Blog 6 Part 1: Lost Love

Hey
So it's really early for me to be writing about my day sense its not over... So I'm going to write about it later tonight.... but something has been on my mind sense early this morning and I just kind of need to let out some steam... Before January this year I had the simple dream of actually doing all the school I needed to do and do it well, become a flutist, and marry the guy of my dreams. That was it and I tried my best to fulfill these dreams. But after January I lost it all. I became even less social and more shy and I was so depressed. It got to the point when I was so scared to sleep because I thought that no one would be there when I woke up and I would be left alone. I couldn't talk about this problem with anyone because I didn't want to worry them, so instead of trying to fix it I did all nighters at least every other night. Then by early March I was so sleep deprived that I almost went into a comatose state. I would sleep for 12 hours then be up for 3 then fall back asleep for another 6. At one point I actually think I slept for 20 hours straight. I hated it, because I felt I was hiding from the work and responsibility that I had and I was making my parents angry and worried. But in truth there was nothing I could do but sleep. After about 2 weeks of this I was finally was able to stay up for a decent amount of time and decided that the all nighters needed to stop no matter how I felt, but I was still hella down. Then around April I was able to talk to Kathy a lot more which helped a lot, then by June I was feeling much better and thats when I started Explorers. During that time though I had a lot of suicidal thoughts and to get away from them, yet ease the pain a bit, I was hurting myself. I don't think I ever cut myself, however appealing that was at the time, but I was doing stuff like beating the crud out of my leg or purposely over exerting my bad knees so I would whack them out and be laid up for awhile. It scared me... a lot. I didn't want to hurt myself to ease my pains and fears, but that was the only thing I could think of. I'm not at that point anymore... Thank God! but I was still never able to go back to how happy I was and be as inspired to do well in what I love. I never knew why and it bugged me... I mean I know part of it is what has been going on in my family and that I'm bummed out for my friends because there going through some really hard times right now, but there was a big part of the answer I could never figure out. I think I may have found out what it was though. Finally. I was up really late last night because I couldn't sleep, no matter how tired I was I just couldn't. Then I was startled right before I fell asleep and shot up in my bed and said, "Screw it. I'm going on the comp again." Then again suddenly I started crying and blurted out. "I miss _____!!!" I was really surprised that it suddenly came out like that and I thought I was over him, but I couldn't stop crying. Thats when it hit me. I was so depressed earlier this year and apparently still bummed out about not being able to see him sense then. I also think I was inspired by him to fulfill my goals. I wanted him to be proud of me for improving in flute and being able to actually say to him that I was doing well in school. I wanted to become a better person for him and no one else. I wanted to become less shy so that I could talk to him freely so he could know me for the real me. He liked me then though.... even though I was in my awkward part of my teenage years with no fashion sense to save my life and was a total dork he still talked to me and that mad me very happy. I wonder if I ever see him again if he would like me now. If he would even remember me... I don't know. I feel so stupid though.... It was just a young girls silly little crush right? I was just infatuated by him. It will mean nothing much when I go to collage and see the real world. As much as I tell myself that though it doesn't work. Every boy I've met sense has never made me feel the same way as he did. Is this love? Do I love him still after all this time? I just don't know anymore. He probably has a really sweet gf and is happy. I hope he's happy and well whatever he may be doing. It makes me feel better to picture him happy, yet I can't help but want to see him again. So badly. Just to see if I feel the same as I did. Even if we could just be friends again that would be good. Should I try to see him again? Should I even try? I know where to find him, but I'm afraid. Will it hurt more to see him again? I don't know!! I don't know anymore! I don't know if I just like him as a friend or actually do love him all I know is that I want to see him again and talk and to see him smile. I don't even know if he wants to see me or likes me anymore. I don't know what to do... I feel like trash because of it and because I'm a horrible person. I know why I dated my ex... I was lonely. I liked him a lot don't get me wrong, but not like that. I just used him to my own advantage. I'm such a sucky person no matter how you look at that. Thats the reason why I mostly broke up with him was because I couldn't live with the guilt of knowing what I was doing. I didn't want to play with his emotions like that. I am so sorry for it now and if I could I would go back in time and stop myself from doing it, but I can't. I have to live with my mistakes and learn. I have. I really have learned. Yet I still feel that I should have been hurt so badly in the end... I'm the most awful person I know. Screw ranting about my family. I'm the one that makes me the maddest!! I don't know what to do anymore or if I should even care at this point.... I don't know.... ChibiSukie signing out.