got his e-mail from him... I got it when the symphony was sending me a group e-mail... Plus I'm way to shy to do it so screw that plan! Anywho... There's really nothing else to talk about... Nothing happened today... Well I did get to talk to my friends and someone is really starting to PISS. ME. OFF... but I don't really want to get into that right now. Well... I guess that's it... ChibiSukie signing out....
So yeah... Just as the tittle says I'm bored out of mind right now. There's nothing to do in this freaking house!!! T-T Sense Christmas break started I haven't had to really go anywhere. Sense I don't have to go anywhere I usually don't... I need to get out of this house though. I am getting so stir crazy it's not even funny. That's partially why I'm looking forward to this Saturday. A lot. I'm going to be going to my bff's house, which is totally awesome. Then I'm going to work an event with Explorers, then I'm going to spend the night at her house. After that my parents will probably pick me up after church on Sunday.... Oh shoot!!! Darn it! I just realized that if I go to my friend's house then I'm not going to be able to go to church up here. That's where the guy I want to talk to is going to be. >:< I'm still going to her house though... I just have to go threw an extra hellish week... lol. I'm already putting this week in the category of a hellish week and it's only Tuesday. XD I'm doomed.... I guess if I am really desperate to talk to him I can e-mail him.... but first off that would be really awkward sense I haven't talked to him for a year or so and secondly I never actually got his e-mail from him... I got it when the symphony was sending me a group e-mail... Plus I'm way to shy to do it so screw that plan! Anywho... There's really nothing else to talk about... Nothing happened today... Well I did get to talk to my friends and someone is really starting to PISS. ME. OFF... but I don't really want to get into that right now. Well... I guess that's it... ChibiSukie signing out....
Monday, December 29, 2008
Blog 7: A Bad Day in the Life of Me
Halloo
Well.... Today was interesting in a somewhat good and a really bad way. Last night I couldn't sleep... again... cause of everything still on my mind. So I didn't fall asleep until like 6:30am. Because of that I didn't get up until around noon. My Dad was really ticked at me because after hours of trying to get me up apparently (I don't remember.)and after I finally was awake I didn't come down stairs that he yelled up to me that if I didn't come down stairs immediately he wouldn't give me my phone back (which my Mom stole earlier this morning without my permission.) So I got out of bed the best I could and hobbled down stairs. Then found my Mom and Dad. Then my Dad started going off about how horrible it was for me to sleep in that late(which I would agree with usually but first off it was Christmas break and second I was way to cranky to care.) and that I just goofed off all last night and that's why and that I neglected my chores last night sense the dishes were never done. I was ticked. He was doing the whole "I know what you did or what your thinking better then you do" thing again and I'm beginning to get fed up with it. So then I explained first that I did the chores he told me to and that he never told me do the dishes. Then he gave me this look like I should know automatically that it was my job (which we never agreed to) then said whatever. Then I explained more ticked that I couldn't sleep last night cause I had a lot on my mind not because I was goofing off. He didn't believe me. Then even angrier I explained that I didn't come down stairs immediately because my knee was out again. Then he was like why didn't you tell me then when I was up there. At that I was totally fed up with him and told him that I was half asleep when he was there so obviously I wasn't awake enough to think about it. Then he was really condescending to me. I stormed off saying forget it you can keep the phone. Which I regretted... but I was just so angry at that point I didn't care. I then laid back in bed and started crying because I was so frustrated and because my knee hurt really bad after my last performance there. After a few minutes there was a knock on my door so I put my arms over my eyes so he couldn't see and told him to come in. I knew it was my Dad. He walked in and put my phone down on my night stand. I forgave him a bit after that and responded with a thank you. Then he sat down on my bed and asked me why I wasn't able to sleep. I told him again that I had some thing on my mind. So he then asked me what it was. I told him it was nothing and that I'd get over it eventually. He told me that it wasn't the way to handle it and he was family and that's what he was there for etc... I still told him no. Then he asked if it was Mom would I talk. Still no. Then he got up frustrated and said that I should think about it and if I changed my mind to come down and talk about it. Then he left. I felt bad and I wanted to talk about it and I knew he was just trying to help, but it was about what I talked about yesterday. I didn't want to talk about a boy that I may love and about me being suicidal awhile back. Plus I kind of never told him about my ex.... hehe... Aaaanywho! I kept crying after that. Then about 10 minutes later suddenly my door burst open. I knew it was Mom so I quickly hid my head in my pillow so she couldn't see me crying. She then proceeded to jump on top of me... literally... then crawled into my bed and started pestering the same way as Dad. I gave in and told her about the guy I missed. It's really hard to talk about my troubles, but I was doing my best. The whole time though she kept interrupting me to talk about how worried and depressed she was for one of her friends problems. Then when I finally finished she stared off into space for a few seconds and then asked my opinion on her friends situation... again. Then she wanted to go down stairs to her room and talk about it more. I went and talked to her about it and other things for a few hours after that. Screw it... It seems like every time I try to talk about my problems and my worries I get completely ignored. They pry and pry and pry then I finally break in and tell them because I do want to... I just get scared to and don't to worry them... then they tease me the entire time I talk making me think at the end they'll consul me or give me advice then what do I get? Nothing. They either just ignore me and go talk to someone else or they just talk about themselves. I want to help people as much as possible, but it's always "me me ME"!!! I'm getting really fed up with it. If there going to be that way then fine, but don't lead me on to making me think that they actually care. I'm not asking anyone to become my 24 hour therapist or someone to bitch at a lot. It would just be nice though to have someone care long enough... or just enough... when I really needed to talk to someone. It would have been nice to talk to someone today that cared about it... but I don't need it. I know what I need to do to get over what I'm thinking about... I just need to wait a week.... If I really wanted to I could talk to my friends and they probably would listen... At least I hope.... but the problem isn't to bad. I'll live through it. I don't want to trouble my friends over it cause they don't need anymore of it. *Sigh* So ya... Back to today... After I was with my Mom for awhile I needed to be by myself. So I escaped outside to my tree swing. I would have gone farther or somewhere more excluded, but my knee hurt... I wasn't going to walk far. I got there and started thinking about what my Mom did to me and I started crying again. I just didn't care anymore and suddenly just wanted to curl up into a ball and die. Then suddenly my phone vibrated. I thought it was another text, so I was going to ignore it for the moment, but then it did it again. It was a phone call that turned out to be a friend I hadn't talked to in awhile. I was a bit harsh at her at first, because I was in a crummy mood and I didn't know who she was at first when she called me by name, which I feel bad about, but she helped me. We didn't talk about much it was just simple chit chat, but it made me feel loads better. She was really positive about everything the entire time and I think that was what I needed. I think it showed me that maybe even if I didn't want to talk about my problems, just talking could help. So I think I will call my friends next time that happens. It certainly couldn't hurt. I'm still a bit bummed and angry about everything though, which I'm sure you couldn't tell from this massive rant, but like I said earlier, I'll be ok. Lol... Some blog... This is more like a personal diary for me.... One that the whole world can see... ok now that's just creepy... I highly doubt though that many people would care about me ranting about my pathetic life enough to actually read this. But ya... If I was really concerned about it though I could just put it on private, but I don't really care. Well hopefully someday I will write a completely happy and positive blog, but until then your going to have to bear with me to see it. Anyways... I think this blog is long enough. So... ChibiSukie signing out!
Well.... Today was interesting in a somewhat good and a really bad way. Last night I couldn't sleep... again... cause of everything still on my mind. So I didn't fall asleep until like 6:30am. Because of that I didn't get up until around noon. My Dad was really ticked at me because after hours of trying to get me up apparently (I don't remember.)and after I finally was awake I didn't come down stairs that he yelled up to me that if I didn't come down stairs immediately he wouldn't give me my phone back (which my Mom stole earlier this morning without my permission.) So I got out of bed the best I could and hobbled down stairs. Then found my Mom and Dad. Then my Dad started going off about how horrible it was for me to sleep in that late(which I would agree with usually but first off it was Christmas break and second I was way to cranky to care.) and that I just goofed off all last night and that's why and that I neglected my chores last night sense the dishes were never done. I was ticked. He was doing the whole "I know what you did or what your thinking better then you do" thing again and I'm beginning to get fed up with it. So then I explained first that I did the chores he told me to and that he never told me do the dishes. Then he gave me this look like I should know automatically that it was my job (which we never agreed to) then said whatever. Then I explained more ticked that I couldn't sleep last night cause I had a lot on my mind not because I was goofing off. He didn't believe me. Then even angrier I explained that I didn't come down stairs immediately because my knee was out again. Then he was like why didn't you tell me then when I was up there. At that I was totally fed up with him and told him that I was half asleep when he was there so obviously I wasn't awake enough to think about it. Then he was really condescending to me. I stormed off saying forget it you can keep the phone. Which I regretted... but I was just so angry at that point I didn't care. I then laid back in bed and started crying because I was so frustrated and because my knee hurt really bad after my last performance there. After a few minutes there was a knock on my door so I put my arms over my eyes so he couldn't see and told him to come in. I knew it was my Dad. He walked in and put my phone down on my night stand. I forgave him a bit after that and responded with a thank you. Then he sat down on my bed and asked me why I wasn't able to sleep. I told him again that I had some thing on my mind. So he then asked me what it was. I told him it was nothing and that I'd get over it eventually. He told me that it wasn't the way to handle it and he was family and that's what he was there for etc... I still told him no. Then he asked if it was Mom would I talk. Still no. Then he got up frustrated and said that I should think about it and if I changed my mind to come down and talk about it. Then he left. I felt bad and I wanted to talk about it and I knew he was just trying to help, but it was about what I talked about yesterday. I didn't want to talk about a boy that I may love and about me being suicidal awhile back. Plus I kind of never told him about my ex.... hehe... Aaaanywho! I kept crying after that. Then about 10 minutes later suddenly my door burst open. I knew it was Mom so I quickly hid my head in my pillow so she couldn't see me crying. She then proceeded to jump on top of me... literally... then crawled into my bed and started pestering the same way as Dad. I gave in and told her about the guy I missed. It's really hard to talk about my troubles, but I was doing my best. The whole time though she kept interrupting me to talk about how worried and depressed she was for one of her friends problems. Then when I finally finished she stared off into space for a few seconds and then asked my opinion on her friends situation... again. Then she wanted to go down stairs to her room and talk about it more. I went and talked to her about it and other things for a few hours after that. Screw it... It seems like every time I try to talk about my problems and my worries I get completely ignored. They pry and pry and pry then I finally break in and tell them because I do want to... I just get scared to and don't to worry them... then they tease me the entire time I talk making me think at the end they'll consul me or give me advice then what do I get? Nothing. They either just ignore me and go talk to someone else or they just talk about themselves. I want to help people as much as possible, but it's always "me me ME"!!! I'm getting really fed up with it. If there going to be that way then fine, but don't lead me on to making me think that they actually care. I'm not asking anyone to become my 24 hour therapist or someone to bitch at a lot. It would just be nice though to have someone care long enough... or just enough... when I really needed to talk to someone. It would have been nice to talk to someone today that cared about it... but I don't need it. I know what I need to do to get over what I'm thinking about... I just need to wait a week.... If I really wanted to I could talk to my friends and they probably would listen... At least I hope.... but the problem isn't to bad. I'll live through it. I don't want to trouble my friends over it cause they don't need anymore of it. *Sigh* So ya... Back to today... After I was with my Mom for awhile I needed to be by myself. So I escaped outside to my tree swing. I would have gone farther or somewhere more excluded, but my knee hurt... I wasn't going to walk far. I got there and started thinking about what my Mom did to me and I started crying again. I just didn't care anymore and suddenly just wanted to curl up into a ball and die. Then suddenly my phone vibrated. I thought it was another text, so I was going to ignore it for the moment, but then it did it again. It was a phone call that turned out to be a friend I hadn't talked to in awhile. I was a bit harsh at her at first, because I was in a crummy mood and I didn't know who she was at first when she called me by name, which I feel bad about, but she helped me. We didn't talk about much it was just simple chit chat, but it made me feel loads better. She was really positive about everything the entire time and I think that was what I needed. I think it showed me that maybe even if I didn't want to talk about my problems, just talking could help. So I think I will call my friends next time that happens. It certainly couldn't hurt. I'm still a bit bummed and angry about everything though, which I'm sure you couldn't tell from this massive rant, but like I said earlier, I'll be ok. Lol... Some blog... This is more like a personal diary for me.... One that the whole world can see... ok now that's just creepy... I highly doubt though that many people would care about me ranting about my pathetic life enough to actually read this. But ya... If I was really concerned about it though I could just put it on private, but I don't really care. Well hopefully someday I will write a completely happy and positive blog, but until then your going to have to bear with me to see it. Anyways... I think this blog is long enough. So... ChibiSukie signing out!
Sunday, December 28, 2008
Blog 6 Part 2: A Boring Day
Hey
I'm feeling a bit better then I was earlier about things, but not much. Today wasn't anything special. I went to the dump with my Grandpa, got to hang out and relax, and went on a ridiculously hard walk with my Mom. That was about it. I'm actually feeling a lot better health wise today, which I'm really happy about. I should be completely over whatever I have before next weekend. I started reading Twilight today. I was reluctant about reading it because I thought it was going to be pretty stupid, but sense everyone has been talking about it, they made a movie about it, and Paramore did a song for the movie if not the whole sound track. I thought I would give it a go and actually so far it's pretty good. I'm only on the 3rd chapter, but ya. I like her writing style. I'm a bit confused about how the characters act themselves... which kind of makes the story interesting in it's own way... but I like the straight forward writing of the story. Thats about it... just another boring day in my pretty boring life... The people around me aren't boring... but I am... anywho... ChibiSukie signing out.
I'm feeling a bit better then I was earlier about things, but not much. Today wasn't anything special. I went to the dump with my Grandpa, got to hang out and relax, and went on a ridiculously hard walk with my Mom. That was about it. I'm actually feeling a lot better health wise today, which I'm really happy about. I should be completely over whatever I have before next weekend. I started reading Twilight today. I was reluctant about reading it because I thought it was going to be pretty stupid, but sense everyone has been talking about it, they made a movie about it, and Paramore did a song for the movie if not the whole sound track. I thought I would give it a go and actually so far it's pretty good. I'm only on the 3rd chapter, but ya. I like her writing style. I'm a bit confused about how the characters act themselves... which kind of makes the story interesting in it's own way... but I like the straight forward writing of the story. Thats about it... just another boring day in my pretty boring life... The people around me aren't boring... but I am... anywho... ChibiSukie signing out.
Blog 6 Part 1: Lost Love
Hey
So it's really early for me to be writing about my day sense its not over... So I'm going to write about it later tonight.... but something has been on my mind sense early this morning and I just kind of need to let out some steam... Before January this year I had the simple dream of actually doing all the school I needed to do and do it well, become a flutist, and marry the guy of my dreams. That was it and I tried my best to fulfill these dreams. But after January I lost it all. I became even less social and more shy and I was so depressed. It got to the point when I was so scared to sleep because I thought that no one would be there when I woke up and I would be left alone. I couldn't talk about this problem with anyone because I didn't want to worry them, so instead of trying to fix it I did all nighters at least every other night. Then by early March I was so sleep deprived that I almost went into a comatose state. I would sleep for 12 hours then be up for 3 then fall back asleep for another 6. At one point I actually think I slept for 20 hours straight. I hated it, because I felt I was hiding from the work and responsibility that I had and I was making my parents angry and worried. But in truth there was nothing I could do but sleep. After about 2 weeks of this I was finally was able to stay up for a decent amount of time and decided that the all nighters needed to stop no matter how I felt, but I was still hella down. Then around April I was able to talk to Kathy a lot more which helped a lot, then by June I was feeling much better and thats when I started Explorers. During that time though I had a lot of suicidal thoughts and to get away from them, yet ease the pain a bit, I was hurting myself. I don't think I ever cut myself, however appealing that was at the time, but I was doing stuff like beating the crud out of my leg or purposely over exerting my bad knees so I would whack them out and be laid up for awhile. It scared me... a lot. I didn't want to hurt myself to ease my pains and fears, but that was the only thing I could think of. I'm not at that point anymore... Thank God! but I was still never able to go back to how happy I was and be as inspired to do well in what I love. I never knew why and it bugged me... I mean I know part of it is what has been going on in my family and that I'm bummed out for my friends because there going through some really hard times right now, but there was a big part of the answer I could never figure out. I think I may have found out what it was though. Finally. I was up really late last night because I couldn't sleep, no matter how tired I was I just couldn't. Then I was startled right before I fell asleep and shot up in my bed and said, "Screw it. I'm going on the comp again." Then again suddenly I started crying and blurted out. "I miss _____!!!" I was really surprised that it suddenly came out like that and I thought I was over him, but I couldn't stop crying. Thats when it hit me. I was so depressed earlier this year and apparently still bummed out about not being able to see him sense then. I also think I was inspired by him to fulfill my goals. I wanted him to be proud of me for improving in flute and being able to actually say to him that I was doing well in school. I wanted to become a better person for him and no one else. I wanted to become less shy so that I could talk to him freely so he could know me for the real me. He liked me then though.... even though I was in my awkward part of my teenage years with no fashion sense to save my life and was a total dork he still talked to me and that mad me very happy. I wonder if I ever see him again if he would like me now. If he would even remember me... I don't know. I feel so stupid though.... It was just a young girls silly little crush right? I was just infatuated by him. It will mean nothing much when I go to collage and see the real world. As much as I tell myself that though it doesn't work. Every boy I've met sense has never made me feel the same way as he did. Is this love? Do I love him still after all this time? I just don't know anymore. He probably has a really sweet gf and is happy. I hope he's happy and well whatever he may be doing. It makes me feel better to picture him happy, yet I can't help but want to see him again. So badly. Just to see if I feel the same as I did. Even if we could just be friends again that would be good. Should I try to see him again? Should I even try? I know where to find him, but I'm afraid. Will it hurt more to see him again? I don't know!! I don't know anymore! I don't know if I just like him as a friend or actually do love him all I know is that I want to see him again and talk and to see him smile. I don't even know if he wants to see me or likes me anymore. I don't know what to do... I feel like trash because of it and because I'm a horrible person. I know why I dated my ex... I was lonely. I liked him a lot don't get me wrong, but not like that. I just used him to my own advantage. I'm such a sucky person no matter how you look at that. Thats the reason why I mostly broke up with him was because I couldn't live with the guilt of knowing what I was doing. I didn't want to play with his emotions like that. I am so sorry for it now and if I could I would go back in time and stop myself from doing it, but I can't. I have to live with my mistakes and learn. I have. I really have learned. Yet I still feel that I should have been hurt so badly in the end... I'm the most awful person I know. Screw ranting about my family. I'm the one that makes me the maddest!! I don't know what to do anymore or if I should even care at this point.... I don't know.... ChibiSukie signing out.
So it's really early for me to be writing about my day sense its not over... So I'm going to write about it later tonight.... but something has been on my mind sense early this morning and I just kind of need to let out some steam... Before January this year I had the simple dream of actually doing all the school I needed to do and do it well, become a flutist, and marry the guy of my dreams. That was it and I tried my best to fulfill these dreams. But after January I lost it all. I became even less social and more shy and I was so depressed. It got to the point when I was so scared to sleep because I thought that no one would be there when I woke up and I would be left alone. I couldn't talk about this problem with anyone because I didn't want to worry them, so instead of trying to fix it I did all nighters at least every other night. Then by early March I was so sleep deprived that I almost went into a comatose state. I would sleep for 12 hours then be up for 3 then fall back asleep for another 6. At one point I actually think I slept for 20 hours straight. I hated it, because I felt I was hiding from the work and responsibility that I had and I was making my parents angry and worried. But in truth there was nothing I could do but sleep. After about 2 weeks of this I was finally was able to stay up for a decent amount of time and decided that the all nighters needed to stop no matter how I felt, but I was still hella down. Then around April I was able to talk to Kathy a lot more which helped a lot, then by June I was feeling much better and thats when I started Explorers. During that time though I had a lot of suicidal thoughts and to get away from them, yet ease the pain a bit, I was hurting myself. I don't think I ever cut myself, however appealing that was at the time, but I was doing stuff like beating the crud out of my leg or purposely over exerting my bad knees so I would whack them out and be laid up for awhile. It scared me... a lot. I didn't want to hurt myself to ease my pains and fears, but that was the only thing I could think of. I'm not at that point anymore... Thank God! but I was still never able to go back to how happy I was and be as inspired to do well in what I love. I never knew why and it bugged me... I mean I know part of it is what has been going on in my family and that I'm bummed out for my friends because there going through some really hard times right now, but there was a big part of the answer I could never figure out. I think I may have found out what it was though. Finally. I was up really late last night because I couldn't sleep, no matter how tired I was I just couldn't. Then I was startled right before I fell asleep and shot up in my bed and said, "Screw it. I'm going on the comp again." Then again suddenly I started crying and blurted out. "I miss _____!!!" I was really surprised that it suddenly came out like that and I thought I was over him, but I couldn't stop crying. Thats when it hit me. I was so depressed earlier this year and apparently still bummed out about not being able to see him sense then. I also think I was inspired by him to fulfill my goals. I wanted him to be proud of me for improving in flute and being able to actually say to him that I was doing well in school. I wanted to become a better person for him and no one else. I wanted to become less shy so that I could talk to him freely so he could know me for the real me. He liked me then though.... even though I was in my awkward part of my teenage years with no fashion sense to save my life and was a total dork he still talked to me and that mad me very happy. I wonder if I ever see him again if he would like me now. If he would even remember me... I don't know. I feel so stupid though.... It was just a young girls silly little crush right? I was just infatuated by him. It will mean nothing much when I go to collage and see the real world. As much as I tell myself that though it doesn't work. Every boy I've met sense has never made me feel the same way as he did. Is this love? Do I love him still after all this time? I just don't know anymore. He probably has a really sweet gf and is happy. I hope he's happy and well whatever he may be doing. It makes me feel better to picture him happy, yet I can't help but want to see him again. So badly. Just to see if I feel the same as I did. Even if we could just be friends again that would be good. Should I try to see him again? Should I even try? I know where to find him, but I'm afraid. Will it hurt more to see him again? I don't know!! I don't know anymore! I don't know if I just like him as a friend or actually do love him all I know is that I want to see him again and talk and to see him smile. I don't even know if he wants to see me or likes me anymore. I don't know what to do... I feel like trash because of it and because I'm a horrible person. I know why I dated my ex... I was lonely. I liked him a lot don't get me wrong, but not like that. I just used him to my own advantage. I'm such a sucky person no matter how you look at that. Thats the reason why I mostly broke up with him was because I couldn't live with the guilt of knowing what I was doing. I didn't want to play with his emotions like that. I am so sorry for it now and if I could I would go back in time and stop myself from doing it, but I can't. I have to live with my mistakes and learn. I have. I really have learned. Yet I still feel that I should have been hurt so badly in the end... I'm the most awful person I know. Screw ranting about my family. I'm the one that makes me the maddest!! I don't know what to do anymore or if I should even care at this point.... I don't know.... ChibiSukie signing out.
Saturday, December 27, 2008
Blog 5: [insert preferred title here]
This years New Year's Revolutions for 2009.
1: Remember my news years revolution
2: To not put to much pressure on my self to remember them, so no more revolutions.
No wait!.... Darn.
3: Forgive myself for failed revolutions.
XD
Lol. remembering my revolutions is actually a real one for this year, but I'll write down the rest of them on New Year's Eve.
Yesterday I found out that my friend, Gary, trashed his arm up hella bad. He was helping his brother-in-law replace the breaks on his van when the jack holding up the car slipped. Then Gary tried to hold it up and got a few flesh wounds from it. He's going to be in a splint for a month. I'm just glad though that it didn't land on his head or something, but it's still bad that he got hurt. Whats also kind of funny, but not, is that my bff, Kathy, sprained her wrist just a few days ago. So they both have injured arms now.... I wonder if it's the same arm, if so that would be a bit creepy. Well anyways... I Also wanted to talk about something else too yesterday I think, but I don't remember it... so I'll move on to today. So today I slept in till about 12:30, so I feel MUCH better. I still felt like trash though. I'm still pretty sick. It's been about a week now, but it just won't go away. I think this cold though has given me a chest infection. Oh well... I'm pretty used to it. I'll just have to deal with it for another week or so and pray that it doesn't turn to pneumonia... again. So ya... today was as a whole ok I guess. I got to talk to my friends, and I had Chinese food tonight for dinner. Thats all I need to have a decent day, friends and good food. :D I need to lay off the food a bit though.... I don't have any else to talk about... So I'm going to go play guitar now. ChibiSukie signing out!
1: Remember my news years revolution
2: To not put to much pressure on my self to remember them, so no more revolutions.
No wait!.... Darn.
3: Forgive myself for failed revolutions.
XD
Lol. remembering my revolutions is actually a real one for this year, but I'll write down the rest of them on New Year's Eve.
Yesterday I found out that my friend, Gary, trashed his arm up hella bad. He was helping his brother-in-law replace the breaks on his van when the jack holding up the car slipped. Then Gary tried to hold it up and got a few flesh wounds from it. He's going to be in a splint for a month. I'm just glad though that it didn't land on his head or something, but it's still bad that he got hurt. Whats also kind of funny, but not, is that my bff, Kathy, sprained her wrist just a few days ago. So they both have injured arms now.... I wonder if it's the same arm, if so that would be a bit creepy. Well anyways... I Also wanted to talk about something else too yesterday I think, but I don't remember it... so I'll move on to today. So today I slept in till about 12:30, so I feel MUCH better. I still felt like trash though. I'm still pretty sick. It's been about a week now, but it just won't go away. I think this cold though has given me a chest infection. Oh well... I'm pretty used to it. I'll just have to deal with it for another week or so and pray that it doesn't turn to pneumonia... again. So ya... today was as a whole ok I guess. I got to talk to my friends, and I had Chinese food tonight for dinner. Thats all I need to have a decent day, friends and good food. :D I need to lay off the food a bit though.... I don't have any else to talk about... So I'm going to go play guitar now. ChibiSukie signing out!
Friday, December 26, 2008
Blog 4: Quicky One
Hi
I'm really tired today. I've been up for 25 hours... I want to go to bed. So what I did today was eat, goofed off on the computer, played video games, watched a movie, and talked to friends and family. Thats about it. Nothing else was interesting today. Nothing to report... well there is, but I'll talk about it tomorrow. Well Good Night! ChibiSukie signing out!
I'm really tired today. I've been up for 25 hours... I want to go to bed. So what I did today was eat, goofed off on the computer, played video games, watched a movie, and talked to friends and family. Thats about it. Nothing else was interesting today. Nothing to report... well there is, but I'll talk about it tomorrow. Well Good Night! ChibiSukie signing out!
Blog 3: Tis' the season to be jolly. Merry Christmas!!!
Hello
I'm a bit late... It's not my first time.... but still.... It was Christmas.... one minute ago.... but that's not going to stop me. Just pretend it was a minute ago and I'll talk about today! :D Today was fun and I had a pretty good day. I'm in a bit better spirits and yes that also means I have been in the Christmas Spirit also. Whoot! :) Can I tell you whats really sad about that though... I just realized how incredibly corny it is... and it's been on my mind for two days now... lol. So anywho... I wasn't able to go to church today, because I was sick and my parents weren't able to drive me. :( My favorite time to go to mass is on Christmas and I wasn't able to go... but there wasn't much I could do... obviously. Well I'm still young and have tons of Christmas' ahead of me(I hope!), so I won't be bummed out about it to much. I was going to get up early today, which I kind of did, but I didn't want to get out of bed because it was cold. So... I fell back asleep and didn't get up until around 11:00. I then hung out with my immediate family, plus Aunt Betsy, second cousin Jayda, and grandparents. Then things got a lot more fun when My cousins Josh and Jeremy and Josh's fiance, Briana, came. I haven't seen Josh and Jeremy in a long time so it was really cool and it was my first time meeting Briana. She is totally awesome!!!!! I could tell she was nervous and was trying to show how close she was to Jayda and Aunt Betsy. To show some tie to the family or something... You know... The typical nervous fiance meeting her bf's family for the first time. But ya... I think Josh and her make a cute couple and I want things to go well for them. So we were all snacking on really good food and talking and having a good time. Then my cousin Briana(I can tell that this is going to get really confusing.... lol), Jayda's Mom, came and then we eat dinner and stuffed ourselves with reckless abandon! :) Then we all went into the family room and watched Josh put together one of those toy kitchens that he bought for Jayda. It was really entertaining. lol. The only thing that was really sad about today though was that Dad was so sick that he couldn't eat or hang out with all of us. I mean Mom, Joseph, and I hung out with him before everyone got there and we would come and check up on him often, but still. It sucked and I feel sorry for Dad.... but it seemed like he liked his gifts so that's at least something. Oh! Gifts!!! I got gifts too! I actually didn't think I was going to get anything, because I had already gotten mine from my parents, which was a coat.... which I really REALLY like... and then my Grandma told me that she wasn't getting anything for anybody until AFTER Christmas because of the prices. I was fine with it, but I actually did get presents and that always makes the day better. I got a really awesome shirt from Joseph, thermal pj's, socks, and a fleece blanket from Santa aka: Grandparents, and I got footsie slippers and gloves from Josh, Jeremy, and Briana(fiance). It was so sweet of them to get me something!! I was totally not expecting anything from them. And Briana told me that wneh she went shopping for them she didn't know my size so she guessed and hoped for the best and they turned out to be the perfect size. Scary... but still really cool!! I feel bad though... I didn't have a lot of money this year to spend on presents and I really wasn't expecting anything from them... so I didn't get anything for them... T-T It probably didn't matter to them and Mom kept telling me it was ok, but I still want to make it up to them some how. So I plan on sending them a thank you card and then getting something really, really, nice for them for there wedding... unless I have an excuse to give them something sooner. So today turned out pretty well and I hope to see my family again soon... Of course I'm not a huge fan of Aunt Betsy and every time I see Jayda I have to babysit her... so maybe just the cousins.... One more thing that made this day amazing was when I woke up and found tons of messages on my phone from my friends wishing me a Merry Christmas. It made me VERY happy and it still does. Then I sent out mine to my friends and a couple of other people I haven't talked to in awhile and to my surprise I even got one back from my ex! We haven't spoken sense we broke up and I was a bit scared to send one to him, but he seemed happy. I'm so glad that he doesn't totally hate me and that we can still talk it looks like. Hopefully one day it can go back a bit to the way things used to be... but it probably won't. I'll get into more details about it later. Well... I don't really have anything else left to say other then thank God that today turned out pretty well, that I hope Dad feels better soon, and that my friends had a very merry Christmas. ChibiSukie signing out!
I'm a bit late... It's not my first time.... but still.... It was Christmas.... one minute ago.... but that's not going to stop me. Just pretend it was a minute ago and I'll talk about today! :D Today was fun and I had a pretty good day. I'm in a bit better spirits and yes that also means I have been in the Christmas Spirit also. Whoot! :) Can I tell you whats really sad about that though... I just realized how incredibly corny it is... and it's been on my mind for two days now... lol. So anywho... I wasn't able to go to church today, because I was sick and my parents weren't able to drive me. :( My favorite time to go to mass is on Christmas and I wasn't able to go... but there wasn't much I could do... obviously. Well I'm still young and have tons of Christmas' ahead of me(I hope!), so I won't be bummed out about it to much. I was going to get up early today, which I kind of did, but I didn't want to get out of bed because it was cold. So... I fell back asleep and didn't get up until around 11:00. I then hung out with my immediate family, plus Aunt Betsy, second cousin Jayda, and grandparents. Then things got a lot more fun when My cousins Josh and Jeremy and Josh's fiance, Briana, came. I haven't seen Josh and Jeremy in a long time so it was really cool and it was my first time meeting Briana. She is totally awesome!!!!! I could tell she was nervous and was trying to show how close she was to Jayda and Aunt Betsy. To show some tie to the family or something... You know... The typical nervous fiance meeting her bf's family for the first time. But ya... I think Josh and her make a cute couple and I want things to go well for them. So we were all snacking on really good food and talking and having a good time. Then my cousin Briana(I can tell that this is going to get really confusing.... lol), Jayda's Mom, came and then we eat dinner and stuffed ourselves with reckless abandon! :) Then we all went into the family room and watched Josh put together one of those toy kitchens that he bought for Jayda. It was really entertaining. lol. The only thing that was really sad about today though was that Dad was so sick that he couldn't eat or hang out with all of us. I mean Mom, Joseph, and I hung out with him before everyone got there and we would come and check up on him often, but still. It sucked and I feel sorry for Dad.... but it seemed like he liked his gifts so that's at least something. Oh! Gifts!!! I got gifts too! I actually didn't think I was going to get anything, because I had already gotten mine from my parents, which was a coat.... which I really REALLY like... and then my Grandma told me that she wasn't getting anything for anybody until AFTER Christmas because of the prices. I was fine with it, but I actually did get presents and that always makes the day better. I got a really awesome shirt from Joseph, thermal pj's, socks, and a fleece blanket from Santa aka: Grandparents, and I got footsie slippers and gloves from Josh, Jeremy, and Briana(fiance). It was so sweet of them to get me something!! I was totally not expecting anything from them. And Briana told me that wneh she went shopping for them she didn't know my size so she guessed and hoped for the best and they turned out to be the perfect size. Scary... but still really cool!! I feel bad though... I didn't have a lot of money this year to spend on presents and I really wasn't expecting anything from them... so I didn't get anything for them... T-T It probably didn't matter to them and Mom kept telling me it was ok, but I still want to make it up to them some how. So I plan on sending them a thank you card and then getting something really, really, nice for them for there wedding... unless I have an excuse to give them something sooner. So today turned out pretty well and I hope to see my family again soon... Of course I'm not a huge fan of Aunt Betsy and every time I see Jayda I have to babysit her... so maybe just the cousins.... One more thing that made this day amazing was when I woke up and found tons of messages on my phone from my friends wishing me a Merry Christmas. It made me VERY happy and it still does. Then I sent out mine to my friends and a couple of other people I haven't talked to in awhile and to my surprise I even got one back from my ex! We haven't spoken sense we broke up and I was a bit scared to send one to him, but he seemed happy. I'm so glad that he doesn't totally hate me and that we can still talk it looks like. Hopefully one day it can go back a bit to the way things used to be... but it probably won't. I'll get into more details about it later. Well... I don't really have anything else left to say other then thank God that today turned out pretty well, that I hope Dad feels better soon, and that my friends had a very merry Christmas. ChibiSukie signing out!
Wednesday, December 24, 2008
Blog 2: Christmas Spiritless
Hi
Today wasn't one of the best days I've had. I had to get up early to go last minute Christmas shopping with Mom, which was fun, but everything else started to go down hill from there. Everyone is in a pissed off mood right now, especially Joseph(my brother) and my Grandma. Just in case you didn't know, my grandparent's live with my family. So Joseph's really angry about something again and I have no idea what about. He's been a total jerk to me and everyone else all day. I usually don't stand for someone yelling at me for no reason and/or taking there frustration's out on me, but I don't really care anymore... He has these mood swings that you can't predict and he takes out whatevers wrong on everyone around him. Just like a girls mood swings a bit. Lol. I'm not calling him a girl with that statement, I'm just saying.... I don't know about him.... but moving on... Grandma. She's all freaked out, because she wants everything perfect for tomorrow. She's one of those people that are not only a perfectionist, but also cares what I think is way to much about there social standing. My Aunt Betsy, 2nd cousin Jayda, cousin Josh, and his fiance (don't remember her name) are coming over tomorrow. So my Grandma wants to do all this baking, cleaning, reorganizing, and a whole bunch of other stuff, but she can't do it by herself and she doesn't want to admit it. I mean were not leaving her to do all the house work, we've done quite a bit. It's just she expects us to help her immediately every time we see her. She thinks that she doesn't have to ask for our help when she needs it. I don't know what she's thinking, but the point is that she shouldn't get angry at us because we didn't know that she needed help. My Mom got fed up with it when my Grandma started going on about how she must do everything and no one will ever help her, so she started yelling at Grandma. Later on when I actually saw Grandma at work I saw her struggling so I walked over to her and asked if she needed help. She then said to me that "If it's unwilling help then no." I was ticked off about this, but I instead tried to be calm and basically told her that there was no reason to get angry at me, because I didn't do anything, and that I willingly wanted to help. Then I talked to her about our thoughts of the situation. I think it helped her calm down a bit... but I don't know. How ever much she has weird logic and gets angry at us for not understanding it, I still love her. I love all my family, no matter what they say or do to me. But yeah... that's enough bitching about my family members for awhile I think. I hope anyways.... One more thing I wanted to talk about was Christmas. Man... it really snuck up on me this year. Usually by now, especially the day before, I'm really into the Christmas Spirit of things. This year though I don't really have any. I don't know what it is. Even after we got the decorations up and everything else I still have none. Maybe it's because of everything that's been going on or that my whole family is at each others throats every five seconds, but I guess I just have to deal with it. It really sucks though... Well I just hope I can enjoy tomorrow and at least be in Christmas Spirits by then. I need to get up really early tomorrow to get work done for the coming family members. So until tomorrow, ChibiSukie singing out!
Today wasn't one of the best days I've had. I had to get up early to go last minute Christmas shopping with Mom, which was fun, but everything else started to go down hill from there. Everyone is in a pissed off mood right now, especially Joseph(my brother) and my Grandma. Just in case you didn't know, my grandparent's live with my family. So Joseph's really angry about something again and I have no idea what about. He's been a total jerk to me and everyone else all day. I usually don't stand for someone yelling at me for no reason and/or taking there frustration's out on me, but I don't really care anymore... He has these mood swings that you can't predict and he takes out whatevers wrong on everyone around him. Just like a girls mood swings a bit. Lol. I'm not calling him a girl with that statement, I'm just saying.... I don't know about him.... but moving on... Grandma. She's all freaked out, because she wants everything perfect for tomorrow. She's one of those people that are not only a perfectionist, but also cares what I think is way to much about there social standing. My Aunt Betsy, 2nd cousin Jayda, cousin Josh, and his fiance (don't remember her name) are coming over tomorrow. So my Grandma wants to do all this baking, cleaning, reorganizing, and a whole bunch of other stuff, but she can't do it by herself and she doesn't want to admit it. I mean were not leaving her to do all the house work, we've done quite a bit. It's just she expects us to help her immediately every time we see her. She thinks that she doesn't have to ask for our help when she needs it. I don't know what she's thinking, but the point is that she shouldn't get angry at us because we didn't know that she needed help. My Mom got fed up with it when my Grandma started going on about how she must do everything and no one will ever help her, so she started yelling at Grandma. Later on when I actually saw Grandma at work I saw her struggling so I walked over to her and asked if she needed help. She then said to me that "If it's unwilling help then no." I was ticked off about this, but I instead tried to be calm and basically told her that there was no reason to get angry at me, because I didn't do anything, and that I willingly wanted to help. Then I talked to her about our thoughts of the situation. I think it helped her calm down a bit... but I don't know. How ever much she has weird logic and gets angry at us for not understanding it, I still love her. I love all my family, no matter what they say or do to me. But yeah... that's enough bitching about my family members for awhile I think. I hope anyways.... One more thing I wanted to talk about was Christmas. Man... it really snuck up on me this year. Usually by now, especially the day before, I'm really into the Christmas Spirit of things. This year though I don't really have any. I don't know what it is. Even after we got the decorations up and everything else I still have none. Maybe it's because of everything that's been going on or that my whole family is at each others throats every five seconds, but I guess I just have to deal with it. It really sucks though... Well I just hope I can enjoy tomorrow and at least be in Christmas Spirits by then. I need to get up really early tomorrow to get work done for the coming family members. So until tomorrow, ChibiSukie singing out!
Blog 1: Brief Outline
Hiya!
Blogs can be used for many reasons, but I've started this one to talk about my life. Hence the name... I suppose that I should start by giving some sort of introduction of a kind... but I'm not really in the mood. You'll either know what I'm talking about or you'll eventually figure it out if you even care, but hey, I may be in the mood tomorrow, the day after, or sometime in the near future to just talk about who I am, but today is not that day. Lately a lot of things have changed in the past 8 months. Some for the better. Some for the much greater worse. I'm not sure why it all started, but I know how it started. My Mom began to go back to school. It caused a lot of tension in our family and it brought out the ugly and what now seems like the really obvious things about everything. There not nearly as good as I had always thought.... At least now though I feel like my eyes are finally open. About the world, what I was hidden from, and a whole bunch of other crap. I finally understand so now I can break free from the control my Mom had and the one my Dad still has on me. I'm working on my Dad... He has the belief that if I'm kept in ignorance about the worse and questionable things in life that I will be protected from them. That's a load of bull if you ask me. I know what he does is because he thinks it's best and he cares, but I don't think it's right. If I never know about these certain things I'm more at risk of falling into it without even knowing what the hell I'm doing. If I know, I can avoid it. It gets so bad though at times that I have to keep secrets and watch what I say around him about my friends, what I do, and even about who I am in fear that he'll be angry at me or never let me be around or do things with my friends again. To give you an example... This summer my Explorers post was having a social at a water park/mini golf/arcade place. Well I really wanted to go, but I was afraid that my Dad wouldn't let me because it was a water park. I had always wanted to go to a water park ever sense I could remember. Every time I had asked to go though he would say no, because he said it was unhealthy and unclean. Well... I didn't think it was such a big deal so when I told my Dad about it I told him it was a mini golf/arcade place with other stuff. I told him the place so he could of looked it up at any point, plus the place was called Sun Splash... so I thought he had kind of put it together anyways... but he didn't. So I went and had tons of fun with my bff and other friends but when I got into the car when he picked me up I got it... that's for sure. He started going off on me about how horrible and sinful of a person I was and how immodest I was and that I didn't tell him because I wanted to be so immodest. When I told him that I thought it was because of health and that I wore my rather dorky really modest swim suit to try and be modest he told me that I was lying and that deep down inside my heart I knew that I was bad and I was doing it for that reason. WTF?!?!? He always tries to make me think what he wants me to or telling me what I'm thinking or saying is a complete lie so that he can win the argument. Well screw him then... I know what I'm saying and if he did catch me lying I would tell him. Well... anyways... because of me wearing my swim suit in public and not giving full facts I got grounded for a whole damn week... Which sucked.... Well I could rant on about a lot more of what my Dad has done, but I think that was a good enough example for now. There will be more later I'm sure... but for now I think I'm boring you. lol. So the good change was that I joined Explorers. Before I had joined I was so scared of being who I was and being able to say what I wanted to say, but being with friends and making new one's, and being a part of the community and interacting with it showed me that I could be who I wanted to be and that there would be someone out there who would like me for who I was. It hurts though because I feel like sometimes my family doesn't love me as much anymore. I'm not the little quite girl who always did what people told me too and always be happy and positive like they thought I was. Hell... I'm a little rebel. lol. but I know that my true self has major flaws and that there are things I need to work on, but I'm doing my best. And even if they don't appreciate me as much like this I have a wonderful bff Kathy and other friends who do. And they may not know everything about me yet, but that's because I'm scared. Every time I have opened myself up completely to someone I've always been burned and those scars aren't healing fast for me. When I get the courage though, even if they think I'm crazy or not, I'm going to tell them everything. And I hope and pray that they'll wait for me to catch up. Well... I think this post is long enough. ChibiSukie signing out!
Blogs can be used for many reasons, but I've started this one to talk about my life. Hence the name... I suppose that I should start by giving some sort of introduction of a kind... but I'm not really in the mood. You'll either know what I'm talking about or you'll eventually figure it out if you even care, but hey, I may be in the mood tomorrow, the day after, or sometime in the near future to just talk about who I am, but today is not that day. Lately a lot of things have changed in the past 8 months. Some for the better. Some for the much greater worse. I'm not sure why it all started, but I know how it started. My Mom began to go back to school. It caused a lot of tension in our family and it brought out the ugly and what now seems like the really obvious things about everything. There not nearly as good as I had always thought.... At least now though I feel like my eyes are finally open. About the world, what I was hidden from, and a whole bunch of other crap. I finally understand so now I can break free from the control my Mom had and the one my Dad still has on me. I'm working on my Dad... He has the belief that if I'm kept in ignorance about the worse and questionable things in life that I will be protected from them. That's a load of bull if you ask me. I know what he does is because he thinks it's best and he cares, but I don't think it's right. If I never know about these certain things I'm more at risk of falling into it without even knowing what the hell I'm doing. If I know, I can avoid it. It gets so bad though at times that I have to keep secrets and watch what I say around him about my friends, what I do, and even about who I am in fear that he'll be angry at me or never let me be around or do things with my friends again. To give you an example... This summer my Explorers post was having a social at a water park/mini golf/arcade place. Well I really wanted to go, but I was afraid that my Dad wouldn't let me because it was a water park. I had always wanted to go to a water park ever sense I could remember. Every time I had asked to go though he would say no, because he said it was unhealthy and unclean. Well... I didn't think it was such a big deal so when I told my Dad about it I told him it was a mini golf/arcade place with other stuff. I told him the place so he could of looked it up at any point, plus the place was called Sun Splash... so I thought he had kind of put it together anyways... but he didn't. So I went and had tons of fun with my bff and other friends but when I got into the car when he picked me up I got it... that's for sure. He started going off on me about how horrible and sinful of a person I was and how immodest I was and that I didn't tell him because I wanted to be so immodest. When I told him that I thought it was because of health and that I wore my rather dorky really modest swim suit to try and be modest he told me that I was lying and that deep down inside my heart I knew that I was bad and I was doing it for that reason. WTF?!?!? He always tries to make me think what he wants me to or telling me what I'm thinking or saying is a complete lie so that he can win the argument. Well screw him then... I know what I'm saying and if he did catch me lying I would tell him. Well... anyways... because of me wearing my swim suit in public and not giving full facts I got grounded for a whole damn week... Which sucked.... Well I could rant on about a lot more of what my Dad has done, but I think that was a good enough example for now. There will be more later I'm sure... but for now I think I'm boring you. lol. So the good change was that I joined Explorers. Before I had joined I was so scared of being who I was and being able to say what I wanted to say, but being with friends and making new one's, and being a part of the community and interacting with it showed me that I could be who I wanted to be and that there would be someone out there who would like me for who I was. It hurts though because I feel like sometimes my family doesn't love me as much anymore. I'm not the little quite girl who always did what people told me too and always be happy and positive like they thought I was. Hell... I'm a little rebel. lol. but I know that my true self has major flaws and that there are things I need to work on, but I'm doing my best. And even if they don't appreciate me as much like this I have a wonderful bff Kathy and other friends who do. And they may not know everything about me yet, but that's because I'm scared. Every time I have opened myself up completely to someone I've always been burned and those scars aren't healing fast for me. When I get the courage though, even if they think I'm crazy or not, I'm going to tell them everything. And I hope and pray that they'll wait for me to catch up. Well... I think this post is long enough. ChibiSukie signing out!
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