Blog 1: Brief Outline

Hiya!
Blogs can be used for many reasons, but I've started this one to talk about my life. Hence the name... I suppose that I should start by giving some sort of introduction of a kind... but I'm not really in the mood. You'll either know what I'm talking about or you'll eventually figure it out if you even care, but hey, I may be in the mood tomorrow, the day after, or sometime in the near future to just talk about who I am, but today is not that day. Lately a lot of things have changed in the past 8 months. Some for the better. Some for the much greater worse. I'm not sure why it all started, but I know how it started. My Mom began to go back to school. It caused a lot of tension in our family and it brought out the ugly and what now seems like the really obvious things about everything. There not nearly as good as I had always thought.... At least now though I feel like my eyes are finally open. About the world, what I was hidden from, and a whole bunch of other crap. I finally understand so now I can break free from the control my Mom had and the one my Dad still has on me. I'm working on my Dad... He has the belief that if I'm kept in ignorance about the worse and questionable things in life that I will be protected from them. That's a load of bull if you ask me. I know what he does is because he thinks it's best and he cares, but I don't think it's right. If I never know about these certain things I'm more at risk of falling into it without even knowing what the hell I'm doing. If I know, I can avoid it. It gets so bad though at times that I have to keep secrets and watch what I say around him about my friends, what I do, and even about who I am in fear that he'll be angry at me or never let me be around or do things with my friends again. To give you an example... This summer my Explorers post was having a social at a water park/mini golf/arcade place. Well I really wanted to go, but I was afraid that my Dad wouldn't let me because it was a water park. I had always wanted to go to a water park ever sense I could remember. Every time I had asked to go though he would say no, because he said it was unhealthy and unclean. Well... I didn't think it was such a big deal so when I told my Dad about it I told him it was a mini golf/arcade place with other stuff. I told him the place so he could of looked it up at any point, plus the place was called Sun Splash... so I thought he had kind of put it together anyways... but he didn't. So I went and had tons of fun with my bff and other friends but when I got into the car when he picked me up I got it... that's for sure. He started going off on me about how horrible and sinful of a person I was and how immodest I was and that I didn't tell him because I wanted to be so immodest. When I told him that I thought it was because of health and that I wore my rather dorky really modest swim suit to try and be modest he told me that I was lying and that deep down inside my heart I knew that I was bad and I was doing it for that reason. WTF?!?!? He always tries to make me think what he wants me to or telling me what I'm thinking or saying is a complete lie so that he can win the argument. Well screw him then... I know what I'm saying and if he did catch me lying I would tell him. Well... anyways... because of me wearing my swim suit in public and not giving full facts I got grounded for a whole damn week... Which sucked.... Well I could rant on about a lot more of what my Dad has done, but I think that was a good enough example for now. There will be more later I'm sure... but for now I think I'm boring you. lol. So the good change was that I joined Explorers. Before I had joined I was so scared of being who I was and being able to say what I wanted to say, but being with friends and making new one's, and being a part of the community and interacting with it showed me that I could be who I wanted to be and that there would be someone out there who would like me for who I was. It hurts though because I feel like sometimes my family doesn't love me as much anymore. I'm not the little quite girl who always did what people told me too and always be happy and positive like they thought I was. Hell... I'm a little rebel. lol. but I know that my true self has major flaws and that there are things I need to work on, but I'm doing my best. And even if they don't appreciate me as much like this I have a wonderful bff Kathy and other friends who do. And they may not know everything about me yet, but that's because I'm scared. Every time I have opened myself up completely to someone I've always been burned and those scars aren't healing fast for me. When I get the courage though, even if they think I'm crazy or not, I'm going to tell them everything. And I hope and pray that they'll wait for me to catch up. Well... I think this post is long enough. ChibiSukie signing out!