....
I just don't know what to do anymore. I can't... I just can't pretend that everything is 100% okie dokie all the time. I can only do so much. What I said yesterday in my last post is true. What happened doesn't bother me really anymore. It's just the currant problem bothers me greatly. To be completely honest... I'm scared. I mean like one mistake and I could end up breathing something really bad in or ripping my vocal cord or choking or something and that's a scary thing. I feel like I have to keep a 24/7 on the dial watch and be observant of everything I do and what my neck is doing at that moment or I'll die. Makes it a little hard not to think about... -_-' I mean I can't even sleep at night well cause I feel I have to get in the most perfect position before I fall asleep or I'll kill myself in my sleep. I don't like that. I just want to relax. I'm home now and the surgery is over. I should have less worries rather then more... Then also today reality hit me on the head with a hammer. No vocal cords means no voice. No voice definitely means no singing... =[ Which absolutely sucks big time. Thinking about it though I mean they'll come back over time and everything will be ok... but then I started thinking more and realized that what if my voice doesn't come back the same? What if I accidentally damage them during the healing processes and my singing will suck? Will I still have the same tone and range? Will I be able to sing any of my songs again? Will I be able to sing any of them to Will? And that's when I started crying. I've never sung any of the songs I've written to Will before... even the one I wrote for us! I wanted him to hear me in person... I'm an idiot... If I would have known that what happened was going to happen I would have sung them to him. I would have sung all my songs until I didn't have a voice. I miss singing so much! T-T That is the hardest part about this for me right now. I always sang... humming while doing chores to belting out my favorite piece I would pretty much sing all day everyday. Now that's gone... and I'm not sure of when I'll get it back... if at all. The doctors said that they have really high hopes of my voice coming back and everything being fine, but they didn't say IT WILL!! I feel like a part of me is gone! I just don't know what to do anymore and I thought ranting about it might help, but actually now I just feel much, much, worse. T-T Maybe I should talk to Mom or Dad... They may be able to at least reassure me that I can sleep semi-flat on my bed without feeling like my necks going to collapse or something. I don't want them to worry though... I don't want anyone to worry about me anymore. I hate making people worry. I also hate being weak... I hate the fact that I may not be strong enough to deal with my fears and pains by myself. I don't want to become dependent on someone. I don't want to become someones wet sack of potato's that just hangs there getting in there way. I want to be the one to hold that bag. Mine and the ones I care about most... but mines slipped so far down now and I don't know how to get it back. I need to talk to Will... but it's to late to call his house phone, he doesn't have his phone, and we haven't mastered the whole telekinesis thing yet so I have no way of getting a hold of him. =[ This sucks... I need to do something though... and sense writing nonsense here hasn't helped I think I should just stop wasting space and find something different to help me relax... Well... I'll write tomorrow. ChibiSukie signing out.
Saturday, March 28, 2009
Blog 21: Wow........
Wow....
That's all I have to say for the past month and a half. It was like I was climbing up hill slowly like going up a roller coaster without even realizing it and then just suddenly dropping to rock bottom.
Ok.... So the last week of January I don't have to much of an excuse... I was feeling lazy and didn't want to write. First week of February I went into the emergency room. After many tests and surgery for the removal of one of my lympnodes in my neck for a biopsy I was diagnosed with Thyroid Cancer. After that.... dealing with doctor appointments and stuff until March 18th when I went into surgery again to get the rest of my infected lymphnodes and thyroid removed. Then after a successful surgery guess what? Yep... My vocal cords stopped working! T-T So then I was on a breathing tube for 5 days until they decided that they could button (literally) one of my cords open so I could breathe again. So they did that and I don't have to breathe threw a tube anymore. So then I was in the hospital for 4 days after that cause they wanted to monitor my breathing and see if I COULD ACTUALLY swallow or not. I can in a weird funky way now swallow and I'm breathing fine so I just got home today... -_-' Life sucks at the moment just in case you couldn't tell. What bothered me the most about this whole thing though was actually the fact that it didn't bother me more.... I know... I'm strange... but i wasn't to freaked about it during then. of course I was drugged up and I don't really remember what happened... Yay for drugs btw!!!! =D But ya.... Still... now it bothers me a bit and it's almost unbelievable that I went through something hellish like that... but at the same time it's not going to shake me. It happened and I lived through it. No point of breaking down about it now. =] but ya... Other then illness... school has gone down the drain. I can't do play cause my vocal cords are still paralyzed and I can't really talk. I'm tired and hurt. I have 3 new really cool battle scars and a plastic button (I wasn't joking about the button...) in my neck. AND I still have the loving support of all my friends and family. I'm also still going out with Will and he's been with me every step of the way =] He's pretty much the bestest bf a gf could ask for... I don't know what I did to deserve a guy like him, but THANK YOU GOD!!!!! I even got to meet him in person =] Yes... he is what he was online and SOOO MUCH MORE!!!! <3 <3 <3 I love him to death.... ANYWHO! yeah... That the shortest/weirdest version I have of the past month and a half. Now I'm just sitting here alone at home, bored. I'm going to start writing here again though as much as I can. I like to blog... I just haven't had any inspiration as of late... but now I do again so I'm going with it! =D Well... It's late... So I'm going to bed now. Night! ChibiSukie signing out!
That's all I have to say for the past month and a half. It was like I was climbing up hill slowly like going up a roller coaster without even realizing it and then just suddenly dropping to rock bottom.
Ok.... So the last week of January I don't have to much of an excuse... I was feeling lazy and didn't want to write. First week of February I went into the emergency room. After many tests and surgery for the removal of one of my lympnodes in my neck for a biopsy I was diagnosed with Thyroid Cancer. After that.... dealing with doctor appointments and stuff until March 18th when I went into surgery again to get the rest of my infected lymphnodes and thyroid removed. Then after a successful surgery guess what? Yep... My vocal cords stopped working! T-T So then I was on a breathing tube for 5 days until they decided that they could button (literally) one of my cords open so I could breathe again. So they did that and I don't have to breathe threw a tube anymore. So then I was in the hospital for 4 days after that cause they wanted to monitor my breathing and see if I COULD ACTUALLY swallow or not. I can in a weird funky way now swallow and I'm breathing fine so I just got home today... -_-' Life sucks at the moment just in case you couldn't tell. What bothered me the most about this whole thing though was actually the fact that it didn't bother me more.... I know... I'm strange... but i wasn't to freaked about it during then. of course I was drugged up and I don't really remember what happened... Yay for drugs btw!!!! =D But ya.... Still... now it bothers me a bit and it's almost unbelievable that I went through something hellish like that... but at the same time it's not going to shake me. It happened and I lived through it. No point of breaking down about it now. =] but ya... Other then illness... school has gone down the drain. I can't do play cause my vocal cords are still paralyzed and I can't really talk. I'm tired and hurt. I have 3 new really cool battle scars and a plastic button (I wasn't joking about the button...) in my neck. AND I still have the loving support of all my friends and family. I'm also still going out with Will and he's been with me every step of the way =] He's pretty much the bestest bf a gf could ask for... I don't know what I did to deserve a guy like him, but THANK YOU GOD!!!!! I even got to meet him in person =] Yes... he is what he was online and SOOO MUCH MORE!!!! <3 <3 <3 I love him to death.... ANYWHO! yeah... That the shortest/weirdest version I have of the past month and a half. Now I'm just sitting here alone at home, bored. I'm going to start writing here again though as much as I can. I like to blog... I just haven't had any inspiration as of late... but now I do again so I'm going with it! =D Well... It's late... So I'm going to bed now. Night! ChibiSukie signing out!
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
Blog 20:.....
Hi.....
I finally have time to blog.... Yay....... I'm not happy... :( I liked my nights being taken away.... As much as I like blogging there is something a thousand times greater which I was doing.... Oh btw I can tell you what the "AMAZINGLY GREAT" thing is. I fell in love. And he loved me back. Now were bf and gf!!!!!!!!!!! WHOOT!!!!!!!! it's not the "he" I was talking about. His name is William Underwood. That is a really cool name isn't it? lol... sorry back to subject. So.... We started going out officially 3 days ago. Sense then I've been in heaven.... *sighs* Except for the wait from early in the morning to after 9pm. It's almost unbearable to not talk to him all day!! :( And that's why I have time right now, cause I'm not talking to him.... more like I can't... I don't know what happened or if everything is all right, but he can't talk to anyone right now. I'm really scared. I really hope nothing really bad happened and that hopefully he will be able to talk soon. Until then all I have to do is wait patiently.... Waiting.... Waiting..... ARGGGGG!!! I can't take it anymore!!! T-T I want to talk to him and tell him that I love him and I want to hear it back! I also really want to know that ever things ok!! I'm worried sick!!! :( The longer I have to wait though it doesn't make me angry or makes me want to leave him or anything... it just makes me want him more and more! He lives 100 miles away from me and the only thing keeping us together is gone!!!!!!!! WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! T-T I know I'm being a big baby.... especially sense it's only been 13 hours sense I last talked to him.... but still. I don't know when I can talk to him again!!! And for all I know he could have lost his foot or something!!!!!!!! Right now I guess I'm beginning to understand what a couple of my friends are going through right now... I'm sorry guys!! This really sucks!!! T-T All I can do is hope and pray that we can talk again soon... but other then that I'm going to have to deal with it... I'll wait for him though. I could wait forever if I had to. No matter how hard it would be.... *sigh* :( Well I'm going to go now. Bye. ChibiSukie signing out.....
I finally have time to blog.... Yay....... I'm not happy... :( I liked my nights being taken away.... As much as I like blogging there is something a thousand times greater which I was doing.... Oh btw I can tell you what the "AMAZINGLY GREAT" thing is. I fell in love. And he loved me back. Now were bf and gf!!!!!!!!!!! WHOOT!!!!!!!! it's not the "he" I was talking about. His name is William Underwood. That is a really cool name isn't it? lol... sorry back to subject. So.... We started going out officially 3 days ago. Sense then I've been in heaven.... *sighs* Except for the wait from early in the morning to after 9pm. It's almost unbearable to not talk to him all day!! :( And that's why I have time right now, cause I'm not talking to him.... more like I can't... I don't know what happened or if everything is all right, but he can't talk to anyone right now. I'm really scared. I really hope nothing really bad happened and that hopefully he will be able to talk soon. Until then all I have to do is wait patiently.... Waiting.... Waiting..... ARGGGGG!!! I can't take it anymore!!! T-T I want to talk to him and tell him that I love him and I want to hear it back! I also really want to know that ever things ok!! I'm worried sick!!! :( The longer I have to wait though it doesn't make me angry or makes me want to leave him or anything... it just makes me want him more and more! He lives 100 miles away from me and the only thing keeping us together is gone!!!!!!!! WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! T-T I know I'm being a big baby.... especially sense it's only been 13 hours sense I last talked to him.... but still. I don't know when I can talk to him again!!! And for all I know he could have lost his foot or something!!!!!!!! Right now I guess I'm beginning to understand what a couple of my friends are going through right now... I'm sorry guys!! This really sucks!!! T-T All I can do is hope and pray that we can talk again soon... but other then that I'm going to have to deal with it... I'll wait for him though. I could wait forever if I had to. No matter how hard it would be.... *sigh* :( Well I'm going to go now. Bye. ChibiSukie signing out.....
Monday, January 19, 2009
Blog 19: I USED TO LIVE IN A PIG PEN, BUT NOW I'M FREE!!!!!
Hiya!
So today I slept in really late... Like 1:00pm late... Which makes me sad... yet some how REALLY happy. :D Then after I got up I eat breakfast, talked about school with my parents, then cleaned my room. It was hard!!! :( I know that "cleaning my room" doesn't sound like a hard thing to do and something that should be done quickly, but it took me 10 hours!!! My room was apparently really filthy... oh and I did take breaks, goof off with old toys I found under my bed, looked through a box of old letters I have, eat, did laundry, and a few other things. So actually my room probably only took me like 5-7 hours total. After all that work it is finally sparkling clean. :) I do have to dust and vacuum still though... but it was 12:15am when I finished the other stuff, so I think that can wait until morning and I still get bragging rights. :P A thing I learned for sure though after this cleaning venge is... I will NEVER let my room get messy again! First... I don't want to ever do that much work again and two it was un-healthy how dirty it was... Seriously... It was just like a pig pen... Dirty dishes, garbage, an old can of sausages, tons of empty ramen cups, three week old tea that was obviously moldy, piles of dirty cloths, music lying everywhere... mostly tons of absolute crap... it just wasn't right... Sorry... you probably didn't need to know how much of a slob I can be, but ya. I guess I've been way more tired and busier then I thought... but excuses aside... I will keep my room in good shape from now on. And I say that here so I have witnesses that know I said it (well wrote it... but you get what I mean.) I feel bad though in some ways... Sense I spent all day cleaning I didn't talk to my friends... I feel really lonely... :'( I'm going to talk to them though tomorrow and hope that there not mad at me for forgetting them... -_- Well... I didn't forget them, I just forgot to talk to them.... SORRY GUYS!!! T-T I'm going to go now. I'm tired... ChibiSukie signing out!
So today I slept in really late... Like 1:00pm late... Which makes me sad... yet some how REALLY happy. :D Then after I got up I eat breakfast, talked about school with my parents, then cleaned my room. It was hard!!! :( I know that "cleaning my room" doesn't sound like a hard thing to do and something that should be done quickly, but it took me 10 hours!!! My room was apparently really filthy... oh and I did take breaks, goof off with old toys I found under my bed, looked through a box of old letters I have, eat, did laundry, and a few other things. So actually my room probably only took me like 5-7 hours total. After all that work it is finally sparkling clean. :) I do have to dust and vacuum still though... but it was 12:15am when I finished the other stuff, so I think that can wait until morning and I still get bragging rights. :P A thing I learned for sure though after this cleaning venge is... I will NEVER let my room get messy again! First... I don't want to ever do that much work again and two it was un-healthy how dirty it was... Seriously... It was just like a pig pen... Dirty dishes, garbage, an old can of sausages, tons of empty ramen cups, three week old tea that was obviously moldy, piles of dirty cloths, music lying everywhere... mostly tons of absolute crap... it just wasn't right... Sorry... you probably didn't need to know how much of a slob I can be, but ya. I guess I've been way more tired and busier then I thought... but excuses aside... I will keep my room in good shape from now on. And I say that here so I have witnesses that know I said it (well wrote it... but you get what I mean.) I feel bad though in some ways... Sense I spent all day cleaning I didn't talk to my friends... I feel really lonely... :'( I'm going to talk to them though tomorrow and hope that there not mad at me for forgetting them... -_- Well... I didn't forget them, I just forgot to talk to them.... SORRY GUYS!!! T-T I'm going to go now. I'm tired... ChibiSukie signing out!
Friday, January 16, 2009
Blog 18:....... Pancakes!!!!
........Grrr.... you know what? I'm not going to even fume about this again. You know that I'm late and missed a couple of days... yet AGAIN.... so I'm just going to drop it.
SO HI!!!!!!!!!! =D I'M REALLY A SUPER HAPPY GIRL TODAY!!!!! (if you couldn't tell...lol) I had to babysit for a really long time today and I am exhausted, but other then that I'm as happy as a monkey with a truck full of bananas! (???????.... not really) but no seriously.... I'm in a pretty giddy mood at the moment. So for the Charlotte's Web tryouts I got a call back =) Last night I auditioned again, but this time with a lot of different people. I think she's (director) thinking of me as either the sheep or Charlotte... I think I'm going to get the sheep though... She really loved my old sheep voice... which I thought I was over doing a bit... but hey... I guess that's what acting is about. So I'll give what the people want. I'll be getting a call next week if I got in. I'm looking forward to knowing... yet a bit nervous... I hope I did get a part.... Off to a different subject... I don't think I like him like that as I thought I did. Even after the dreams and stuff.... I think I was still in love with the memory of him once upon a time... but maybe not with the person anymore... Honestly... At times it's hard for me to even picture his face... At all.... I feel really bad about it, but I can't control it... So... I think I'm going to get back into contact with him again either way, but I don't think there is going to be anything between us... So ya.... Oh!!!! the MOST TOTALLY AWESOME, COOL, UNTHINKABLE, EXHILARATING, EXCITING, JOYFUL, and AMAZING THING HAS HAPPENED TO ME THESE PAST FEW DAYS!!!! =D I don't want to say what it is, because I haven't told any of my friends and family about it yet... So I don't want my friends finding out over a blog post and I want to tell them and my family to there faces before I say what it is here. Just know that it's UNBELIEVABLY GREAT!!!! I won't fully believe it though until I see it in person... but for now I have great hopes! =)Something like this has happened to me before, but I was deeply burned... So sense I'm stupid enough to fall into it again I just hope it actually works out this time. Well... I've gtg. TTYLZ PEOPLEZ!!!! ChibiSukie signing out!
SO HI!!!!!!!!!! =D I'M REALLY A SUPER HAPPY GIRL TODAY!!!!! (if you couldn't tell...lol) I had to babysit for a really long time today and I am exhausted, but other then that I'm as happy as a monkey with a truck full of bananas! (???????.... not really) but no seriously.... I'm in a pretty giddy mood at the moment. So for the Charlotte's Web tryouts I got a call back =) Last night I auditioned again, but this time with a lot of different people. I think she's (director) thinking of me as either the sheep or Charlotte... I think I'm going to get the sheep though... She really loved my old sheep voice... which I thought I was over doing a bit... but hey... I guess that's what acting is about. So I'll give what the people want. I'll be getting a call next week if I got in. I'm looking forward to knowing... yet a bit nervous... I hope I did get a part.... Off to a different subject... I don't think I like him like that as I thought I did. Even after the dreams and stuff.... I think I was still in love with the memory of him once upon a time... but maybe not with the person anymore... Honestly... At times it's hard for me to even picture his face... At all.... I feel really bad about it, but I can't control it... So... I think I'm going to get back into contact with him again either way, but I don't think there is going to be anything between us... So ya.... Oh!!!! the MOST TOTALLY AWESOME, COOL, UNTHINKABLE, EXHILARATING, EXCITING, JOYFUL, and AMAZING THING HAS HAPPENED TO ME THESE PAST FEW DAYS!!!! =D I don't want to say what it is, because I haven't told any of my friends and family about it yet... So I don't want my friends finding out over a blog post and I want to tell them and my family to there faces before I say what it is here. Just know that it's UNBELIEVABLY GREAT!!!! I won't fully believe it though until I see it in person... but for now I have great hopes! =)Something like this has happened to me before, but I was deeply burned... So sense I'm stupid enough to fall into it again I just hope it actually works out this time. Well... I've gtg. TTYLZ PEOPLEZ!!!! ChibiSukie signing out!
Monday, January 12, 2009
Blog 17 Part 2: Grrrr.......
I'm on time~~~~
:D
So today I thought my audition turned out ok. I'll be getting a call on Wednesday telling me if I got a part or not, so we shall see.... I'm talking to a friend on chat and I'm going to be calling Kathy in a few... So it's hard to get mad when I'm talking to friends... but I am SO TICKED OFF RIGHT NOW!!!!!! So you know my Mom has been nagging me constantly about helping her with something? Well... I'm still not going to tell you exactly what it is... Sorry... but SHE JUST WON'T STOP!!!!!! ITS LIKE MY WHOLE FREAKING DAY REVOLVES AROUND HER AND I DON'T LIKE IT!!!!! So finally I put my foot down and said that I was tired and I'm not going to try, because I know that I can't do it right now. And that this isn't what I want to do with my days. That I'm sorry that I can't help her, but I'm not going to kill myself over this. Please just give me a break. Then she just huffed and puffed like a spoiled 3 year old and said, "Fine. Don't worry about it then. I'm not going to ask you to do it for me ever again!" Like it was some punishment or great lose... then she stomped out of my room and slammed the door. And she calls me the big baby?! Yeah... Well it looks like I got out of it finely! :D but watch tomorrow morning she's going to be like, "You promised that if I gave you the night off you would try it again." and usually I would be like true... and whatever I'll just do it... but right now I'm so tired and sick of it that I would just kindly remind her of what she said to me tonight and walk away. That sounds good... Just to warn you... when I'm really, really angry DON'T get in my way or try to play those type of little petty games, cause trust me... That won't work and you'll get what's coming to ya. >=) I have an evil side to me that very few have seen... and pray that you don't. Cause A. I don't like to have to be evil to my friends or people I know and B. You'll regret it. So ya... I'm still really happy about the dream I had last night. *blush* Still kind of embarrassed though that I put that up here on my blog... but ya... I hope I have another good dream tonight. :) Well... Thats about it. So.... ChibiSukie signing out!!
:D
So today I thought my audition turned out ok. I'll be getting a call on Wednesday telling me if I got a part or not, so we shall see.... I'm talking to a friend on chat and I'm going to be calling Kathy in a few... So it's hard to get mad when I'm talking to friends... but I am SO TICKED OFF RIGHT NOW!!!!!! So you know my Mom has been nagging me constantly about helping her with something? Well... I'm still not going to tell you exactly what it is... Sorry... but SHE JUST WON'T STOP!!!!!! ITS LIKE MY WHOLE FREAKING DAY REVOLVES AROUND HER AND I DON'T LIKE IT!!!!! So finally I put my foot down and said that I was tired and I'm not going to try, because I know that I can't do it right now. And that this isn't what I want to do with my days. That I'm sorry that I can't help her, but I'm not going to kill myself over this. Please just give me a break. Then she just huffed and puffed like a spoiled 3 year old and said, "Fine. Don't worry about it then. I'm not going to ask you to do it for me ever again!" Like it was some punishment or great lose... then she stomped out of my room and slammed the door. And she calls me the big baby?! Yeah... Well it looks like I got out of it finely! :D but watch tomorrow morning she's going to be like, "You promised that if I gave you the night off you would try it again." and usually I would be like true... and whatever I'll just do it... but right now I'm so tired and sick of it that I would just kindly remind her of what she said to me tonight and walk away. That sounds good... Just to warn you... when I'm really, really angry DON'T get in my way or try to play those type of little petty games, cause trust me... That won't work and you'll get what's coming to ya. >=) I have an evil side to me that very few have seen... and pray that you don't. Cause A. I don't like to have to be evil to my friends or people I know and B. You'll regret it. So ya... I'm still really happy about the dream I had last night. *blush* Still kind of embarrassed though that I put that up here on my blog... but ya... I hope I have another good dream tonight. :) Well... Thats about it. So.... ChibiSukie signing out!!
Blog 17 Part 1: A Very Pleasant Dream
Ok I know it's early again and blah, blah, blah, but whatever. OMG!! I had one of the best dreams last night that I have had for months and months and months!! A bit weird in a way... but totally awesome!! Ok... So I have to write this quickly because I have to leave in 30 minutes for my audition, so... I'm not going to get into every single detail about it, just the really remembered and best parts. Ok, so here I go.
The Dream:
I woke up on a Sunday morning and went to church with my Dad to St. Patrick's. That's the church up here by my house btw. So we went to church and sat in the back like usual and as I'm looking at the alter I see him (guy I want to see... just making sure you know) as an alter server he walked into the church getting ready for mass. I kept looking when suddenly he looks out at the congregation and see's me. We make eye contact and I smile, he smiles back, and for the rest of mass he purposely avoids even looking in the same direction as where I am. After mass I was on my way out to the car when he comes out of the side door of the church. He looks at me with found eyes and says, "Hi Sarah." I smile happy to have the chance to talk to him again and reply, "Hi ____. It been a long time. How have you been?" Then Dad looks at me and says that he'll wait for me in the car. I then replied with a nod and he leaves. After Dad left we started talking, then he had to leave because he had a youth group meeting. So after he told me that he had to leave he said, "It was really good to see you again. I've missed you." I was a bit surprised, but got over it quickly and responded, "Same here. I missed you too." "Will you come next week?" "I would like to, but I'm not sure. If you would like to talk though you can always e-mail me." "Really?" "Of course." I said smiling. He smiled back and said, "Ok. I'll do that then. Bye." Then he left. So Monday night I got an e-mail from him and we started talking during the whole week. Just about random stuff. Then it was Sunday again and I was with my Dad in the back of church. He was serving again, but this time he didn't avert his gaze towards me. We were practically staring at each other the whole mass. Then mass was over and my Dad and I were on our way out when we ran into his Mom and Dad. So we started talking to them until he was done with what alter servers do. Then he came up to me and asked me if we could have a word alone and I obviously said of course. So we left the adults to mingle as he led me in between the church community building and the rectory (which was btw about 20 feet away from the church.) So when we got there I leaned against the wall and asked, "So whats up?" He didn't say anything when suddenly he punched the wall beside me and stared into my eyes with his own clear blue eyes. They seemed to lead straight into his soul. They were so determined, yet frightened. I was confused so I tried to get his attention. "____?" I asked curiously. Then he began. "I'm sorry. I know that you probably don't want to hear this from a guy like me, I'm sure of it. You can be mad at me about it, but I just want you to know. This past year without you has been hell. It hurt so much not being able to see you. I'm probably to late, but I like you. I like you so much." Then he looked away and started crying. I looked away as well. I had no idea that was coming! I also didn't know what to say. Then I looked at his desperate face and then at his fist that was still beside me. It had turned white. He was really pushing hard on it. Tears started to form in my eyes as I grabbed his hand and held it against my face. Then with the hand that was free I wiped the tears off his face and held his chin up so he could see my face. I then responded with the tears now starting to roll down my own face, "I could never be mad at you. The only thing I'm mad at is that I didn't know sooner. It's been hard without you and I like you too. So, so much. You could never be to late for me. I would wait forever for you." He stood there silently looking down on my crying face. Then it was his turn and he wiped the tears away from my face and showed me his wet finger. I then just realized that I was crying and now flustered was trying to wipe my face while saying, "I'm sorry." He then grabbed me and hugged me then whispered in my hair, "Don't be... Thank you." Then I smiled shyly and let the last few tear drops I had left fall as I enjoyed his warmth around me. Then suddenly he released a bit and myself still leaning on him with my hands on his chest looked up to see his face and I saw him looking down at me smiling. Then his hands moved towards my waist as his face got closer to mine. Then his arms were completely around my waist and his face was inches from mine, I had no freaking clue what I was suppose to do. Then I suddenly stopped freaking out and went with my instincts and my arms slowly came up and went around his neck. Then we kissed. It wasn't just like a short little cute peck, it was long and hard and seriously... I saw fire works. (of course I've never been kissed before so how the heck did I know that?!....lol... but seriously...idk...I could feel the difference in my dream though for some reason) Then we stopped and pulled away slowly. We smiled at each other because we finally did it after dreaming of it for so long. Then I saw someone out of the corner of my eye staring at us. I turned to see who it was, then I thought "Oh crap... I'm dead." It was my Dad... and he was giving us both this incredibly evil glare. ____ turned to see what I was looking at then went a bit pale. It almost looked like Dad was going to kill him with the look he was giving. So hurriedly I collected myself then tiptoed up and kissed him again while looking straight at Dad. (I was in a REAL daring mood...) Then I said to him, "Sorry ____, I've gtg. E-mail me later ok?" "Ok... bye." He responded. Then I ran up to Dad and dragged him to the car. When we got to the car Dad let me have... obviously... and we argued all the way home. Then when we got home he sent me up to my room and him and Mom argued for hours about it. Then Mom actually convinced Dad to let me do what I want! I was really shocked. So that night I told ____ that we could be together. We were ecstatic. That next weekend we went on our first date. It was that Saturday afternoon when he pulled up in his car to pick me up at my house. I hopped in and we were hastily gone. As we were on the road I asked, "So.. where are we going?" He smiled while still looking at the road and replied, "I want to keep it a surprise. You'll know when we get there." "Ok." I responded then it was quiet. After a few minutes of absolutely nothing, he leaned back in his seat a bit to get more comfortable and took one of his hands off the steering wheel and put it down on the counsel. I then couldn't keep my eyes off his hand. I suddenly had the extreme urge to hold it... but I wasn't sure if I should. After a minute in thought I decided to do it. So I grabbed his hand, my fingers weaved in between his, and gave it a tight squeeze. Surprised he looked down at his hand then at me. I loosened my grip while looking towards the floor and quietly said, "Sorry..." Then he squeezed my hand and said, "No. It's fine." Then we drove to our destination without another word. Hand in hand. It was an amazing day and a lot of fun and at the end of it we sat in the park looking at the creek and talked about our secrets and made promises. Then sadly the night ended and I was home again. We would go on a date at least once a week and things were going really well. We grew closer and closer with ever e-mail, phone call, hug, kiss, and word. I was the happiest I had ever been. Then a couple months later My parents were going on a second honey moon for a week, my brother was gone with friends, and my grandparents were also going to be gone. So I was going to be left alone at home. I was 16 and thought I was capable of being alone, but my parents weren't keen on the idea. So I was suppose to go with my grandparents to there week full of old people meetings... Which I wasn't happy about. I was talking to ____ about it the night it was decided and was telling him that I didn't want to go. He told me to hold on after I had finished my rant. He was gone for about 5 minutes then he came back on the phone sounding really excited and told me that his parents said that if I wanted to I could stay at there place until a family member came home. I was really happy that they had offered and I wanted to, but I had to convince my parents. So I went down stairs and told my parents about there invitation and reassured them that we wouldn't do anything cause we weren't that type of couple, that his girl cousin was there so we probably wouldn't be left alone (which I doubted, but I wanted to be convincing) and pleaded them to let me go there instead of with Grandma and Grandpa. They thought about it and called his parents up and talked about it for awhile and finally agreed to let me stay. So when everyone left I went to his house and was going to stay for a few days. It was the first day and I had already put my things in one of the spare bedroom (there house was pretty big) and was hanging out with him, his Mom, and his Aunt. We wanted to have sometime alone, but his Mom and Aunt were keeping a hawks eye on us... even though we weren't planning on doing what they feared worst we would do... After awhile ____ asked if we could play video games in his room. His Mom was ok with it, but we had to keep the door open, which we agreed to. We got to his room and he started his xbox 360 and I was about to sit down on the couch when we walked off and shut his door. I walked over to him and asked why he had shut the door and that we weren't suppose to when he looked at me playfully and said, "Well I didn't want them seeing this." and he kissed me. We were kissing each other still when suddenly we heard foot steps down the hall. We quickly stopped and I ran to the couch and grabbed a controller and started the game while he quickly opened the door and sat next to me. Then his Mom came in with a bag of chips and a couple of water bottles and asked concerned, "Why was the door shut until just now?" "Sorry Mom, it blew shut from the window again." He responded without looking away from the game. "Oh ok then. I brought you guys something to eat and drink." Then she put down her cargo on the table next to us. "Thanks" we both responded in unison. She smiled and walked to the door. She stopped in the door way and asked, "Are you ok? Do you need anything else." "Yep were fine. Don't worry" I responded still into the game. "But ____ is about to die!!" She smiled again and walked out of the room. After we were sure she couldn't hear us anymore we stopped the game, looked at each other, then started laughing. "Do you even know how to play this game? You looked pretty into shooting a gun with no ammo." He said while still laughing. "No... but I thought I looked pretty convincing for just pressing buttons." I responded after we had calmed down a bit. Then he said, "Yeah... and you said I was going to die." Then we started giggling again. We eventually stopped and looked at each other. We just stared at each other for awhile without a word. Suddenly the wind picked up outside and it blew through his room and shut the door. It broke us from our trance... sadly. I sighed then got up and made my way to the door to open it again when I heard him say, "Wait a sec." I stopped where I stood and waited. He then set the game to cpu vs. cpu and let it go by itself. Then he walked towards me and stepped in front of me and said, "That wind was oddly convenient." He smiled and began to kiss me again. We did so for awhile, then he pushed hard enough so that I lost my balance and fell on the bed that was behind me. Then he was on top of me kissing me... again. We were like in a full make-out session. Then he moved his left hand...
Suddenly Mom jumped on top of me and snuggled into my bed... Just cause... -_-' One of the best dreams in my life and it had to be ruined by my Mother... I was so sad it wasn't true.... It's kind of a perverted dream in a way though... I don't know why... Oh well... I was happy in it. Does this mean I like him though? Cause damn.... I've never had a dream about a guy like that... Or is it just cause I'm lonely and it doesn't matter who it is? I hope that's not the case.... I don't want to be a player... Which having the thought of it doesn't matter who it would be would make me... I guess.....? But when I see him again I guess I'll find out if those are the feelings I have towards him and not. Funny though... The last dream I had about a guy I like was with him.... I'm doomed.... T-T Sigh.... Oh well.... Life goes on. Well... I've gtg. ChibiSukie signing out.
The Dream:
I woke up on a Sunday morning and went to church with my Dad to St. Patrick's. That's the church up here by my house btw. So we went to church and sat in the back like usual and as I'm looking at the alter I see him (guy I want to see... just making sure you know) as an alter server he walked into the church getting ready for mass. I kept looking when suddenly he looks out at the congregation and see's me. We make eye contact and I smile, he smiles back, and for the rest of mass he purposely avoids even looking in the same direction as where I am. After mass I was on my way out to the car when he comes out of the side door of the church. He looks at me with found eyes and says, "Hi Sarah." I smile happy to have the chance to talk to him again and reply, "Hi ____. It been a long time. How have you been?" Then Dad looks at me and says that he'll wait for me in the car. I then replied with a nod and he leaves. After Dad left we started talking, then he had to leave because he had a youth group meeting. So after he told me that he had to leave he said, "It was really good to see you again. I've missed you." I was a bit surprised, but got over it quickly and responded, "Same here. I missed you too." "Will you come next week?" "I would like to, but I'm not sure. If you would like to talk though you can always e-mail me." "Really?" "Of course." I said smiling. He smiled back and said, "Ok. I'll do that then. Bye." Then he left. So Monday night I got an e-mail from him and we started talking during the whole week. Just about random stuff. Then it was Sunday again and I was with my Dad in the back of church. He was serving again, but this time he didn't avert his gaze towards me. We were practically staring at each other the whole mass. Then mass was over and my Dad and I were on our way out when we ran into his Mom and Dad. So we started talking to them until he was done with what alter servers do. Then he came up to me and asked me if we could have a word alone and I obviously said of course. So we left the adults to mingle as he led me in between the church community building and the rectory (which was btw about 20 feet away from the church.) So when we got there I leaned against the wall and asked, "So whats up?" He didn't say anything when suddenly he punched the wall beside me and stared into my eyes with his own clear blue eyes. They seemed to lead straight into his soul. They were so determined, yet frightened. I was confused so I tried to get his attention. "____?" I asked curiously. Then he began. "I'm sorry. I know that you probably don't want to hear this from a guy like me, I'm sure of it. You can be mad at me about it, but I just want you to know. This past year without you has been hell. It hurt so much not being able to see you. I'm probably to late, but I like you. I like you so much." Then he looked away and started crying. I looked away as well. I had no idea that was coming! I also didn't know what to say. Then I looked at his desperate face and then at his fist that was still beside me. It had turned white. He was really pushing hard on it. Tears started to form in my eyes as I grabbed his hand and held it against my face. Then with the hand that was free I wiped the tears off his face and held his chin up so he could see my face. I then responded with the tears now starting to roll down my own face, "I could never be mad at you. The only thing I'm mad at is that I didn't know sooner. It's been hard without you and I like you too. So, so much. You could never be to late for me. I would wait forever for you." He stood there silently looking down on my crying face. Then it was his turn and he wiped the tears away from my face and showed me his wet finger. I then just realized that I was crying and now flustered was trying to wipe my face while saying, "I'm sorry." He then grabbed me and hugged me then whispered in my hair, "Don't be... Thank you." Then I smiled shyly and let the last few tear drops I had left fall as I enjoyed his warmth around me. Then suddenly he released a bit and myself still leaning on him with my hands on his chest looked up to see his face and I saw him looking down at me smiling. Then his hands moved towards my waist as his face got closer to mine. Then his arms were completely around my waist and his face was inches from mine, I had no freaking clue what I was suppose to do. Then I suddenly stopped freaking out and went with my instincts and my arms slowly came up and went around his neck. Then we kissed. It wasn't just like a short little cute peck, it was long and hard and seriously... I saw fire works. (of course I've never been kissed before so how the heck did I know that?!....lol... but seriously...idk...I could feel the difference in my dream though for some reason) Then we stopped and pulled away slowly. We smiled at each other because we finally did it after dreaming of it for so long. Then I saw someone out of the corner of my eye staring at us. I turned to see who it was, then I thought "Oh crap... I'm dead." It was my Dad... and he was giving us both this incredibly evil glare. ____ turned to see what I was looking at then went a bit pale. It almost looked like Dad was going to kill him with the look he was giving. So hurriedly I collected myself then tiptoed up and kissed him again while looking straight at Dad. (I was in a REAL daring mood...) Then I said to him, "Sorry ____, I've gtg. E-mail me later ok?" "Ok... bye." He responded. Then I ran up to Dad and dragged him to the car. When we got to the car Dad let me have... obviously... and we argued all the way home. Then when we got home he sent me up to my room and him and Mom argued for hours about it. Then Mom actually convinced Dad to let me do what I want! I was really shocked. So that night I told ____ that we could be together. We were ecstatic. That next weekend we went on our first date. It was that Saturday afternoon when he pulled up in his car to pick me up at my house. I hopped in and we were hastily gone. As we were on the road I asked, "So.. where are we going?" He smiled while still looking at the road and replied, "I want to keep it a surprise. You'll know when we get there." "Ok." I responded then it was quiet. After a few minutes of absolutely nothing, he leaned back in his seat a bit to get more comfortable and took one of his hands off the steering wheel and put it down on the counsel. I then couldn't keep my eyes off his hand. I suddenly had the extreme urge to hold it... but I wasn't sure if I should. After a minute in thought I decided to do it. So I grabbed his hand, my fingers weaved in between his, and gave it a tight squeeze. Surprised he looked down at his hand then at me. I loosened my grip while looking towards the floor and quietly said, "Sorry..." Then he squeezed my hand and said, "No. It's fine." Then we drove to our destination without another word. Hand in hand. It was an amazing day and a lot of fun and at the end of it we sat in the park looking at the creek and talked about our secrets and made promises. Then sadly the night ended and I was home again. We would go on a date at least once a week and things were going really well. We grew closer and closer with ever e-mail, phone call, hug, kiss, and word. I was the happiest I had ever been. Then a couple months later My parents were going on a second honey moon for a week, my brother was gone with friends, and my grandparents were also going to be gone. So I was going to be left alone at home. I was 16 and thought I was capable of being alone, but my parents weren't keen on the idea. So I was suppose to go with my grandparents to there week full of old people meetings... Which I wasn't happy about. I was talking to ____ about it the night it was decided and was telling him that I didn't want to go. He told me to hold on after I had finished my rant. He was gone for about 5 minutes then he came back on the phone sounding really excited and told me that his parents said that if I wanted to I could stay at there place until a family member came home. I was really happy that they had offered and I wanted to, but I had to convince my parents. So I went down stairs and told my parents about there invitation and reassured them that we wouldn't do anything cause we weren't that type of couple, that his girl cousin was there so we probably wouldn't be left alone (which I doubted, but I wanted to be convincing) and pleaded them to let me go there instead of with Grandma and Grandpa. They thought about it and called his parents up and talked about it for awhile and finally agreed to let me stay. So when everyone left I went to his house and was going to stay for a few days. It was the first day and I had already put my things in one of the spare bedroom (there house was pretty big) and was hanging out with him, his Mom, and his Aunt. We wanted to have sometime alone, but his Mom and Aunt were keeping a hawks eye on us... even though we weren't planning on doing what they feared worst we would do... After awhile ____ asked if we could play video games in his room. His Mom was ok with it, but we had to keep the door open, which we agreed to. We got to his room and he started his xbox 360 and I was about to sit down on the couch when we walked off and shut his door. I walked over to him and asked why he had shut the door and that we weren't suppose to when he looked at me playfully and said, "Well I didn't want them seeing this." and he kissed me. We were kissing each other still when suddenly we heard foot steps down the hall. We quickly stopped and I ran to the couch and grabbed a controller and started the game while he quickly opened the door and sat next to me. Then his Mom came in with a bag of chips and a couple of water bottles and asked concerned, "Why was the door shut until just now?" "Sorry Mom, it blew shut from the window again." He responded without looking away from the game. "Oh ok then. I brought you guys something to eat and drink." Then she put down her cargo on the table next to us. "Thanks" we both responded in unison. She smiled and walked to the door. She stopped in the door way and asked, "Are you ok? Do you need anything else." "Yep were fine. Don't worry" I responded still into the game. "But ____ is about to die!!" She smiled again and walked out of the room. After we were sure she couldn't hear us anymore we stopped the game, looked at each other, then started laughing. "Do you even know how to play this game? You looked pretty into shooting a gun with no ammo." He said while still laughing. "No... but I thought I looked pretty convincing for just pressing buttons." I responded after we had calmed down a bit. Then he said, "Yeah... and you said I was going to die." Then we started giggling again. We eventually stopped and looked at each other. We just stared at each other for awhile without a word. Suddenly the wind picked up outside and it blew through his room and shut the door. It broke us from our trance... sadly. I sighed then got up and made my way to the door to open it again when I heard him say, "Wait a sec." I stopped where I stood and waited. He then set the game to cpu vs. cpu and let it go by itself. Then he walked towards me and stepped in front of me and said, "That wind was oddly convenient." He smiled and began to kiss me again. We did so for awhile, then he pushed hard enough so that I lost my balance and fell on the bed that was behind me. Then he was on top of me kissing me... again. We were like in a full make-out session. Then he moved his left hand...
Suddenly Mom jumped on top of me and snuggled into my bed... Just cause... -_-' One of the best dreams in my life and it had to be ruined by my Mother... I was so sad it wasn't true.... It's kind of a perverted dream in a way though... I don't know why... Oh well... I was happy in it. Does this mean I like him though? Cause damn.... I've never had a dream about a guy like that... Or is it just cause I'm lonely and it doesn't matter who it is? I hope that's not the case.... I don't want to be a player... Which having the thought of it doesn't matter who it would be would make me... I guess.....? But when I see him again I guess I'll find out if those are the feelings I have towards him and not. Funny though... The last dream I had about a guy I like was with him.... I'm doomed.... T-T Sigh.... Oh well.... Life goes on. Well... I've gtg. ChibiSukie signing out.
Blog 16: -_-' I use this face WAY to often.
.....
I need to get better at this... and not stay up so late on a school night! -_-' Nothing can be done I guess... So today I just slept a lot again... I must be really exhausted... Of course my schedule is all screwed up now. I fall asleep eventually around 4am then get up between 9-11am then sleep for another 3-5 hours around the late afternoon/evening so then I can't sleep at night... and I wonder why... -_-' I need to get my sleep schedule corrected. So the parts that I was up for... pretty much sucked actually... except for tonight when I was talking to my friends :)I would get into what sucked, but I'm REALLY not in the mood. So ya... I'm happyish at the moment and I'm going to try and stay that way. I have an audition tomorrow... -_- I just remembered again... As you can tell I'm sure I keep forgetting about it. I'm trying out at my community theater for Charlotte's Web around 4:30. I'm excited to be getting back into acting, but I'm still nervous about the audition... I would like a part. I know it's going to be a kids play, but the theater must go on!! Plus I have fun with it either way.:) Trust me... after being a clown for the Velveteen Rabbit nothing seems that ridiculous or kidish... I've been cured from that fear long ago.... lol. Well... Oh! One thing! I started kind of flirting with this guy on IM tonight... I really don't usually flirt and I wasn't saying anything pervy, but I just found myself doing it with this guy... He's really sweet and cool, but I have no idea how I actually feel about him... Like bf/gf going out type thing.... I'm not sure if I'm even ready for a relationship... -_-' but if ever I'm in the market for sure again he could be on my list ;)lol. Like I said though idk. I still have thoughts of other people running through my head... Not that I think he likes anymore and I'm not sure I do either.... He probably doesn't even remember me that well, but I just want to talk to and see him again. I miss him. :( Even if it's just as a friend. Well now I am extremely tired so I'm going to go to bed. Nighty night! ChibiSukie signing out!
I need to get better at this... and not stay up so late on a school night! -_-' Nothing can be done I guess... So today I just slept a lot again... I must be really exhausted... Of course my schedule is all screwed up now. I fall asleep eventually around 4am then get up between 9-11am then sleep for another 3-5 hours around the late afternoon/evening so then I can't sleep at night... and I wonder why... -_-' I need to get my sleep schedule corrected. So the parts that I was up for... pretty much sucked actually... except for tonight when I was talking to my friends :)I would get into what sucked, but I'm REALLY not in the mood. So ya... I'm happyish at the moment and I'm going to try and stay that way. I have an audition tomorrow... -_- I just remembered again... As you can tell I'm sure I keep forgetting about it. I'm trying out at my community theater for Charlotte's Web around 4:30. I'm excited to be getting back into acting, but I'm still nervous about the audition... I would like a part. I know it's going to be a kids play, but the theater must go on!! Plus I have fun with it either way.:) Trust me... after being a clown for the Velveteen Rabbit nothing seems that ridiculous or kidish... I've been cured from that fear long ago.... lol. Well... Oh! One thing! I started kind of flirting with this guy on IM tonight... I really don't usually flirt and I wasn't saying anything pervy, but I just found myself doing it with this guy... He's really sweet and cool, but I have no idea how I actually feel about him... Like bf/gf going out type thing.... I'm not sure if I'm even ready for a relationship... -_-' but if ever I'm in the market for sure again he could be on my list ;)lol. Like I said though idk. I still have thoughts of other people running through my head... Not that I think he likes anymore and I'm not sure I do either.... He probably doesn't even remember me that well, but I just want to talk to and see him again. I miss him. :( Even if it's just as a friend. Well now I am extremely tired so I'm going to go to bed. Nighty night! ChibiSukie signing out!
Sunday, January 11, 2009
Blog 15: 1408
Darn it!!!
I'm late again! X[ I don't like being late.... but I guess better late then never... Nothing interesting happened today... I've been having some thoughts in my head I would rather get rid of, but they just won't go away... sigh... What am I to do? :( Oh! Also, the moon is super bright tonight. It's sooo awesome! :) I wish it could just stay night everyday all the time, just like tonight was... but it won't sadly. So yeah... that's it. Now to last night.... I watched this totally freaky movie. It was called 1408. I WAS SO SCARED!!! If ever a guy wants to be my knight in shining armor and wants to hold me while watching a scary movie and have me let him... That's the movie. My family was like "Oh that wasn't that scary." or "I wasn't really scared." and "I've seen much worse" but I don't care what they or you think. That was the scariest movie I have ever watched!! I don't know why... It just was. I will never watch it again unless forced to, I will never sleep in a hotel room that I KNOW is haunted by an evil ghost, I will never sleep in a hotel room alone, AND I WILL ABSOLUTELY NEVER SLEEP IN A ROOM THAT IS LABELED 1408!!!! Seriously... If I go to a hotel sooner or later and they give me room 1408 I will ask to change rooms. That movie has scared me for life! I seriously almost started crying because I was so scared. T-T Yet I continued to watch it... I had to see how it ended.... Anyways... I thought for sure I would never sleep again, until I fell asleep on the couch exhausted watching Kung Fu Panda around 3 am. ^^ I love that movie. Well... That's it pretty much. Until tomorrow!! (or today?) ChibiSukie signing out!
I'm late again! X[ I don't like being late.... but I guess better late then never... Nothing interesting happened today... I've been having some thoughts in my head I would rather get rid of, but they just won't go away... sigh... What am I to do? :( Oh! Also, the moon is super bright tonight. It's sooo awesome! :) I wish it could just stay night everyday all the time, just like tonight was... but it won't sadly. So yeah... that's it. Now to last night.... I watched this totally freaky movie. It was called 1408. I WAS SO SCARED!!! If ever a guy wants to be my knight in shining armor and wants to hold me while watching a scary movie and have me let him... That's the movie. My family was like "Oh that wasn't that scary." or "I wasn't really scared." and "I've seen much worse" but I don't care what they or you think. That was the scariest movie I have ever watched!! I don't know why... It just was. I will never watch it again unless forced to, I will never sleep in a hotel room that I KNOW is haunted by an evil ghost, I will never sleep in a hotel room alone, AND I WILL ABSOLUTELY NEVER SLEEP IN A ROOM THAT IS LABELED 1408!!!! Seriously... If I go to a hotel sooner or later and they give me room 1408 I will ask to change rooms. That movie has scared me for life! I seriously almost started crying because I was so scared. T-T Yet I continued to watch it... I had to see how it ended.... Anyways... I thought for sure I would never sleep again, until I fell asleep on the couch exhausted watching Kung Fu Panda around 3 am. ^^ I love that movie. Well... That's it pretty much. Until tomorrow!! (or today?) ChibiSukie signing out!
Friday, January 9, 2009
Blog 14: It's been a long time....
Hello
I thought I only skipped like two days, but it's been sense Monday.... -_-' I call that an epic failure right there.... Well... I'm writing now and I'm going to start writing regularly again, so that's all that matters. This week hasn't been the best. I haven't had a lot of fun... No... Being on the comp has been fun.... and I bought some cloths today online... It still doesn't change the fact that I have no life though... Mom has been nagging me constantly this week and even though she promised to stop after the 7th, she's been just as bad still and she won't stop... I hate it, greatly, but what am I to do! SHE'S MY MOM!!! T-T I can't just tell her that I think she's annoying and that her worries are pretty stupid... So oh well... Anywho... I went to school yesterday to sign things off and get my grades with my teacher and I signed up for a boat load of classes for next semester. Discluding my 'must take' classes (English, Cultural Anthropology, U.S. History, Italian, SAT Study, and all of my electives) I'm actually going IN to school for Rock n' Roll History, Creative Writing, Ballroom Dancing, and Digital Photography. I'm going to be hecka busy with all my classes plus lessons, babysitting, and Explorers... I'm not going to have any free time really anymore AND I'm going to be out of the house a lot... Good... I'll pretty much do anything (even a crap load of school... which sadly I'm doing...) to get out of the house as much as possible. Oh! Last night I was reselling with my brother and I accidentally tripped him and myself so we both fell over. I landed in this weird half split position which didn't hurt, but my brother fell right on his bottom... on my foot. I heard a crack then I was pretty much balling... I don't usually cry when I get hurt, unless it really, really, bad... Well it was. I had to cancel my Explorers meeting that night and the babysitting that I had to do today, because everyone thought for sure my foot was broken. I was going to go into the emergency room this morning, but my parents looked at it again and didn't think it was broken. I wasn't so sure about it... but I didn't want them to spend the money for me to come in and just have a sprained foot... So I just took it easy, sense they wouldn't let me walk anyways. Around 3ish I think my parents had to do some shopping so they took off and while they were gone I was trying to figure out if I could walk on it or not. So I got up and first started limping around... It hurt... So I didn't think I could put my full weight on it at all, but then as I was walking around I became unsteady for no particular reason (klutz) and I stepped on my foot fully. Then my foot cracked again and I was in extreme pain thinking if it wasn't broken it would be now... but it actually started feeling better a few minutes afterwards. The verdict was that I dislocated my foot... which I didn't think was possible... but apparently it is. It still hurts quiet a bit, but it's feeling much better after now. I'm just really happy that it isn't broken. It's really lucky also cause when you have your 170lbs brother fall on top of your foot you expect much worse... Well that's pretty much it, plus I'm going to go watch a movie :) So... ChibiSukie signing out!!
I thought I only skipped like two days, but it's been sense Monday.... -_-' I call that an epic failure right there.... Well... I'm writing now and I'm going to start writing regularly again, so that's all that matters. This week hasn't been the best. I haven't had a lot of fun... No... Being on the comp has been fun.... and I bought some cloths today online... It still doesn't change the fact that I have no life though... Mom has been nagging me constantly this week and even though she promised to stop after the 7th, she's been just as bad still and she won't stop... I hate it, greatly, but what am I to do! SHE'S MY MOM!!! T-T I can't just tell her that I think she's annoying and that her worries are pretty stupid... So oh well... Anywho... I went to school yesterday to sign things off and get my grades with my teacher and I signed up for a boat load of classes for next semester. Discluding my 'must take' classes (English, Cultural Anthropology, U.S. History, Italian, SAT Study, and all of my electives) I'm actually going IN to school for Rock n' Roll History, Creative Writing, Ballroom Dancing, and Digital Photography. I'm going to be hecka busy with all my classes plus lessons, babysitting, and Explorers... I'm not going to have any free time really anymore AND I'm going to be out of the house a lot... Good... I'll pretty much do anything (even a crap load of school... which sadly I'm doing...) to get out of the house as much as possible. Oh! Last night I was reselling with my brother and I accidentally tripped him and myself so we both fell over. I landed in this weird half split position which didn't hurt, but my brother fell right on his bottom... on my foot. I heard a crack then I was pretty much balling... I don't usually cry when I get hurt, unless it really, really, bad... Well it was. I had to cancel my Explorers meeting that night and the babysitting that I had to do today, because everyone thought for sure my foot was broken. I was going to go into the emergency room this morning, but my parents looked at it again and didn't think it was broken. I wasn't so sure about it... but I didn't want them to spend the money for me to come in and just have a sprained foot... So I just took it easy, sense they wouldn't let me walk anyways. Around 3ish I think my parents had to do some shopping so they took off and while they were gone I was trying to figure out if I could walk on it or not. So I got up and first started limping around... It hurt... So I didn't think I could put my full weight on it at all, but then as I was walking around I became unsteady for no particular reason (klutz) and I stepped on my foot fully. Then my foot cracked again and I was in extreme pain thinking if it wasn't broken it would be now... but it actually started feeling better a few minutes afterwards. The verdict was that I dislocated my foot... which I didn't think was possible... but apparently it is. It still hurts quiet a bit, but it's feeling much better after now. I'm just really happy that it isn't broken. It's really lucky also cause when you have your 170lbs brother fall on top of your foot you expect much worse... Well that's pretty much it, plus I'm going to go watch a movie :) So... ChibiSukie signing out!!
Monday, January 5, 2009
Blog 13: The Computer Geek Within Comes Back!
.......
So today was okish for the parts I was up for. I was really tired and slept a lot. I was suppose to start school today, but A. Like I said earlier I slept a lot and B. I forgot until around 9:30pm. So... I'm going to start school tomorrow. Ah... the joys of being home schooled. So anyways! I'm in pretty good spirits today... it's strange. Maybe it's because everyone is actually in a good mood. Yeah, that's probably it. Quick change of subject. I've started going on FB more lately and I'm beginning to realize how much time you can waste on that site... Seriously... Games, chat, random adds and what not. It's rather addictive... I think I'm going to start living on the computer yet again.... One thing that bothers me about it though is that there are so many perverted guys online?! There starting to get on my nerves.... I'm 16 years old for Pete's sake!!! Do you really think that I want to be hit on by a 30 year old weirdo's?!?! Sheesh.... I wish people would use there brains... Anywho... I really don't have much else to say so... ChibiSukie signing out!
So today was okish for the parts I was up for. I was really tired and slept a lot. I was suppose to start school today, but A. Like I said earlier I slept a lot and B. I forgot until around 9:30pm. So... I'm going to start school tomorrow. Ah... the joys of being home schooled. So anyways! I'm in pretty good spirits today... it's strange. Maybe it's because everyone is actually in a good mood. Yeah, that's probably it. Quick change of subject. I've started going on FB more lately and I'm beginning to realize how much time you can waste on that site... Seriously... Games, chat, random adds and what not. It's rather addictive... I think I'm going to start living on the computer yet again.... One thing that bothers me about it though is that there are so many perverted guys online?! There starting to get on my nerves.... I'm 16 years old for Pete's sake!!! Do you really think that I want to be hit on by a 30 year old weirdo's?!?! Sheesh.... I wish people would use there brains... Anywho... I really don't have much else to say so... ChibiSukie signing out!
Blog 12: TICKED OFF!!
ACK!!!
I totally forgot to blog until just now! T-T Better late then never I guess. So yesterday was a lot of fun at Kathy's. We didn't go to the mall but we just hung out at her house and had fun watching movies and talking. Then I got to do her hair for the night. I am rather proud of the job I did. She looked REALLY CUTE!!! :) So I worked the event for Explorers, which was hell, while Kathy did what cheer leaders do best. Her squad did a good job I think. There were A LOT of Explorers there! It was fun. The only problem I had was I started feeling super claustrophobic (OMG! I spelled that right on my first try!)cause there were so many people, it was a lot of really hard work, and my partner was an eleven-year-old little tyrant. However cute she is and acted towards everyone, inside that little girl there is a small ball of evil beginning to form. She was a lot of work to deal with... What I find sad about it though is that she reminded me a lot of what I was like when I was her age. Green eyes, blond hair, freckles, very active, bossy to the bones, super excited by the littlest things, and had a soft spot for really old people. Also things had to be done perfectly or else!... Yeah... she was lots of fun to deal with. So after the event we went grocery shopping to by sweets :D then I spent the night at Kathy's eating, watching movies, and talking. Then I got up this morning, went to church, came home, and have pretty much been here ever sense. I did go on a walk and make a quick trip to the grocery store with my Mom. Speaking of my Mom.... and my brother.... there really starting to get on my freaking nerves. So I'm like 5'6'' height wise. Which I think is pretty good, above average, but not too tall. Well even though that's my height I'm still the shortest one in my family. Which kind of peeves me in the oddest way sometimes, but I don't really care. Well Mom and Joseph WON'T LET IT GO!!!!!!!!!! They are constantly making fun of me! They also make fun of my eating habits, which bothers me greatly. I'm a huge eater. Especially when I'm sad, depressed, or bored. And I'm a bit over weight because of it. I'm not fat or anything, I just kind of have a bit of a pooch. Either way I don't like it and I've been trying to eat less. It's been really hard and I've been kind of failing because of all the crap that my house is well stocked in. It tempts me so... I need help. I keep trying to do this on my own, but it's not working. I'm just gaining more weight. My Mom said she would help me, but instead look at what she does?! She makes fun of me! I need encouragement, not insults and jokes. So thanks Mom. Really appreciate it. Also what bugs me is that she keeps stealing my cloths and wearing them without my permission!! I have very few cloths at the moment and ever item counts. It doesn't matter to Mom though. What ever is warmest, most convenient, and what she wants to wear she wears. Then when I say she's wearing my cloths she's like "Oh really? I had no idea!" Most of the time sarcastically. Then when I tell her to stop or to please stop wearing them or give them back she says, "I won't get them dirty or ruin them. Don't worry! They probably don't fit you anyways right?" Again the whole insulting me about the weight thing.... Well screw her too then! She knows that I'm concerned about my weight, but instead of being a kind Mother who would help me and hit me up side the head if I'm going to eat something I shouldn't shes like the evil older sister who tortures her little sister with reckless abandon without caring how they feel. Mom doesn't care about me though. She doesn't give a damn. She's nice, thin, and in shape. Why should she care about the lump who locks herself in her bedroom being by herself all day? mom tries to say she's a bit gothic or something, which she could be, but I mostly think she's just a big prep. DAMN IT!!!!! SCREW IT ALL!!!!!! I DON"T GIVE A SHIT ANYMORE!!! I'm not going to talk about it anymore. It just enrages me! and she says I'm being harsh when I walk away from her fumed and won't talk to her because I'm so effing ticked by "who knows what". Well if you had a conscience in your head and actually annualized what you said, MOM, you would understand that your lucky that I don't cuse you out or hit you up side your head for saying such nasty things to me. ANYWAYS!!! Seriously moving on.......Oh! I just took this accurate personality quiz and it tells me that I'm an "Emotional Goth Rocker"....?????? I obviously have issues. Lol. oh welly.... Also, I got my phone bill from last month... Lets just say it ain't pretty and I'm going to have to babysit a couple of times before I can pay it off. I'm not going to be texting anymore.... So ya.... I'm really tired. I'm going to try and get some sleep. ChibiSukie signing out!!
I totally forgot to blog until just now! T-T Better late then never I guess. So yesterday was a lot of fun at Kathy's. We didn't go to the mall but we just hung out at her house and had fun watching movies and talking. Then I got to do her hair for the night. I am rather proud of the job I did. She looked REALLY CUTE!!! :) So I worked the event for Explorers, which was hell, while Kathy did what cheer leaders do best. Her squad did a good job I think. There were A LOT of Explorers there! It was fun. The only problem I had was I started feeling super claustrophobic (OMG! I spelled that right on my first try!)cause there were so many people, it was a lot of really hard work, and my partner was an eleven-year-old little tyrant. However cute she is and acted towards everyone, inside that little girl there is a small ball of evil beginning to form. She was a lot of work to deal with... What I find sad about it though is that she reminded me a lot of what I was like when I was her age. Green eyes, blond hair, freckles, very active, bossy to the bones, super excited by the littlest things, and had a soft spot for really old people. Also things had to be done perfectly or else!... Yeah... she was lots of fun to deal with. So after the event we went grocery shopping to by sweets :D then I spent the night at Kathy's eating, watching movies, and talking. Then I got up this morning, went to church, came home, and have pretty much been here ever sense. I did go on a walk and make a quick trip to the grocery store with my Mom. Speaking of my Mom.... and my brother.... there really starting to get on my freaking nerves. So I'm like 5'6'' height wise. Which I think is pretty good, above average, but not too tall. Well even though that's my height I'm still the shortest one in my family. Which kind of peeves me in the oddest way sometimes, but I don't really care. Well Mom and Joseph WON'T LET IT GO!!!!!!!!!! They are constantly making fun of me! They also make fun of my eating habits, which bothers me greatly. I'm a huge eater. Especially when I'm sad, depressed, or bored. And I'm a bit over weight because of it. I'm not fat or anything, I just kind of have a bit of a pooch. Either way I don't like it and I've been trying to eat less. It's been really hard and I've been kind of failing because of all the crap that my house is well stocked in. It tempts me so... I need help. I keep trying to do this on my own, but it's not working. I'm just gaining more weight. My Mom said she would help me, but instead look at what she does?! She makes fun of me! I need encouragement, not insults and jokes. So thanks Mom. Really appreciate it. Also what bugs me is that she keeps stealing my cloths and wearing them without my permission!! I have very few cloths at the moment and ever item counts. It doesn't matter to Mom though. What ever is warmest, most convenient, and what she wants to wear she wears. Then when I say she's wearing my cloths she's like "Oh really? I had no idea!" Most of the time sarcastically. Then when I tell her to stop or to please stop wearing them or give them back she says, "I won't get them dirty or ruin them. Don't worry! They probably don't fit you anyways right?" Again the whole insulting me about the weight thing.... Well screw her too then! She knows that I'm concerned about my weight, but instead of being a kind Mother who would help me and hit me up side the head if I'm going to eat something I shouldn't shes like the evil older sister who tortures her little sister with reckless abandon without caring how they feel. Mom doesn't care about me though. She doesn't give a damn. She's nice, thin, and in shape. Why should she care about the lump who locks herself in her bedroom being by herself all day? mom tries to say she's a bit gothic or something, which she could be, but I mostly think she's just a big prep. DAMN IT!!!!! SCREW IT ALL!!!!!! I DON"T GIVE A SHIT ANYMORE!!! I'm not going to talk about it anymore. It just enrages me! and she says I'm being harsh when I walk away from her fumed and won't talk to her because I'm so effing ticked by "who knows what". Well if you had a conscience in your head and actually annualized what you said, MOM, you would understand that your lucky that I don't cuse you out or hit you up side your head for saying such nasty things to me. ANYWAYS!!! Seriously moving on.......Oh! I just took this accurate personality quiz and it tells me that I'm an "Emotional Goth Rocker"....?????? I obviously have issues. Lol. oh welly.... Also, I got my phone bill from last month... Lets just say it ain't pretty and I'm going to have to babysit a couple of times before I can pay it off. I'm not going to be texting anymore.... So ya.... I'm really tired. I'm going to try and get some sleep. ChibiSukie signing out!!
Friday, January 2, 2009
Blog 11: I'm a Klutz
Hey
So surprisingly today I got out of everything I was dreading. My piano/guitar teacher forgot about our lesson today and the kids that I was suppose to babysit were sick, so I didn't have to go. It's pretty sweet. Of course though after I thought I was home free I had to watch Jayda..... Oh well, it wasn't that hard luckily. So I've actually had a pretty good day, except for the fact that I didn't get a lot of sleep last night, because I got up early and that I had to sleep on the coach in the cold living room because Mom fell asleep in my bed.... T-T Oh! Also something happened that's pretty funny and not good what-so-ever at the same time. When I was getting ready for bed tonight I was cleaning up when I noticed that the scrape on my knuckle is starting to get infected. So after I was finished I went down stairs to the bathroom down there to get a bandaid and some disinfectant. It was really dark down stairs but it didn't bother me sense I know my house like the back of my hand. I then walked straight into the bathroom. The only problem with that was the bathroom door was shut... which I didn't realize. So I ended up smacking against the door and hitting my nose pretty hard. Now my nose is all black and blue and just because I have such great luck with this sort of thing I hit it just a certain way that its swelling so it looks lopsided.... I think it's kind of funny because that was an idiotic thing to do. The bad thing though is that not only does it hurt, but then going out with Kathy and working for Explorers tomorrow I'm going to have this huge black nose the entire day! I worked hard today too so I could look the best I can for everything and then I have to go and smack my face against a door!! Nice one.... My parents told me that if it's still swollen in the morning I may have to put one of those nose bandages on. You know... the weird white ones that cover your nose. That won't be noticeable. Right.... Well... I'm going to stop complaining about my nose now and just accept the fact that this is only one of the many stupid and embarrassing things I will do this year. I've already started and it's only the 2nd of January..... As you can probably tell I'm not the most graceful of creatures... To put it in Twilight terms, I'm exactly like Bella. If you don't know the reference just know I'm a complete klutz who always seems to find trouble. Well thats enough for today. ChibiSukie signing out!
P.S.
I may not be able to write sense I'm going to be at Kathy's house... So as much as I don't want to worse comes to worse I'll write again Sunday night.
So surprisingly today I got out of everything I was dreading. My piano/guitar teacher forgot about our lesson today and the kids that I was suppose to babysit were sick, so I didn't have to go. It's pretty sweet. Of course though after I thought I was home free I had to watch Jayda..... Oh well, it wasn't that hard luckily. So I've actually had a pretty good day, except for the fact that I didn't get a lot of sleep last night, because I got up early and that I had to sleep on the coach in the cold living room because Mom fell asleep in my bed.... T-T Oh! Also something happened that's pretty funny and not good what-so-ever at the same time. When I was getting ready for bed tonight I was cleaning up when I noticed that the scrape on my knuckle is starting to get infected. So after I was finished I went down stairs to the bathroom down there to get a bandaid and some disinfectant. It was really dark down stairs but it didn't bother me sense I know my house like the back of my hand. I then walked straight into the bathroom. The only problem with that was the bathroom door was shut... which I didn't realize. So I ended up smacking against the door and hitting my nose pretty hard. Now my nose is all black and blue and just because I have such great luck with this sort of thing I hit it just a certain way that its swelling so it looks lopsided.... I think it's kind of funny because that was an idiotic thing to do. The bad thing though is that not only does it hurt, but then going out with Kathy and working for Explorers tomorrow I'm going to have this huge black nose the entire day! I worked hard today too so I could look the best I can for everything and then I have to go and smack my face against a door!! Nice one.... My parents told me that if it's still swollen in the morning I may have to put one of those nose bandages on. You know... the weird white ones that cover your nose. That won't be noticeable. Right.... Well... I'm going to stop complaining about my nose now and just accept the fact that this is only one of the many stupid and embarrassing things I will do this year. I've already started and it's only the 2nd of January..... As you can probably tell I'm not the most graceful of creatures... To put it in Twilight terms, I'm exactly like Bella. If you don't know the reference just know I'm a complete klutz who always seems to find trouble. Well thats enough for today. ChibiSukie signing out!
P.S.
I may not be able to write sense I'm going to be at Kathy's house... So as much as I don't want to worse comes to worse I'll write again Sunday night.
Thursday, January 1, 2009
Blog 10: Hello 2009
Hey
So today was kind of another boring day. Just hung around home with nothing to do. Again. Right now my Mom is in my room. Why? I don't know. All I know is she is nagging me about her friend's problems again and that she has her computer and she's snuggled up in my bed. So she's not going to be leaving in awhile, if at all. It kind of sucks, sense I kind of wanted some alone time, but whatever. As long as she's not looking over my shoulder as I'm writing this I don't care. I'm not looking forward to tomorrow what so ever. I not only have a guitar/piano lesson tomorrow which I haven't practiced for I also have to babysit. The babysitting is the part that is mostly going to suck. Oh well.... at least I get paid. >:)I'm still really looking forward to Saturday! It just got better today too. We're also going to the mall before hand. That's always a lot of fun. Well I don't have much else to say.... Oh! Today was New Years! Yeah... We didn't do anything for that. I hope my friends though had a good New Years Eve and Day. So ya... That's it. ChibiSukie signing out!
So today was kind of another boring day. Just hung around home with nothing to do. Again. Right now my Mom is in my room. Why? I don't know. All I know is she is nagging me about her friend's problems again and that she has her computer and she's snuggled up in my bed. So she's not going to be leaving in awhile, if at all. It kind of sucks, sense I kind of wanted some alone time, but whatever. As long as she's not looking over my shoulder as I'm writing this I don't care. I'm not looking forward to tomorrow what so ever. I not only have a guitar/piano lesson tomorrow which I haven't practiced for I also have to babysit. The babysitting is the part that is mostly going to suck. Oh well.... at least I get paid. >:)I'm still really looking forward to Saturday! It just got better today too. We're also going to the mall before hand. That's always a lot of fun. Well I don't have much else to say.... Oh! Today was New Years! Yeah... We didn't do anything for that. I hope my friends though had a good New Years Eve and Day. So ya... That's it. ChibiSukie signing out!
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