Tittle explains all....
So the day I hung out with Matt, which btw was a good visit ^^, my brain started functioning again and I realized I may of had a certain predicament on my hands... turns out... I do! Joy... -_- Which actually... my sarcasm bugs me with this topic. Cause my problem is really a wonderful thing. It makes me very happy =] but the situation and timing scares/stresses me out beyond belief. Especially with certain friends and family members. In a way though... I most likely deserve the treatment I may receive from it, though I really don't want it. I was playing with fire and I got burnt. That's that. Again... I'm actually excited, however most people would call it a HUGE mistake. I for one don't see it as one. Playing with fire as I said before, yes, but I will never regret it or call it a mistake. EVER. My life will never be what I fore saw it... kind of sort of... and there are things I may have to give up because of it, but still... in my mind it's all worth it. Only a couple people know about it right now... I want to tell everyone. Hell... broadcast it to the world. ^^ I'm scared too though... plus I can't. Things would go to crap if I did. -_- I do want to at least tell my friends though... but I'm worried they won't want to be there anymore. And forever will my name be mud. lol. To be honest... most the people I know if I told them and decided never to talk to me again I would be ok with it. I would also not care what they thought of me. There are a couple of people that concern me though. Also... I can't have rumors going around... that's also why I've been so secretive and not telling everyone and their Aunt Berta about it. I guess I shouldn't worry to much. Even if I wait they will decide to be friends with me or not. Their answer won't change. Might as well get it over with. lol. Man... I wish I didn't feel so insecure about myself right now. I hate it. I truly do. I haven't been like this since I was 13... and I vowed never to be again... and now here I am again. Ha... I guess people really don't change. *sigh*
I pray that things will be ok within the next year especially... but for the rest of my life too. lol.
Chibisukie signing out!
Thursday, July 15, 2010
Thursday, June 17, 2010
Blog 31: I Hope Babies Are Easier Than Puppies... Or At Least The Same.... -_-'
Cause tiny puppies are hard work!!!
Lol... Today I had to watch Wenry most of the day. It was ok... but she's high maintenance because she is so little, she eats everything she finds, and she's not house trained... (as I mentioned in the last blog.) So yeah... I'm tired now XP .... I hope kids aren't like this.... they're worse though I think. lol. I don't wanna have kids then!!!
I kid, I kid. X] I still want to have kids either way... it just makes me more weary. =P
Btw... no phone... go figure. I SHOULD be getting it tomorrow... but we'll see.
I should be getting my diploma from school tomorrow plus my graduation photo's... which I'm looking forward too. ^^ Hopefully all of them turned out ok though. Lastly... I'm going to be hanging out with Matt, which I really look forward too. =] He's a cool friend of mine. He's like my insane little brother XP Lol. He's very sweet though and I haven't hung out with him... since I think last year! That's not good =/ So yeah... If things go as planned tomorrow should be a good day.
Well... *yawn* I'm tired. I'm going to write more tomorrow.
ChibiSukie signing out!
Lol... Today I had to watch Wenry most of the day. It was ok... but she's high maintenance because she is so little, she eats everything she finds, and she's not house trained... (as I mentioned in the last blog.) So yeah... I'm tired now XP .... I hope kids aren't like this.... they're worse though I think. lol. I don't wanna have kids then!!!
I kid, I kid. X] I still want to have kids either way... it just makes me more weary. =P
Btw... no phone... go figure. I SHOULD be getting it tomorrow... but we'll see.
I should be getting my diploma from school tomorrow plus my graduation photo's... which I'm looking forward too. ^^ Hopefully all of them turned out ok though. Lastly... I'm going to be hanging out with Matt, which I really look forward too. =] He's a cool friend of mine. He's like my insane little brother XP Lol. He's very sweet though and I haven't hung out with him... since I think last year! That's not good =/ So yeah... If things go as planned tomorrow should be a good day.
Well... *yawn* I'm tired. I'm going to write more tomorrow.
ChibiSukie signing out!
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
Blog 30: Faux Pas...
.... I finally learned how to spell it! =D
Stupid french... lol. Seriously though... I couldn't figure it out and I never remembered to look it up until I read it in a book today XP
Life has been ok. Still kind of depressed because of recent/stressful events =/ and still don't have a phone >=/ I was even worse the past two days though, but my misadventures with Will and a couple new shirts plus book made me feel a bit better. So today I felt ok. ^^ Oh! Also Mom brought home a puppy! =D She saw a woman and her kid selling her for cheap on the side of the rode and Mom thought she was to cute so she got her. I think she's a shitzpoo (sp), but no one else thinks that... We definitely know though that she is part shitzu. She's cuuuute! <3 But gosh does she have an attitude. She's like a prima donna. lol. Sometimes it makes her even more adorable... others... it irks me a tad. XP We have to keep her in the house though, cause that's just the picky thing about her breed (which btw means if everyone dies from allergies because of her we're going to have to find her a new home =[)plus she's only seven weeks old. She's also not housed trained... which isn't fun... Joseph especially found out that goodness out on our way home from the vet's today when she was on his lap. XD It was funny as heck! Lol... Anywho... I should be getting my phone tomorrow morning... but we'll see... other than that life is going to be slow for now, unless something fun happens tomorrow... which I hope. =] I need my summer to pick up... I think it will though. I just have to get through certain things first.
Well... I'm going to get going. Because A) I'm really tired. B) I have to put my sheets on my bed, cause I had to wash them after I was stupid enough to put "precious" on my bed for 2 seconds... -_-' C) I want to get up at a decent time tomorrow so I can get my phone sooner =D ... Unless my Mom isn't home from her friends house yet... Crap... didn't think of that... Yeah... We'll definitely see about that phone then... Goodnight!
ChibiSukie signing out!
P.S.
I think I forgot to mention... the puppies name is Wenry. ^^ (Though Fay or Jessica would probably fit her personality more =P)
Stupid french... lol. Seriously though... I couldn't figure it out and I never remembered to look it up until I read it in a book today XP
Life has been ok. Still kind of depressed because of recent/stressful events =/ and still don't have a phone >=/ I was even worse the past two days though, but my misadventures with Will and a couple new shirts plus book made me feel a bit better. So today I felt ok. ^^ Oh! Also Mom brought home a puppy! =D She saw a woman and her kid selling her for cheap on the side of the rode and Mom thought she was to cute so she got her. I think she's a shitzpoo (sp), but no one else thinks that... We definitely know though that she is part shitzu. She's cuuuute! <3 But gosh does she have an attitude. She's like a prima donna. lol. Sometimes it makes her even more adorable... others... it irks me a tad. XP We have to keep her in the house though, cause that's just the picky thing about her breed (which btw means if everyone dies from allergies because of her we're going to have to find her a new home =[)plus she's only seven weeks old. She's also not housed trained... which isn't fun... Joseph especially found out that goodness out on our way home from the vet's today when she was on his lap. XD It was funny as heck! Lol... Anywho... I should be getting my phone tomorrow morning... but we'll see... other than that life is going to be slow for now, unless something fun happens tomorrow... which I hope. =] I need my summer to pick up... I think it will though. I just have to get through certain things first.
Well... I'm going to get going. Because A) I'm really tired. B) I have to put my sheets on my bed, cause I had to wash them after I was stupid enough to put "precious" on my bed for 2 seconds... -_-' C) I want to get up at a decent time tomorrow so I can get my phone sooner =D ... Unless my Mom isn't home from her friends house yet... Crap... didn't think of that... Yeah... We'll definitely see about that phone then... Goodnight!
ChibiSukie signing out!
P.S.
I think I forgot to mention... the puppies name is Wenry. ^^ (Though Fay or Jessica would probably fit her personality more =P)
Friday, June 11, 2010
Blog 29: Gibber Gabber
Hello ~
So... I'm doing better than I was last week... obviously. I found my answer about William... we're staying together. I'm not sure if we'll last... =[ but I'm going to try my best to get over things and become strong again so long as he does his. If our best works out... we'll stay together. If not... I guess were not meant for each other. I also realized this is my life. I can continue or back away from anything I start. I'm not trapped unless I choose to be. Now... I can look like a heartless jerk in certain situations if I choose to back out though... especially when I said I wouldn't and I do for no reason... but I'm not like that and wouldn't do it... so I think I'll be okie dokie. =]
I'm hoping to get a cell phone today (since my previous phone got shut off by mistake by my mother...) It's only been a little over a month without one. T-T It wouldn't be so bad, but after my phone gave out I realized none of our house phones work... So basically I've been stuck without a phone period for that long. Last week I got my Mom's old "pay as you go" phone, which at first I thought was cool. They charge you 25 cents per minute and 20 cents per text though!!! You know how quickly that adds up if you don't pay attention?!?!? -_-' It's a total rip off. I shouldn't be without a phone for this long to begin with though... My mom ordered the phone three times from the company and they never sent it! Finally she just canceled it and we're going to a store to buy one. I can't believe them though. They have awful service and they are beginning to frustrate me beyond belief.
SCREW YOU AT&T!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
*sigh* Ok... I feel better now. Hahaha.... XD Whenever I move out though or my parents decide to switch phone companies I want Verizon. The whole "can't receive texts or calls while surfing the web" thing does suck.... but at this point... it's worth the better service. Plus I don't usually get online with my phone anyway... unless I need to.
So yeah... other than that life is a bit boring right now. It's summer!!! And I'm no longer a high school student!!! =D but other than that nothing really. I wanted to make this summer the best out of all of them. To get together with all of my friends and have fun, spend lots of time with Will since this is our last summer together until he leaves for basic, go to the beach A LOT, go to Marine World, get my drivers permit, and generally have the time of my life. So far though... it's been drama filled and me sitting on my butt doing nothing. I have gone to the beach with friends =] but I also want to go there during the day too... no matter how fun it is to try and find drift wood to burn in the middle of the night and stubbing your toes on it cause you can't see X]I've really started to realize since last year that life moves by fast. Opportunities and good times fly by like shooting stars. I want to look back on my life 20... 30 years from now and not regret missing out on anything. I want to have fun and happy memories. Things that way out all the crap of life ten fold. I want to smile and laugh when I tell my great-grandchildren about my "crazy youth". XD I think I'm starting to talk and think like an old person... lol. It's just I know life's not all fun and games and times like these won't happen all the time. So when I can... I'm going to take complete advantage of them. I'm going to live life to the fullest!!!... not stupidly... yeah. Summer's just started though... so I'm not to worried about breaking my streak of nothingness X] Either way I'm sure this summer will be amazing.
Well... enough gibber gabber from little old me. XP I'm going to find me a snackers. ^^
<3
ChibiSukie signing out!
So... I'm doing better than I was last week... obviously. I found my answer about William... we're staying together. I'm not sure if we'll last... =[ but I'm going to try my best to get over things and become strong again so long as he does his. If our best works out... we'll stay together. If not... I guess were not meant for each other. I also realized this is my life. I can continue or back away from anything I start. I'm not trapped unless I choose to be. Now... I can look like a heartless jerk in certain situations if I choose to back out though... especially when I said I wouldn't and I do for no reason... but I'm not like that and wouldn't do it... so I think I'll be okie dokie. =]
I'm hoping to get a cell phone today (since my previous phone got shut off by mistake by my mother...) It's only been a little over a month without one. T-T It wouldn't be so bad, but after my phone gave out I realized none of our house phones work... So basically I've been stuck without a phone period for that long. Last week I got my Mom's old "pay as you go" phone, which at first I thought was cool. They charge you 25 cents per minute and 20 cents per text though!!! You know how quickly that adds up if you don't pay attention?!?!? -_-' It's a total rip off. I shouldn't be without a phone for this long to begin with though... My mom ordered the phone three times from the company and they never sent it! Finally she just canceled it and we're going to a store to buy one. I can't believe them though. They have awful service and they are beginning to frustrate me beyond belief.
SCREW YOU AT&T!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
*sigh* Ok... I feel better now. Hahaha.... XD Whenever I move out though or my parents decide to switch phone companies I want Verizon. The whole "can't receive texts or calls while surfing the web" thing does suck.... but at this point... it's worth the better service. Plus I don't usually get online with my phone anyway... unless I need to.
So yeah... other than that life is a bit boring right now. It's summer!!! And I'm no longer a high school student!!! =D but other than that nothing really. I wanted to make this summer the best out of all of them. To get together with all of my friends and have fun, spend lots of time with Will since this is our last summer together until he leaves for basic, go to the beach A LOT, go to Marine World, get my drivers permit, and generally have the time of my life. So far though... it's been drama filled and me sitting on my butt doing nothing. I have gone to the beach with friends =] but I also want to go there during the day too... no matter how fun it is to try and find drift wood to burn in the middle of the night and stubbing your toes on it cause you can't see X]I've really started to realize since last year that life moves by fast. Opportunities and good times fly by like shooting stars. I want to look back on my life 20... 30 years from now and not regret missing out on anything. I want to have fun and happy memories. Things that way out all the crap of life ten fold. I want to smile and laugh when I tell my great-grandchildren about my "crazy youth". XD I think I'm starting to talk and think like an old person... lol. It's just I know life's not all fun and games and times like these won't happen all the time. So when I can... I'm going to take complete advantage of them. I'm going to live life to the fullest!!!... not stupidly... yeah. Summer's just started though... so I'm not to worried about breaking my streak of nothingness X] Either way I'm sure this summer will be amazing.
Well... enough gibber gabber from little old me. XP I'm going to find me a snackers. ^^
<3
ChibiSukie signing out!
Saturday, June 5, 2010
Blog 28: Life Goes On
... and so I sit here eating chocolate.
Haha... XD
I feel better today. Though I still don't have an answer. I'm hoping to figure things out tonight or tomorrow. We'll just have to wait and see though. ><
I don't really have much to say cause my life is pretty boring at the moment... It's either I don't want to talk about it, or there is nothing to talk about. So yeah... life goes on. Yay... If anything fascinating happens I'll write again tonight.
Other than that,
ChibiSukie signing out.
Haha... XD
I feel better today. Though I still don't have an answer. I'm hoping to figure things out tonight or tomorrow. We'll just have to wait and see though. ><
I don't really have much to say cause my life is pretty boring at the moment... It's either I don't want to talk about it, or there is nothing to talk about. So yeah... life goes on. Yay... If anything fascinating happens I'll write again tonight.
Other than that,
ChibiSukie signing out.
Friday, June 4, 2010
Blog 27: Completely Hopeless
Oi
So I have to be quick because I'm getting ready for Sober Grad tonight. I'll write a longer one tomorrow. So life goes on as normal except for one thing. Will and I. I don't want to get into any details of the situation, but we are basically at breaking point. Which is hard for both of us, but my problem with it is that I've been hurt and I have to make the choice. I have to choose whether we stay together or go our separate ways... I DON'T WANT THAT CHOICE! T-T I love him... I really do. He's everything to me. Not trying to say my friends aren't or anything but yeah. My brain has been telling me to run though... It's the logical thing to do, everything else about me wants me to stay though. Basically I'm two sides right now trying to figure this out. Gosh... at this rate I'm going to develop multiple personalities... Which would be kind of cool in a way, but I know that can cause a lot of crap... crap you don't want to have happen.... ANYWHO! I don't know what to do anymore. I'm stuck with a life changing choice that I don't want to make and I'm scared. Scared to pieces... I'm scared I'll make the wrong choice. By making that wrong choice I'll screw myself over even more. And again... I love him. I don't want to hurt him... but I have to make this choice for me. He wants us to still be together and he says that he will do everything in his power to make things right, but will that be enough? Will it someday be ok again? Will I be able to be the same? I don't know. And I have to make all these choices with what if's! I also have to make this choice by Monday... I'm thinking only two options. A) We stay together, but he's on trial. If he makes one more mistake were done. B) We break up and still be friends ( I couldn't never talk to him again! He would still have to be in my life somehow. *sigh* In most ways he's perfect... others he's a complete freaking nightmare. -_- So yeah. I'm lost dazed and confused. I'm completely hopeless in this situation. It helped to rant about it though. grrrr... *sigh* Well... I've gtg.
ChibiSukie signing out!
So I have to be quick because I'm getting ready for Sober Grad tonight. I'll write a longer one tomorrow. So life goes on as normal except for one thing. Will and I. I don't want to get into any details of the situation, but we are basically at breaking point. Which is hard for both of us, but my problem with it is that I've been hurt and I have to make the choice. I have to choose whether we stay together or go our separate ways... I DON'T WANT THAT CHOICE! T-T I love him... I really do. He's everything to me. Not trying to say my friends aren't or anything but yeah. My brain has been telling me to run though... It's the logical thing to do, everything else about me wants me to stay though. Basically I'm two sides right now trying to figure this out. Gosh... at this rate I'm going to develop multiple personalities... Which would be kind of cool in a way, but I know that can cause a lot of crap... crap you don't want to have happen.... ANYWHO! I don't know what to do anymore. I'm stuck with a life changing choice that I don't want to make and I'm scared. Scared to pieces... I'm scared I'll make the wrong choice. By making that wrong choice I'll screw myself over even more. And again... I love him. I don't want to hurt him... but I have to make this choice for me. He wants us to still be together and he says that he will do everything in his power to make things right, but will that be enough? Will it someday be ok again? Will I be able to be the same? I don't know. And I have to make all these choices with what if's! I also have to make this choice by Monday... I'm thinking only two options. A) We stay together, but he's on trial. If he makes one more mistake were done. B) We break up and still be friends ( I couldn't never talk to him again! He would still have to be in my life somehow. *sigh* In most ways he's perfect... others he's a complete freaking nightmare. -_- So yeah. I'm lost dazed and confused. I'm completely hopeless in this situation. It helped to rant about it though. grrrr... *sigh* Well... I've gtg.
ChibiSukie signing out!
Thursday, May 27, 2010
Blog 26: Final Chapter of Book One???
Hello
This ones going to be a short entry. I was trying to think of a way to stay awake because Will's going to be here in a half hour or so and suddenly I had the urge to write. So yeah. =] I'm graduating tomorrow. It's exciting, yet scary in a way. Exciting... cause heck. HIGH SCHOOL GRADUATION!!! I don't HAVE to go to school anymore! =D (I'm still going to of course -_-, but I don't HAVE to) Scary cause I'm like... sort of a sudo adult now. The choices I make from here on out are going to affect my entire life. I can't rely on my parents to make my decisions anymore (nor do I want to) I'm building my own life from here on out. That's whats exciting about it too in way. I'm afraid of screwing up. Well... I don't have any MAJOR choices to make yet. I'm going to collage... and I'm not in a hurry to get a career or anything, so I'm going to take my time with general ed. for now. My parents are going to pay for it and they're not going to just kick me out when I turn eighteen or anything... So no worries there. I'm more worried about decisions I'm going to have to make six months from now...a year from now... I don't want to be rash... which I have a tendency of doing sometimes =P I want to be sure of ever decision I make... which I'm afraid I won't be... I guess I'll just have to hope and see. As long as I keep a cool head and think things through I think I'll be ok. I'm also happy about it though. About my future and everything. I want to know how everyone will be in five, ten years; especially myself. How will I change? Will I change? Will I still be acting like a seventeen-year-old girl when I'm thirty? XP Will I be married? Will I have kids? If so, how many? I feel like I just finished reading the first book of a series and that I'm waiting anxiously for the sequel. My life as a book... Haha! That would possibly be interesting... but probably be pretty boring. X]
Well... I've gtg. William came in and surprised me. XD
ChibiSukie signing out!
This ones going to be a short entry. I was trying to think of a way to stay awake because Will's going to be here in a half hour or so and suddenly I had the urge to write. So yeah. =] I'm graduating tomorrow. It's exciting, yet scary in a way. Exciting... cause heck. HIGH SCHOOL GRADUATION!!! I don't HAVE to go to school anymore! =D (I'm still going to of course -_-, but I don't HAVE to) Scary cause I'm like... sort of a sudo adult now. The choices I make from here on out are going to affect my entire life. I can't rely on my parents to make my decisions anymore (nor do I want to) I'm building my own life from here on out. That's whats exciting about it too in way. I'm afraid of screwing up. Well... I don't have any MAJOR choices to make yet. I'm going to collage... and I'm not in a hurry to get a career or anything, so I'm going to take my time with general ed. for now. My parents are going to pay for it and they're not going to just kick me out when I turn eighteen or anything... So no worries there. I'm more worried about decisions I'm going to have to make six months from now...a year from now... I don't want to be rash... which I have a tendency of doing sometimes =P I want to be sure of ever decision I make... which I'm afraid I won't be... I guess I'll just have to hope and see. As long as I keep a cool head and think things through I think I'll be ok. I'm also happy about it though. About my future and everything. I want to know how everyone will be in five, ten years; especially myself. How will I change? Will I change? Will I still be acting like a seventeen-year-old girl when I'm thirty? XP Will I be married? Will I have kids? If so, how many? I feel like I just finished reading the first book of a series and that I'm waiting anxiously for the sequel. My life as a book... Haha! That would possibly be interesting... but probably be pretty boring. X]
Well... I've gtg. William came in and surprised me. XD
ChibiSukie signing out!
Monday, May 24, 2010
Blog 25: Holding On And Searching For A Solution
I just dropped my Zune... it hurt.
Lol.
So I visited my regular sites first before coming here and started blasting Blue October hoping it would improve my mood. It did =] I still kind of feel like crap though. Now... I'm not sure if it's because of the past week here at home or it was the book I read today. Around 9am I started the book Crank by Ellan Hopkins and finished around 3pm. Great book... it was one great big poem... but it was good. It was a book that gave you a very different side of life though... unless you've been on that side of course. It was also kind of depressing. It's about how this girl gets hooked on meth and her life goes from bad to worse. Whats really bad about the book though is not only is it based on a true story it's based on the authors daughter... So the Mother in the story is actually her. Or based on her for that matter. So yeah... I slowly felt my spirits dropped the farther I got into it. lol. Anyway... great book. Not a good one to read in one sitting though and when your not in a great mood to begin with. -_-
Now the problem with here at home from the past week... I got into a tad yesterday, but today I felt not just that... but my family is beginning to drive me nuts. Again I love them dearly... but I can't really stand to be around them for long periods of time. Well Mom just came back from her friends house which is nice... sometimes though she just... doesn't listen really. You say something and she turns it around in a way that makes it as negative as possible. It's not a bad things I guess... but when your trying to explain something that isn't like that in the least it gets hard. She is such a worry wort X] She also doesn't flat out listen to you sometimes though... -_- Which again... is hard. She really hasn't been the problem though. It's mostly my dad and brother. Dad is going from bad to worse. Not the worst he's been before... Thank goodness... but it's getting bad. It's to the point where you can't even talk for too long without spurring an argument because you say something that he semi doesn't like and he goes on and on about how horrible it is and people who think it's not are horrible too... even when the thing he's ranting about isn't really what you said... Then the brother. To be blunt... he's been an asshole the entire week. He's usually great, also the only family member I can talk freely to about everything. Now though... he's going back to his worst again too.... He's always online. Hardly eats, hardly sleeps. I know he's stressed about something... not going to get into what... but I think there's something else. It could because his EMT class ended too. I'm not sure, but I'm worried about him. When he gets this way he ends up hurting himself because he holds it all in and doesn't talk about it... frankly he doesn't usually talk to anyone period. It scares me. I hope he goes back to normal or that I can at least figure out how to fix whats wrong. =[ So yeah... I'm feeling trapped and I have a family that's just waring on me... physically and mentally... *sigh* I would rather deal with a friends drama about her ex-boyfriend and her being stupid -_-' I at least don't fall into depression myself because of that... I feel myself hanging on a thin line. From just yelling and screaming at everyone or everything I see. Or just balling my eyes out and not coming out of my room for three days... Both bad... but I'm getting close to that point. That worries me too. I think what doesn't help also is once I'm home everyone I love, beside my family, is so far away. There is my friend Matt that lives only two miles down the road... but I don't see him often; plus he's going through some really bad family problems so I'm not going to bug him too much... There's Alex and Abi... but they live like a thirty minute drive from here. And for parents that won't drive me much anymore (except for important stuff and Will's house occasionally... a lot lately until this week though =]) it's kind of hard to get there. Btw... yes I don't drive. Phopa on my part, but moving on. So basically when I am home... I'm trapped. Especially with having no school for awhile now... I know things will get better since worst comes to worst when I start collage next semester... but a couple weeks after I start school Will's going to leave for the Navy. So then I'm going to be depressed about that. I just can't win =[ Haha... So yeah. I don't know how to handle myself nor my family. All I can do I guess is try my best and to keep my spirits high. *sigh* That sounds hard. -_- Well... I'm going to go now. The new Red Vs. Blue episode is coming out soon, plus I have nothing else to write. =P If I do later though I'll post a part two. Either way will write tomorrow.
ChibiSukie signing out!
Lol.
So I visited my regular sites first before coming here and started blasting Blue October hoping it would improve my mood. It did =] I still kind of feel like crap though. Now... I'm not sure if it's because of the past week here at home or it was the book I read today. Around 9am I started the book Crank by Ellan Hopkins and finished around 3pm. Great book... it was one great big poem... but it was good. It was a book that gave you a very different side of life though... unless you've been on that side of course. It was also kind of depressing. It's about how this girl gets hooked on meth and her life goes from bad to worse. Whats really bad about the book though is not only is it based on a true story it's based on the authors daughter... So the Mother in the story is actually her. Or based on her for that matter. So yeah... I slowly felt my spirits dropped the farther I got into it. lol. Anyway... great book. Not a good one to read in one sitting though and when your not in a great mood to begin with. -_-
Now the problem with here at home from the past week... I got into a tad yesterday, but today I felt not just that... but my family is beginning to drive me nuts. Again I love them dearly... but I can't really stand to be around them for long periods of time. Well Mom just came back from her friends house which is nice... sometimes though she just... doesn't listen really. You say something and she turns it around in a way that makes it as negative as possible. It's not a bad things I guess... but when your trying to explain something that isn't like that in the least it gets hard. She is such a worry wort X] She also doesn't flat out listen to you sometimes though... -_- Which again... is hard. She really hasn't been the problem though. It's mostly my dad and brother. Dad is going from bad to worse. Not the worst he's been before... Thank goodness... but it's getting bad. It's to the point where you can't even talk for too long without spurring an argument because you say something that he semi doesn't like and he goes on and on about how horrible it is and people who think it's not are horrible too... even when the thing he's ranting about isn't really what you said... Then the brother. To be blunt... he's been an asshole the entire week. He's usually great, also the only family member I can talk freely to about everything. Now though... he's going back to his worst again too.... He's always online. Hardly eats, hardly sleeps. I know he's stressed about something... not going to get into what... but I think there's something else. It could because his EMT class ended too. I'm not sure, but I'm worried about him. When he gets this way he ends up hurting himself because he holds it all in and doesn't talk about it... frankly he doesn't usually talk to anyone period. It scares me. I hope he goes back to normal or that I can at least figure out how to fix whats wrong. =[ So yeah... I'm feeling trapped and I have a family that's just waring on me... physically and mentally... *sigh* I would rather deal with a friends drama about her ex-boyfriend and her being stupid -_-' I at least don't fall into depression myself because of that... I feel myself hanging on a thin line. From just yelling and screaming at everyone or everything I see. Or just balling my eyes out and not coming out of my room for three days... Both bad... but I'm getting close to that point. That worries me too. I think what doesn't help also is once I'm home everyone I love, beside my family, is so far away. There is my friend Matt that lives only two miles down the road... but I don't see him often; plus he's going through some really bad family problems so I'm not going to bug him too much... There's Alex and Abi... but they live like a thirty minute drive from here. And for parents that won't drive me much anymore (except for important stuff and Will's house occasionally... a lot lately until this week though =]) it's kind of hard to get there. Btw... yes I don't drive. Phopa on my part, but moving on. So basically when I am home... I'm trapped. Especially with having no school for awhile now... I know things will get better since worst comes to worst when I start collage next semester... but a couple weeks after I start school Will's going to leave for the Navy. So then I'm going to be depressed about that. I just can't win =[ Haha... So yeah. I don't know how to handle myself nor my family. All I can do I guess is try my best and to keep my spirits high. *sigh* That sounds hard. -_- Well... I'm going to go now. The new Red Vs. Blue episode is coming out soon, plus I have nothing else to write. =P If I do later though I'll post a part two. Either way will write tomorrow.
ChibiSukie signing out!
Sunday, May 23, 2010
Blog 24: So The Writing Continues
Ello
Abi said I should write, so hear I am! Also... for the past month I've been thinking about it and frankly, I miss writing on here.
So life goes on as usual... in the good/bad kind of way. I'm happy with my life as a whole, but every time I'm home or around my family I feel cloistered. Trapped. Like there's nothing I can do or anywhere I can go. It's very strange. I love my family (sometimes =P), but I feel I'm becoming more and more distant. Like I'm preferring a life away from them. Not like in a "I hate my parents of course I prefer a life without them" type of thing. More like "I want to go out into the world and make my own life and find my own way." type thing. I'm not really sure what any of that means though.
Anyway, on to a more happy topic. I'm in a fairly good mood and I would like to stay that way. =] I was looking through an old blog on here earlier, it was Blog 17 Part 1, and I read through the dream I had had the night before. I remember it clearly now funny enough and since it's been so long I see certain things that I didn't notice before. First off... when he punches the wall... total Kyo* moment. Lol. Next, I say that he, "stared into my eyes with his own clear blue eyes." The guy I was sorta kind of dreaming about and who I thought for sure it was didn't have blue eyes. He had brown. So I really was just wanting to be with a guy period... that's sad... Also, I think I was either writing and/or reading to many love stories. That's what inspired this dream. I have to admit though... I didn't really remember the dream in detail until after I read it again so it was kind of like reading a story I had only heard vaguely about... The story did keep me on my toes. It was fascinating sort of. Now I could have wrote the story of that dream WAY better, but the story of the dream itself should be made into a classic. ;P Ha! Finally, funny/scary thing about it. Some of those romantic moments I had in the dream has actually happened with Will and I. I mean... they weren't exact, but they were pretty close. What really struck me the most was the first kiss scene... It didn't happen like that of course. We were in a movie theater not by a church =P And my Dad didn't see... that's for certain... but the feeling of being lost. Being worried yet wanting it so much. Just going with it in a fluid motion like I'd done it so many times before. Oh... and the fireworks. I may sound ridiculous and corny for saying this... but there are definitely fireworks with that first kiss. So yeah... haha... has there ever been an awkward moment in a blog? Cause suddenly I'm feeling it. I am so weird. X]
I don't really have anything else insightful to say (if what I talked about in this blog was insightful... which I doubt) So I'm going to get going. Well... goodnight.
ChibiSukie signing out!
*Character from the Manga/Anime Fruits Basket.
Abi said I should write, so hear I am! Also... for the past month I've been thinking about it and frankly, I miss writing on here.
So life goes on as usual... in the good/bad kind of way. I'm happy with my life as a whole, but every time I'm home or around my family I feel cloistered. Trapped. Like there's nothing I can do or anywhere I can go. It's very strange. I love my family (sometimes =P), but I feel I'm becoming more and more distant. Like I'm preferring a life away from them. Not like in a "I hate my parents of course I prefer a life without them" type of thing. More like "I want to go out into the world and make my own life and find my own way." type thing. I'm not really sure what any of that means though.
Anyway, on to a more happy topic. I'm in a fairly good mood and I would like to stay that way. =] I was looking through an old blog on here earlier, it was Blog 17 Part 1, and I read through the dream I had had the night before. I remember it clearly now funny enough and since it's been so long I see certain things that I didn't notice before. First off... when he punches the wall... total Kyo* moment. Lol. Next, I say that he, "stared into my eyes with his own clear blue eyes." The guy I was sorta kind of dreaming about and who I thought for sure it was didn't have blue eyes. He had brown. So I really was just wanting to be with a guy period... that's sad... Also, I think I was either writing and/or reading to many love stories. That's what inspired this dream. I have to admit though... I didn't really remember the dream in detail until after I read it again so it was kind of like reading a story I had only heard vaguely about... The story did keep me on my toes. It was fascinating sort of. Now I could have wrote the story of that dream WAY better, but the story of the dream itself should be made into a classic. ;P Ha! Finally, funny/scary thing about it. Some of those romantic moments I had in the dream has actually happened with Will and I. I mean... they weren't exact, but they were pretty close. What really struck me the most was the first kiss scene... It didn't happen like that of course. We were in a movie theater not by a church =P And my Dad didn't see... that's for certain... but the feeling of being lost. Being worried yet wanting it so much. Just going with it in a fluid motion like I'd done it so many times before. Oh... and the fireworks. I may sound ridiculous and corny for saying this... but there are definitely fireworks with that first kiss. So yeah... haha... has there ever been an awkward moment in a blog? Cause suddenly I'm feeling it. I am so weird. X]
I don't really have anything else insightful to say (if what I talked about in this blog was insightful... which I doubt) So I'm going to get going. Well... goodnight.
ChibiSukie signing out!
*Character from the Manga/Anime Fruits Basket.
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
Blog 23: A Year Later
Um... Hi. lol. It's been awhile. I stopped writing because I felt I had nothing left to say. That I had nothing to write about to began with. No one will probably ever see this post, but I figured I would write it. Not because I have nothing better to do, but because of sentimental values. So in the end things worked out. I'm healthy. I went through treatment and I'm doing better. My voice came back. It's not the same nor will it ever be the same again, but it's back and I'm grateful for it. It was something that bummed me out though... wanting to pursue a music career and all... but I got over it. I have the voice I have. Even if it does suck (in my opinion) so long as I have good lyrics and good music to go with it I still have hope for my dream. I won't give up. With everything that happened during the months I wrote here, after, and till now even I've learned a lot about life and about myself. I've learned to never give up. To strive for the very top. I can make it if I want to. If I put my mind to it, I can get what I want. I guess I've just gained self confidence. I've also learned patients and love. Understanding and gratefulness. To enjoy the little things in life. I know that sounds corny... -_-' and I hate to put it in a way that makes me sound like some type of love novelist or pacifist. It's all true though. I can't think of any other way to explain it other than to be blunt. I found that I have real friends out there. Something I thought would never happen. They taught me that potatoes should be shared amongst each other, not shoveled onto one person and left there. I still have issues talking about my personal problems and being completely open to them, but I'm learning and improving. I've also had a great guy stand beside me. All this time and he's still with me. Something I also thought would never happen... especially with a guy I found a 100 miles away on the internet. =P There were those times of course. When we fought and were distant. When we were unsure and frightened. Tears, pain, and all that relationship drama good stuff. We've worked through it though. All of it so far, and were still together. He's always there for me. When I'm sick he'll take care of me (no matter how much I don't want the treatment or to take the medicine -_-) When I'm sad he'll make me smile. When I'm cold, he'll keep me warm. When I'm lost he'll always bring me back. Whenever I'm around him and I see him smile at me the only thing that I can think is, "I love him" or "He's so perfect." Now before you come to conclusions... I'm not deranged nor fogged in my insight of him. He has his flaws. As do I. When I see him happy though, and especially if that happiness is caused by me somehow, I feel that all those little flaws melt away. In the big picture they don't matter. Sure, they're things I have to address now and again. They're worth dealing with though, as he puts up with mine. And when I say this trust me, he has more to deal with than I do. Some of the people in my life don't like or agree with us being together (a.k.a not immediate family... and my Dad.) I don't care what they think though. As my mother says, "It's my happiness that matters most." And I hope things last between us two, for a very long time... Anywho... I didn't start writing here though so you could read an entry of a teenaged-girls-unrequited-love-for-her-boyfriend mush. =P There is one thing I want to say in this entry and it's this. I've changed... it's as simple as that. I'm the same person, but I feel more polished. Cut and edged to catch the light more. And why I say that is because I've learned to look at the brighter side of things. The rain sucks, but if you look farther out you'll see the sun and the rain will seem to pass much faster. Metaphorical life rain... not actual rain. I love rain. Lol. Well I got really corny and metaphorical with this blog post which I don't think is usually my thing (at least I hope not the corny part -_-) but I think I got my points across. It's been a whole year. I'm a year older and frankly, I feel it.
I'm not sure if I'll write here again. I don't feel the urge to write out my feelings so much anymore. Plus I don't think anyone wants to read any of this crap. =P If I'm wrong and there is someone out there that reads this. Let me know. Comment. E-mail me. If you find some comfort, joy, interest, in hearing about my life than tell me. I won't write unless I get someone to say something. I know I'm probably talking to air right now =P If I'm not. Prove me wrong. If you do, I'll keep writing. Also, I'm tired of hiding. I'm also to scared to tell everyone about everything myself -_- If your one of the none, but maybe few, people who read this let everyone know. Why not? Maybe a friend of yours has nothing better to do and would like to read something like this. Idk... but yeah. I'll just write to myself from now if the need arises unless someone out there actually wants to read this. So let me know and I'll keep writing this blog.
Well... Chibisukie signing off!
I'm not sure if I'll write here again. I don't feel the urge to write out my feelings so much anymore. Plus I don't think anyone wants to read any of this crap. =P If I'm wrong and there is someone out there that reads this. Let me know. Comment. E-mail me. If you find some comfort, joy, interest, in hearing about my life than tell me. I won't write unless I get someone to say something. I know I'm probably talking to air right now =P If I'm not. Prove me wrong. If you do, I'll keep writing. Also, I'm tired of hiding. I'm also to scared to tell everyone about everything myself -_- If your one of the none, but maybe few, people who read this let everyone know. Why not? Maybe a friend of yours has nothing better to do and would like to read something like this. Idk... but yeah. I'll just write to myself from now if the need arises unless someone out there actually wants to read this. So let me know and I'll keep writing this blog.
Well... Chibisukie signing off!
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